Monica Lewinsky Paid $12 Million To Write About Putting Bill Clinton’s Penis In Her Mouth. USA!

September 19th, 2012 // 79 Comments
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While on the surface, Monica Lewinsky‘s story seems like just another example of years of evolution conditioning chubby chicks to make with the blowjays as quickly as possible so they can avoid harvesting leopard pelts by themselves which is fucking hard as shit. Except hers is unique in that it taught young Americans in the late ’90s to aspire to be president because that’s where all the mouth-wanging’s at. Or at least all of this is what I’m assuming went through the head of whatever publisher decided to pay Monica $12 million to write about a penis she saw 15 years ago that apparently to this day makes all of her boyfriends afraid to commit which I’m sure is the problem. RadarOnline reports:

“Monica has tried to move forward, but the nightmare of her affair with Bill still haunts her,” a close pal told The ENQUIRER. “She’s facing 40 without a man in her life, and seething about the way her reputation was destroyed as the whole world watched.”
For the first time ever, Mon­ica will also release steamy love letters she penned to the Cheater-in-Chief.
“Monica wrote the letters on her computer,” said another source. “In them, she opened her heart about her love for Bill and how much happier she could make him than Hillary. Some of what she wrote was so raw that she never sent them.”
Friends fear the blockbuster expose could finally torpedo the high-profile Clinton marriage, wreck Hillary’s future political career and trigger a potentially fatal health crisis for the 66-year-old politician.
“With Bill’s history of heart problems, her book could be more than just revenge, it could kill him!”

And let’s stop right there. Clearly whoever wrote this article has never seen or heard of Bill Clinton before because if you click on the pic of Monica, you’ll be taken to a gallery from not even four months ago where he openly posed with porn stars at his own charity gala. So not only is Hillary not going to give a shit because these two have only been married in a strictly legal and technical sense for years now, but I doubt he’s going to have a heart attack reliving how awesome it was sticking cigars in interns’ vaginas when he was the president. In fact, he’ll probably write her a thank you letter which, hey, look at that, I already have a copy of:

Dear Maureen,

I had completely forgotten about all those times your mouth had made passionate love to my penis when I was president. (I want to ask, “Didn’t some sort of hearing happened because of that?,” but I’m the sort of man who doesn’t trouble himself with recollections unencumbered with the pursuit of easily accessed pussy-letage for such is my nature.) Your detailed notes took me back to a place where the world was my oyster, and that oyster ended up being an overweight intern with daddy issues so fortunately I like just any ol’ shellfish. Any will do. I’ll now cherish these memories fondly or proceed to forget them again as I lose myself in a Taiwanese brothel for an entire winter as is my wont.

The most kind regards,

William Jefferson Clinton,
Former President of Your Mouth

Photo: Getty, Splash News

superficial

  1. catapostrophe

    Minor quibble: “interns’ vaginas,” rather than “intern’s vaginas”.

    Also: ’90s.

    Elementary!

    • catapostrophe

      Why the thumbs down? Some people actually PAY proofreaders.

      Also: fixed!

      • Pat C.

        Internet comment thread guideline: You should only point out punctuation / grammar / spelling errors when the poster has made a valid point that you don’t want to address.

      • Craptard

        I think it’s also acceptable to point out spelling / grammar mistakes contained in a post which itself is criticizing someone’s spelling / grammar errors. otherwise, stfu, nobody really gives a shit.

  2. jd

    Is there any doubt that Willie was our nation’s greatest leader? I don’t think so.

  3. It’s funny to think people actually cared about that stuff. Now, we would just be happy to find someone who could lead the country without either handing free money to fuck-ups or taking away the basic human rights of people.

    • Deacon Jones

      I think it’s funny that Newt Gingrich and the rest of the GOP were foaming at the mouth about this…..the whole time while Newt himself was cheating on his fucking wife, lol

      If that’s not another example of what a bunch of fucking hypocrites they are, I dont know what is.

      • Did Gingrich lie to a Grand Jury and Congress about it? Nobody who wasn’t up bright and early for church every Sunday really gave a damn where Clinton put his junk or his Cubans, and the thought of Gingrich having sex is horrifying. But a President — Democrat or Republican — can’t be allowed to lie to Congress about anything. And that is why he was impeached.

