The 2012 MTV Movie Awards

June 4th, 2012 // 223 Comments

It seems like only yesterday we were going, “Let me guess, Twilight won everything,” yet somehow another MTV Movie Awards was upon us where, per usual, nothing of significance happened as non-eventfully as possible, so let’s talk about that stuff so we can get back to the very important business of calling people fat on the Internet:

1. Twilight won everything except for the times when Hunger Games did. What an unpredictable twist of events that was. Hilariously, Jennifer Lawrence didn’t even bother to show up while a Robert Pattinson-less Kristen Stewart somehow realized through a fog of bong resin that she’s the only sucker who gets forced to show up to these things year-after-year. Then Jodie Foster eye-fucked her.

2. Christina Ricci looked awesome for someone who wasn’t even nominated and I’m almost positive didn’t even present an award. Good for her.

3. Johnny Depp received the MTV Generation Award presumably under the condition that if he showed up, he only had to mumble a few words and could just play guitar with the Black Keys the rest of the time while Steven Tyler and Joe Perry attempted to read.

4. Elizabeth Banks literally humped the cast of Magic Mike while Joe Manganiello stood around pretending things were his erect penis. Your mom bought two tickets.

5. Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender embarrassed themselves.

6. Emma Stone got some award for something. (Demonstrating how hot Lindsay Lohan would look if raised by normal parents? Who knows?)

7. Mila Kunis. (Probably should’ve put this higher.)

8. This Dark Knight Rises clip introduced by a somber Christian Bale who cried after seeing Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan and Bale have been adamant not even mentioning The Joker in TDKR. – while Joseph Gordon-Levitt inexplicably acted like they were presenting a clip from Battleship 2: Motherfuckin’ Parcheesi, Dawg!.

 

Can I borrow that axe for a minute, Joe Manganiello? I need to fully convey what’s happening in my pants and this Subway sub isn’t cutting it/makes me want to take a bite out of the end which sends the wrong message.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Kristen Stewart Jodie Foster MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Michael
    Commented on this photo:

    Kristen looks better when she smiles. I guess…

  2. Julianne Hough MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    meh, boring

  3. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    she has a great body! i love her ass.

  4. Elizabeth Banks MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    pretty but kind of generic looking

  5. Mila Kunis Mark Wahlberg MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    wow he is short

  6. Kristen Stewart MTV Movie Awards 2012
    vgrly
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m a fan of hers but that dress looks so much like a kick ass comic book costume. All she needs is a cap and an eye mask.

  7. Julianne Hough MTV Movie Awards 2012
    vgrly
    Commented on this photo:

    This dress makes her look wide and we know she’s petite.

  8. Paris Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    vgrly
    Commented on this photo:

    Where did my boobs go?

  9. Ciara MTV Movie Awards 2012
    vgrly
    Commented on this photo:

    This dress looks so cheap. Like Wet Seal cheap. What does she do anymore?

  10. Charlize Theron MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Homer Simpson
    Commented on this photo:

    Fuck off you phony bitch. Also take acting lessons now that you’re rich.

  11. Emma Stone Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    She can’t fill out that dress because she’s built like a crackwhore. Nice sharp knees and chicken legs….yeah, that’s sexy!

  12. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Racer X
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d hit that 25/8.

  13. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    I love how on sites like this the less the girl looks like a little boy the more haters she has:) It’s like an online convention for pedophiles.

    • dooood

      pedophiles sexually abuse children.
      people who look at fake ass hollywood whores and hentai porn all day are… well, pretty normal and usually are nice, kind hearted good people

  14. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    She went from a hot piece of ass to a pedophile’s wet dream! What a sorry sight.

    • dooood

      yea cuz she’s much more of a pedo treat now when she’s 32 than when she was a child in the 80s n 90s.
      seriously, where do you come up w this bullshit?
      you sure are obsessed w pedophilia.
      wonder if your subconsciously trying to tell us something.
      a warning perhaps.

  15. Julianne Hough MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    At least she has legs like an adult woman. Not tooth picks like a cancer patient.

  16. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Anorexia is a bitch.

  17. Matthew McConaughey Channing Tatum MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Tatum really does look like he gets lost reading “See Spot Run,” but seriously, when you look that good… who the fuck cares.

  18. Emma Stone MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    FUGLY chicken legs. In other words, perfect jacking material for the resident pedos.

