It seems like only yesterday we were going, “Let me guess, Twilight won everything,” yet somehow another MTV Movie Awards was upon us where, per usual, nothing of significance happened as non-eventfully as possible, so let’s talk about that stuff so we can get back to the very important business of calling people fat on the Internet:
1. Twilight won everything except for the times when Hunger Games did. What an unpredictable twist of events that was. Hilariously, Jennifer Lawrence didn’t even bother to show up while a Robert Pattinson-less Kristen Stewart somehow realized through a fog of bong resin that she’s the only sucker who gets forced to show up to these things year-after-year. Then Jodie Foster eye-fucked her.
2. Christina Ricci looked awesome for someone who wasn’t even nominated and I’m almost positive didn’t even present an award. Good for her.
3. Johnny Depp received the MTV Generation Award presumably under the condition that if he showed up, he only had to mumble a few words and could just play guitar with the Black Keys the rest of the time while Steven Tyler and Joe Perry attempted to read.
4. Elizabeth Banks literally humped the cast of Magic Mike while Joe Manganiello stood around pretending things were his erect penis. Your mom bought two tickets.
5. Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender embarrassed themselves.
6. Emma Stone got some award for something. (Demonstrating how hot Lindsay Lohan would look if raised by normal parents? Who knows?)
7. Mila Kunis. (Probably should’ve put this higher.)
8. This Dark Knight Rises clip introduced by a somber Christian Bale who cried after seeing Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan and Bale have been adamant not even mentioning The Joker in TDKR. – while Joseph Gordon-Levitt inexplicably acted like they were presenting a clip from Battleship 2: Motherfuckin’ Parcheesi, Dawg!.
Can I borrow that axe for a minute, Joe Manganiello? I need to fully convey what’s happening in my pants and this Subway sub isn’t cutting it/makes me want to take a bite out of the end which sends the wrong message.
Photos: Getty
That weird moment when a mature woman gets much more attention than a “hot” girl.
“Ray! How did the Stay Puft marshmallow man get into your Jessica Biel fantasy?!”
Here he is:
Fapping Baboon.
Dollar Store Beyonce
And it’s not like the actual Beyonce is worth a dollar!
is that a smile? an odd thing to see on her; perhaps there was ecstasy in the drinking water there
that is a smile on that soulless ghoul of a girl. thus confirming my ecstasy in the water hypothesis at these events. she probably treated the popcorn like a sybian later.
“…and this is the urn these two Skeletors will be sharing this time next year”
“Hey Vanilla! How would you describe your career calendar after ‘Cool as Ice’?”
By court order, only permitted to wear non-logo’ed caps. No-one wants to be associated with this one-hit wonder.
Madonna!!
Madonna!!
ah, good ol’ object-as-penis humor. bringing you laughs since Lysistrata.
You almost never see perfectly round heads.
Except in China.
if I add one more pound to her frame…here…she’ll tip over for sure.
she must be hiding some serious bingo wings in those sleeves
I’d bang that little fatty.
If you really think that’s fat you ain’t interested in banging women. Period. Stop kidding yourself.
Hi Tony!
Also, if you actually use a period at the end of a sentence, using the word period (with another period after it) seems completely redundant to me. But what do I know? You could be some high falutin’ professor or something.
Low hanging fruit, at best. I sometimes say hello to someone combined with a wave and or handshake.
Question, you do not actually read the symbol “.” mentally of out loud do you?
Yes, i did that on purpose. Additionally, how hott is Kunis and i wish all women put a little weight on like this.
…me thinks that little fatty Mila Kunis has nothing better to do on a monday then patrol the forums as tony
Awful dress, made worse by water retention face.
Will not address douchebag issues standing next to her….not enough time.
He’s so…hairless.
mini me?
See women. That’s how you’re supposed to look. All of you.
I wish I could think of something smart-ass to say to disagree with you… nope, can’t.
Aerosmith was so cool.
In the fucking 70s.
Is he supposed to be a funny hobo clown or one of the sad ones?
Does that bitch have enough rings on? Seriously, whoever she fists is going to shit diamonds.
I feel like she’s done that hairstyle a million times. Love the shoes, though.
“Got Neck?
PS I LOVE KIDS!!!
What the hell happened to Johnny? Fillers of coke bloat?
HOTT body. i feel a tingle between my legs.
Why do her biceps look like a man’s, yet the rest of her looks like she needs to eat two double cheeseburgers, stat!
they were running a 2 for one special on man-parts so she took the arms to match the chest.
shes stunning and has a timeless look.
It looks like the Great Pumpkin ejaculated on her dress.
i like her but she cant fill out that hideous dress.
“Just a reminder, guys. This is the face you will have to look at when I blow you in the bathroom stall while doing lines of coke. Take a number!”
she has a really pretty face, but prefer darker more natural hair
Are you a fan of his handsome jaw?
Remind me again why the English were cloning sheep when THIS was within their borders?
The sheep are a lot lower maintenance.
Scientists should be working day and night to make sure she stays looking like that. Well, no they shouldn’t, but my vapid hyperbole is in proportion to the ridiculous boners this woman has given me since the late 90s.
No, you’re absolutely right. I mean, curing cancer is cute and all, but if every woman looked like this, there would be no disease or famine or poverty in the world. It’s fact. Look it up.
(Hear that, ladies? All those starving children in Africa and Haiti and Kate Gosselin’s basement? THEIR LIVES ARE ON YOU!)
gorgeous. she is my body inspiration
she has nice toned little legs, but that midsection and t rex arms…yuck
“O.M.G. I really hope it’s not obvious that my publicist rolled me out of bed, slapped some makeup on my face and forced me into this dress, like, fifteen minutes ago. I really need to lay off the hard stuff. But, how can I when I’m constantly being raped by these photographers?”
“Wait…fuck.” – Justin Timberlake
Heard he got those knuckle tats after he got out of jail. Wonder what they mean….
When you have to paint on fake abs, the whole “hole in dress” thing loses all credibility.
“You read the cahd, I’ll keep an eye on that Cohen charactah. ‘It was just a movie’ my ahss.”
Gah. There is nothing attractive about this guy. Why are they trying to force this caterpillar-eyebrow’d guy down our throats?
woof. Paris looks like she has a mouth full of cum she wants to spit out.
“This is how I got the part in ‘Panic Room.’”
Trying too hard.
…so they’re fucking, right?
They’re fucking. I mean, right there on stage. His penis is actually in her vagina there. Her leg and that monitor are just cleverly positioned to keep you from seeing it.
They’re fucking, AND he’s getting ready to eat her out at the same time. That’s how gigantic he is.
Trying to find one thing wrong with this picture. Nope, can’t find a goddamn thing…
“Hey Mila, how’s your mother?”
She’s starting to look like Chyna….
If I didn’t see the dress earlier, i would’ve thought it was Khloe from the thumbnail.
You know how I know you’re gay?