      • Maybe he didn’t have sex with her. Maybe little willie never went into her Lewinsky.

        Irregardless, he should have never been forced to testify about it. It was an abuse of power by Republicans looking for blood. It didn’t affect the country whatsoever. Everyone in Washington cheats, sometimes with members of the same sex. Who cares, I know I don’t. And I’m an independent, I’m just saying.

      • You’re right, msctex. Gingrich only lied to Congress regarding a House Ethics Committee investigation, prompting an unprecedented reprimand of a sitting Speaker and a $300,000 fine. He didn’t lie about fucking around on his (second) wife because nobody thought to ask him.

        And President Clinton wasn’t impeached for lying to Congress, he was impeached for lying to Ken Starr’s Whitewater grand jury in what was essentially a perjury trap and fishing expedition because they couldn’t get anything on Clinton in the original Whitewater charge.

      • True. I clearly should have again said, “. . .lie to Congress or a Grand Jury.” My apologies for losing track of the specifics regarding the people and convened legal panels to whom Bill Clinton lied. Keeping tabs on them all is not an easy task, Tom. Perhaps if I used notecards.

        And, why do you pretend I am remotely obligated to defend Newt Gingrich? I’ve little to no use for the guy, so don’t try and anchor me to the man. If he did what Clinton did, he should be just as disbarred. My attitude towards ALL these people is the same as HL Mencken’s: only look down.

      • Hey, you’re the one who counterposed “did Gingrich lie?” I just pointed out that no, he didn’t lie about that, he lied about something else instead.

      • No, I counterposed “Did Gingrich lie to a Grand Jury and Congress about it?”, regarding DJ’s comment about NG “…cheating on his fucking wife.” You’re the one who went off on a tangent to make a point that while valid, had yet to be broached.

        So, I suppose it depends upon what your definition of “it” is. Heh.

      • I’m not going to say that one party is worse than the other, but the fucking conservatives are so goddamn high and might about their morality and then they do the most fucked up shit. All those self-hating Republican queers that are against gay marriage can go jump off a cliff. Why do we care what people do with their personal life? I’ll never understand it.

        Rant done.

      • Not much to argue with. But like I said: I don’t CARE if he enjoyed nailing chubby crazy chicks. Were I to wake up one day and find myself married to a lesbian battle ax, who knows what might happen. But A President just can’t lie to Congress, Grand Juries, etc. about ANYTHING. It sets a truly dangerous precedent, and precedent is what our legal system revolves around.

      • I’m not disagreeing with that, I’m just saying he should’ve never been brought to talk about it anyway. It just didn’t matter. And bringing a President in front of Congress about anything Republicans fucking feel like asking him about his personal life ALSO sets a dangerous precedent. But you are right, he shouldn’t have lied, but I think politicians are so used to lying about their sex life it just comes spilling out.

      • Read Christopher Hitchen’s “No One Left to Lie to.” Because you’ve got a valid point: of all the things Clinton did, they picked the most meaningless to pursue. WJC, naturally, did what he does when caught, and tried to lie his way out. But he could be Republican, Independent, Libertarian or freaking Whig, and I’d be saying the same thing. These bastards CANNOT be allowed to pick and choose which laws they obey, because they will immediately construct a set which pertains only to themselves.

      • I think we pretty much agree on all counts. Of course lying isn’t okay, but it’s kind of like when I lie to someone because it’s none of their fucking business. I don’t think thats wrong, because, well, it’s none of their fucking business. But obviously Billy is held to a higher standard, and he was under oath. My original comment, though, was a general wistfulness back to a day when THIS was a big deal.

      • Agreed. *big wistful sigh*

      • Sort of like Dubya did.

        BTW, Bill Clinton and I are of the generation in which it was understood that if someone asked if a specific girl sucked one’s dick, one automatically said NO! That protected the reputation of the female involved, was code for It’s none of your fucking business, and blocked other guys from getting fellated by that same chick.

      • Good god, Vito. Believe it or not, there is ample reason to believe the guy who shoved a cigar in the girl’s twat was not concerned about her reputation. Read the post right below yours.

      • Eric

        The simple fact is that the President of the United States of America lied under oath to deny a citizen a fair and just trial in a court of law.