  19. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    I can’t believe people think this is fat! I’d gladly walk around with one arm and half of a shaved head if I could look that good in a dress that short.

  20. Leighton Meester MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Wait, so women can still have legs like an adult??…I thought for sure they’d passed a law against that!

  21. Channing Tatum Jenna Dewan MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    When they discovered that evolution could go in reverse they were shocked at how good it looked.

  22. Johnny Depp Joe Perry Steven Tyler MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    joe perry kinda looks like if mitt romney banged frankenstein

  23. Johnny Depp Joe Perry Steven Tyler MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    “And we got these matching necklaces made from the bones of the weathered sherpas who took us to the Kangshung glacier. This other one is from Forever 21.”

  24. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    he may be a horrible duche responsible for single handedly ruining rap music in the early 90s but he’s actually not a bad guy

  25. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Jill
    Commented on this photo:

    Never thought I’d say to myself “I should have watched the MTV movie awards.” Just… thank you fish.

  26. Charlize Theron Michael Fassbender MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Evil Monkey
    Commented on this photo:

    You wanna see a real fight? Should have seen her when the studio put it in her contract: You must attend the MTV Movie Awards to promote our movie.

  27. The Twitter feed misled me. I thought the headline was, “The 2012 MTV Movie Awards Bit.”

  28. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    beautiful

  29. Chris Hemsworth MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    itd be cool if he talks like thor in real life

  30. Johnny Depp Joe Perry Steven Tyler MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    “And I would also like to thank Joe Perry and Steven Tyler, who I am clearly on a path to becoming in just a few years’ time.”

  31. Kate Beckinsale Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    …always looking for faults/flaws.
    get over yourselves ffs.
    like any of you whiny bitches would decline some full penetration if either of these ladies were presenting

  32. Elizabeth Banks MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    not to mention ridiculously over exposed.
    she’s like the tommy lee jones of the oughts

  33. Charlize Theron MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    all beauty is fleeting. thats why we have disney around to manufacture new jailbait whores and bring them to the mainstream every few years

  34. Mila Kunis Mark Wahlberg MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    for reals, i had no idea he was so short.
    he’s like prince short

  35. Kristen Stewart Jodie Foster MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    “We’re going to need some sperm and an applicator shaped like Jodie Foster’s knuckles.”

  36. Matthew McConaughey Channing Tatum MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    Duchefighter II the world warrior
    champion edition

  37. Emma Stone MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    tony, i think you need help. but you have to want to get better.

  38. Leighton Meester MTV Movie Awards 2012
    dooood
    Commented on this photo:

    your shtick is getting old.
    please go cry about this nonsense elsewhere

  39. Emma Watson MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s fat

  40. Kate Beckinsale Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Hammy
    Commented on this photo:

    Now…. kiss.

  41. kimmykimkim

    Who the fuck watches this bullshit?! Seriously. MTV can fuck themselves in the face. I came to the realization the other day that I believe the Real World has actually been on air for more years now than that channel has played music videos. I could be wrong, I didn’t want to google it because i was already feeling ill from the thought of it. Just fuck em. Fuck MTV. Fuck all these retarded fucking movies and reboots and remakes and sequels and trilogies. Somebody drop a bomb on this shit. Oh and Tony needs to realize people fucking hate him. Mostly because he’s obviously a pedophile.

  42. kimmykimkim

    And didn’t I say once I’d let this jackass in this picture nail me? That was before I realized he was part of the Village People. Shame on me.

  43. Kristen Stewart MTV Movie Awards 2012
    John
    Commented on this photo:

    She always looks like she’s just been roofied.

  44. Emma Watson MTV Movie Awards 2012
    John
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d like to have some innocent sex with this chick. Very cute.

  45. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    C0ck Te@se
    Commented on this photo:

    DAMN!!!!!!!!

  46. Ciara MTV Movie Awards 2012
    KimmyGabbler
    Commented on this photo:

    Good to see Jennifer Love Hewitt’s engagement rings going to good use

  47. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Miami Heat will be #1
    Commented on this photo:

    Which orifice?

  48. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    ozmosis
    Commented on this photo:

    Where did her boobies go?

  49. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    blonde
    Commented on this photo:

    his butthole is…

  50. Kristen Stewart Jodie Foster MTV Movie Awards 2012
    JC
    Commented on this photo:

    Jodie’s thinking, “I can smell K-Stew’s cunt!”

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