The 2012 MTV Movie Awards

June 4th, 2012 // 223 Comments

It seems like only yesterday we were going, “Let me guess, Twilight won everything,” yet somehow another MTV Movie Awards was upon us where, per usual, nothing of significance happened as non-eventfully as possible, so let’s talk about that stuff so we can get back to the very important business of calling people fat on the Internet:

1. Twilight won everything except for the times when Hunger Games did. What an unpredictable twist of events that was. Hilariously, Jennifer Lawrence didn’t even bother to show up while a Robert Pattinson-less Kristen Stewart somehow realized through a fog of bong resin that she’s the only sucker who gets forced to show up to these things year-after-year. Then Jodie Foster eye-fucked her.

2. Christina Ricci looked awesome for someone who wasn’t even nominated and I’m almost positive didn’t even present an award. Good for her.

3. Johnny Depp received the MTV Generation Award presumably under the condition that if he showed up, he only had to mumble a few words and could just play guitar with the Black Keys the rest of the time while Steven Tyler and Joe Perry attempted to read.

4. Elizabeth Banks literally humped the cast of Magic Mike while Joe Manganiello stood around pretending things were his erect penis. Your mom bought two tickets.

5. Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender embarrassed themselves.

6. Emma Stone got some award for something. (Demonstrating how hot Lindsay Lohan would look if raised by normal parents? Who knows?)

7. Mila Kunis. (Probably should’ve put this higher.)

8. This Dark Knight Rises clip introduced by a somber Christian Bale who cried after seeing Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan and Bale have been adamant not even mentioning The Joker in TDKR. – while Joseph Gordon-Levitt inexplicably acted like they were presenting a clip from Battleship 2: Motherfuckin’ Parcheesi, Dawg!.

 

Can I borrow that axe for a minute, Joe Manganiello? I need to fully convey what’s happening in my pants and this Subway sub isn’t cutting it/makes me want to take a bite out of the end which sends the wrong message.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Kate Beckinsale Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    classic
    Commented on this photo:

    That weird moment when a mature woman gets much more attention than a “hot” girl.

  2. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    “Ray! How did the Stay Puft marshmallow man get into your Jessica Biel fantasy?!”

  3. Channing Tatum Jenna Dewan MTV Movie Awards 2012
    classic
    Commented on this photo:

    Here he is:

    Fapping Baboon.

  4. Ciara MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Dollar Store Beyonce

    And it’s not like the actual Beyonce is worth a dollar!

  5. Kristen Stewart MTV Movie Awards 2012
    whiskeyafternoon
    Commented on this photo:

    is that a smile? an odd thing to see on her; perhaps there was ecstasy in the drinking water there

  6. Kristen Stewart Jodie Foster MTV Movie Awards 2012
    whiskeyafternoon
    Commented on this photo:

    that is a smile on that soulless ghoul of a girl. thus confirming my ecstasy in the water hypothesis at these events. she probably treated the popcorn like a sybian later.

  7. Johnny Depp Joe Perry Steven Tyler MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    “…and this is the urn these two Skeletors will be sharing this time next year”

  8. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hey Vanilla! How would you describe your career calendar after ‘Cool as Ice’?”

  9. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    By court order, only permitted to wear non-logo’ed caps. No-one wants to be associated with this one-hit wonder.

  10. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    LegMan
    Commented on this photo:

    Madonna!!

  11. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    LegMan
    Commented on this photo:

    Madonna!!

  12. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    whiskeyafternoon
    Commented on this photo:

    ah, good ol’ object-as-penis humor. bringing you laughs since Lysistrata.

  13. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    You almost never see perfectly round heads.

    Except in China.

  14. Emma Stone Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    whiskeyafternoon
    Commented on this photo:

    if I add one more pound to her frame…here…she’ll tip over for sure.

  15. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    she must be hiding some serious bingo wings in those sleeves

  16. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d bang that little fatty.

    • If you really think that’s fat you ain’t interested in banging women. Period. Stop kidding yourself.

      • Also, if you actually use a period at the end of a sentence, using the word period (with another period after it) seems completely redundant to me. But what do I know? You could be some high falutin’ professor or something.

      • rantatonne

        Low hanging fruit, at best. I sometimes say hello to someone combined with a wave and or handshake.

        Question, you do not actually read the symbol “.” mentally of out loud do you?

        Yes, i did that on purpose. Additionally, how hott is Kunis and i wish all women put a little weight on like this.

      • eatme

        …me thinks that little fatty Mila Kunis has nothing better to do on a monday then patrol the forums as tony

  17. Mila Kunis Mark Wahlberg MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Awful dress, made worse by water retention face.
    Will not address douchebag issues standing next to her….not enough time.

