It seems like only yesterday we were going, “Let me guess, Twilight won everything,” yet somehow another MTV Movie Awards was upon us where, per usual, nothing of significance happened as non-eventfully as possible, so let’s talk about that stuff so we can get back to the very important business of calling people fat on the Internet:
1. Twilight won everything except for the times when Hunger Games did. What an unpredictable twist of events that was. Hilariously, Jennifer Lawrence didn’t even bother to show up while a Robert Pattinson-less Kristen Stewart somehow realized through a fog of bong resin that she’s the only sucker who gets forced to show up to these things year-after-year. Then Jodie Foster eye-fucked her.
2. Christina Ricci looked awesome for someone who wasn’t even nominated and I’m almost positive didn’t even present an award. Good for her.
3. Johnny Depp received the MTV Generation Award presumably under the condition that if he showed up, he only had to mumble a few words and could just play guitar with the Black Keys the rest of the time while Steven Tyler and Joe Perry attempted to read.
4. Elizabeth Banks literally humped the cast of Magic Mike while Joe Manganiello stood around pretending things were his erect penis. Your mom bought two tickets.
5. Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender embarrassed themselves.
6. Emma Stone got some award for something. (Demonstrating how hot Lindsay Lohan would look if raised by normal parents? Who knows?)
7. Mila Kunis. (Probably should’ve put this higher.)
8. This Dark Knight Rises clip introduced by a somber Christian Bale who cried after seeing Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan and Bale have been adamant not even mentioning The Joker in TDKR. – while Joseph Gordon-Levitt inexplicably acted like they were presenting a clip from Battleship 2: Motherfuckin’ Parcheesi, Dawg!.
Can I borrow that axe for a minute, Joe Manganiello? I need to fully convey what’s happening in my pants and this Subway sub isn’t cutting it/makes me want to take a bite out of the end which sends the wrong message.
Photos: Getty
Kristen looks better when she smiles. I guess…
meh, boring
she has a great body! i love her ass.
pretty but kind of generic looking
wow he is short
I’m a fan of hers but that dress looks so much like a kick ass comic book costume. All she needs is a cap and an eye mask.
Why? She already has enough mascara on that she doesn’t need a mask.
This dress makes her look wide and we know she’s petite.
Where did my boobs go?
This dress looks so cheap. Like Wet Seal cheap. What does she do anymore?
Fuck off you phony bitch. Also take acting lessons now that you’re rich.
Troll fail.
She can’t fill out that dress because she’s built like a crackwhore. Nice sharp knees and chicken legs….yeah, that’s sexy!
I’d hit that 25/8.
I love how on sites like this the less the girl looks like a little boy the more haters she has:) It’s like an online convention for pedophiles.
pedophiles sexually abuse children.
people who look at fake ass hollywood whores and hentai porn all day are… well, pretty normal and usually are nice, kind hearted good people
She went from a hot piece of ass to a pedophile’s wet dream! What a sorry sight.
yea cuz she’s much more of a pedo treat now when she’s 32 than when she was a child in the 80s n 90s.
seriously, where do you come up w this bullshit?
you sure are obsessed w pedophilia.
wonder if your subconsciously trying to tell us something.
a warning perhaps.
At least she has legs like an adult woman. Not tooth picks like a cancer patient.
Anorexia is a bitch.
Tatum really does look like he gets lost reading “See Spot Run,” but seriously, when you look that good… who the fuck cares.
FUGLY chicken legs. In other words, perfect jacking material for the resident pedos.
I can’t believe people think this is fat! I’d gladly walk around with one arm and half of a shaved head if I could look that good in a dress that short.
damn, you must be one fugly fat bitch if you would look better with your fat gone at the expense of losing an arm. yikes.
And yet… I wouldn’t let you fuck me.
…trust me, this is not an issue.
Wait, so women can still have legs like an adult??…I thought for sure they’d passed a law against that!
When they discovered that evolution could go in reverse they were shocked at how good it looked.
joe perry kinda looks like if mitt romney banged frankenstein
and then borrowed a wig from elvira
“And we got these matching necklaces made from the bones of the weathered sherpas who took us to the Kangshung glacier. This other one is from Forever 21.”
he may be a horrible duche responsible for single handedly ruining rap music in the early 90s but he’s actually not a bad guy
Never thought I’d say to myself “I should have watched the MTV movie awards.” Just… thank you fish.
You wanna see a real fight? Should have seen her when the studio put it in her contract: You must attend the MTV Movie Awards to promote our movie.
The Twitter feed misled me. I thought the headline was, “The 2012 MTV Movie Awards Bit.”
Also, I can’t believe you had to forgo the Game of Thrones season finale for this shit. I hope you got around to it.
beautiful
itd be cool if he talks like thor in real life
“And I would also like to thank Joe Perry and Steven Tyler, who I am clearly on a path to becoming in just a few years’ time.”
…always looking for faults/flaws.
get over yourselves ffs.
like any of you whiny bitches would decline some full penetration if either of these ladies were presenting
not to mention ridiculously over exposed.
she’s like the tommy lee jones of the oughts
all beauty is fleeting. thats why we have disney around to manufacture new jailbait whores and bring them to the mainstream every few years
for reals, i had no idea he was so short.
he’s like prince short
“We’re going to need some sperm and an applicator shaped like Jodie Foster’s knuckles.”
Duchefighter II the world warrior
champion edition
tony, i think you need help. but you have to want to get better.
your shtick is getting old.
please go cry about this nonsense elsewhere
She’s fat
Now…. kiss.
Who the fuck watches this bullshit?! Seriously. MTV can fuck themselves in the face. I came to the realization the other day that I believe the Real World has actually been on air for more years now than that channel has played music videos. I could be wrong, I didn’t want to google it because i was already feeling ill from the thought of it. Just fuck em. Fuck MTV. Fuck all these retarded fucking movies and reboots and remakes and sequels and trilogies. Somebody drop a bomb on this shit. Oh and Tony needs to realize people fucking hate him. Mostly because he’s obviously a pedophile.
And didn’t I say once I’d let this jackass in this picture nail me? That was before I realized he was part of the Village People. Shame on me.
She always looks like she’s just been roofied.
Or freshly fucked.
Which is what I PREFER to think.
I’d like to have some innocent sex with this chick. Very cute.
DAMN!!!!!!!!
Good to see Jennifer Love Hewitt’s engagement rings going to good use
Which orifice?
Where did her boobies go?
his butthole is…
Jodie’s thinking, “I can smell K-Stew’s cunt!”