MTV Issues Statement on ‘Teen Mom’ Amber Portwood

“Yeah, I dunno. I’m thinking about having a kid named Sloth then chaining him in the basement of an old restaurant.”

Following Teen Mom Amber Portwood’s charges of two felonies and a misdemeanor for beating Gary Shirley in front of their toddler, MTV has issued the following statement:

“We are cooperating with all parties and hope for a quick and fair resolution that allows everyone involved to move forward in a positive manner.”

However, conveniently missing from MTV’s statements are answers to such questions as, “Why did they continue to film – more than once – a redneck beating another redneck in front of a child instead of, I dunno, putting the camera down and preventing a psychologically damaging situation?” And “Who the hell thought turning unwed teen moms into celebrities was a good idea in the first place?” Although, I’m pretty sure I know the answer to that last one: No one wants to see a teenager get an abortion then go on to live a full and productive life, potentially involving a college education. White trash tusslin’ in their own filth. That’s where the money is.

(Full Disclosure: I will do a complete 180 on this show if there’s an episode involving Farrah’s face being lit on fire by her own mother. Just keeping it honest.)

Photos: Splash News