  18. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Errr
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s so…hairless.

  19. Mila Kunis Mark Wahlberg MTV Movie Awards 2012
    LooneyToon
    Commented on this photo:

    mini me?

  20. Charlize Theron MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    See women. That’s how you’re supposed to look. All of you.

  21. Johnny Depp Joe Perry Steven Tyler MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Aerosmith was so cool.

    In the fucking 70s.

  22. Johnny Depp MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Is he supposed to be a funny hobo clown or one of the sad ones?

  23. Ciara MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    Does that bitch have enough rings on? Seriously, whoever she fists is going to shit diamonds.

  24. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    I feel like she’s done that hairstyle a million times. Love the shoes, though.

  25. Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    HITLER
    Commented on this photo:

    “Got Neck?

    PS I LOVE KIDS!!!

  26. Johnny Depp Joe Perry Steven Tyler MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    What the hell happened to Johnny? Fillers of coke bloat?

  27. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    HOTT body. i feel a tingle between my legs.

  28. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    Why do her biceps look like a man’s, yet the rest of her looks like she needs to eat two double cheeseburgers, stat!

  29. Charlize Theron MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    shes stunning and has a timeless look.

  30. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Josephus
    Commented on this photo:

    It looks like the Great Pumpkin ejaculated on her dress.

  31. Emma Stone Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    i like her but she cant fill out that hideous dress.

  32. Paris Hilton Nicky Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    “Just a reminder, guys. This is the face you will have to look at when I blow you in the bathroom stall while doing lines of coke. Take a number!”

  33. Ciara MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    she has a really pretty face, but prefer darker more natural hair

  34. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Josephus
    Commented on this photo:

    Remind me again why the English were cloning sheep when THIS was within their borders?

    • EricLr

      The sheep are a lot lower maintenance.

    • journalschism

      Scientists should be working day and night to make sure she stays looking like that. Well, no they shouldn’t, but my vapid hyperbole is in proportion to the ridiculous boners this woman has given me since the late 90s.

      • Josephus

        No, you’re absolutely right. I mean, curing cancer is cute and all, but if every woman looked like this, there would be no disease or famine or poverty in the world. It’s fact. Look it up.

        (Hear that, ladies? All those starving children in Africa and Haiti and Kate Gosselin’s basement? THEIR LIVES ARE ON YOU!)

  35. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    gorgeous. she is my body inspiration

  36. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    she has nice toned little legs, but that midsection and t rex arms…yuck

  37. Kristen Stewart MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    “O.M.G. I really hope it’s not obvious that my publicist rolled me out of bed, slapped some makeup on my face and forced me into this dress, like, fifteen minutes ago. I really need to lay off the hard stuff. But, how can I when I’m constantly being raped by these photographers?”

  38. Kate Beckinsale Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Josephus
    Commented on this photo:

    “Wait…fuck.” – Justin Timberlake

  39. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    little turtle head
    Commented on this photo:

    Heard he got those knuckle tats after he got out of jail. Wonder what they mean….

  40. Julianne Hough MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    When you have to paint on fake abs, the whole “hole in dress” thing loses all credibility.

  41. Mila Kunis Mark Wahlberg MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Josephus
    Commented on this photo:

    “You read the cahd, I’ll keep an eye on that Cohen charactah. ‘It was just a movie’ my ahss.”

  42. Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    Gah. There is nothing attractive about this guy. Why are they trying to force this caterpillar-eyebrow’d guy down our throats?

  43. Paris Hilton Nicky Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    woof. Paris looks like she has a mouth full of cum she wants to spit out.

  44. Kristen Stewart Jodie Foster MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Josephus
    Commented on this photo:

    “This is how I got the part in ‘Panic Room.’”

  45. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    Trying too hard.

  46. Charlize Theron Michael Fassbender MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Josephus
    Commented on this photo:

    …so they’re fucking, right?

    • They’re fucking. I mean, right there on stage. His penis is actually in her vagina there. Her leg and that monitor are just cleverly positioned to keep you from seeing it.

    • Jen

      They’re fucking, AND he’s getting ready to eat her out at the same time. That’s how gigantic he is.

  47. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Charlie Hodge
    Commented on this photo:

    Trying to find one thing wrong with this picture. Nope, can’t find a goddamn thing…

  48. Mila Kunis Mark Wahlberg MTV Movie Awards 2012
    monkeylaugh
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hey Mila, how’s your mother?”

  49. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s starting to look like Chyna….

  50. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    If I didn’t see the dress earlier, i would’ve thought it was Khloe from the thumbnail.

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