        The reason Clinton lied was not because it was a private matter, it had everything to do with the Paula Jones sexual harassment lawsuit. It all started when he was asked during that lawsuit if he had ever been alone with Monica, or if he ever had sexual relations with Monica. He denied both under oath, and the judge ultimately agreed that his statements were intentionally false. Why? Because, Jones’ lawyers were trying to show that Clinton had a pattern of sexual behavior with government employees who worked for him.

        If he admitted that he had sex with Lewinsky, then Paula Jones’ case is stronger. Instead, he lied about it, withholding evidence that might allow her to win the lawsuit. The Supreme Court had ruled 9-0 that Paula Jones had a right to a fair trial. Bill Clinton denied her that right.

        When the Democrats talk about a war on women, remember how much they all went to bat for Bill Clinton who used the power and the prestige of the United States to squash a woman’s right to a fair trial.

      • rican

        Don’t forget Clinton put his cigar in her twat then smoked it. For that action alone he must be cleared for all cunts. counts I mean.

      • Hahahaha exactly. I am so surprised she wasn’t in porn after this. The “Ambulatory Humidor” line that someone else made would be the perfect workign title.

      • Deacon Jones

        lmfao

  4. Did she not learn anything about wearing black?!

  5. Honest to god, just the other day I was thinking it was kind of admirable by today’s standards that this woman hadn’t reappeared to make another grab for money, and that perhaps she had realized being some sort of ambulatory humidor was something she should leave behind.

  6. Joaquin ingles

    “Some of what she wrote was so raw she never sent them (fabricated to sell a book).”

  7. Fred Garvin

    $3 million per inch and a load of scum bag mayo to go. Poor Bill what a loser.

    • Zombie Juan Epstein

      After seeing the snaps of Reagan and Bush Sr. barebacking on top of the eagle Bill figured anything he did in the Oval Office was probably okay.

  8. Onyx Blackman

    I used to find Lewinsky hot, but damn she’s turning into Linda Tripp.

  9. JC

    I love how “she’s having a hard time moving on from her infamy” juxtaposed with “so she decided to remind everyone of her time on her knees in the Oval Office.”

  10. Bonky

    Anything to take their minds off the Romney disaster.

  11. usa usa!

    Hell, I’d probably blow a guy for 12 million and I’m straight!

  12. Frank Burns

    What’s giving Bill a heart attack is that while he only rated a Lewinksi, Obama gets to nail Senator Johansson.

  13. Cpuntry John

    I wonder who will help her through the trauma of depositing 12 million dollars into her bank account? Think she’ll gag on that one too? As for Bill, he’ll love the publicity.

  14. rican

    She’s without a man because she is ugly and stupid.

  15. How convenient that as soon as Biil Clinton steps back into the public spotlight in a major way with his speech at the DNC, the most overblown part of presidency comes roaring back to remind us that he once cheated on his wife and therefore we must disregard everything he says.

    There are no coincidences in life.

  16. “Dear Maureen”—excellent touch, Fish.

  17. Eddie Baby

    Clinton banging endless chicks is what will kill him not some trash he threw away years ago. He really could care less.

  18. Did anybody else think, based on the title, that she paid $12 million to write about it?

  19. ace11

    Bill should just dump Hillary and marry Monica

  20. rantatonne

    William Jefferson Clinton,
    Former President of Your Mouth

    really need to become president of something, anything, for the sole purpose of being able to sign a letter with Former President of Your Mouth. Thank you for the inspiration!

  21. This reminds me of a video I once saw where some chick agrees to let a guy put it in her ass for $400.

    Now that’s capitalism!

  22. Shiloh

    The woman on the left of that picture is Jennifer Taule. She’s married to the guy who owns Penthouse.

  23. Billy

    But, will she wear the infamous “Blue Dress” on the cover?

  24. Edod

    Might wanna check the title’s wording a little. To me it reads she paid 12 mil to write a book. Which makes no sense.

  25. Brooklyn Lee Pornstar Bill Clinton Twitter
    Beer Baron
    Commented on this photo:

    Hello Goat Face!

    BTW: White girls should not have Asian last names. That’s just gimmick infringement.

  26. Cpm

    It’s about time she gets the money shot.

  27. Hell, I’d let Monica Lewinsky suck my dick any day. And since I’m a “nobody,” no one would give a fuck, so she wouldn’t be bothered by the paps and other media barracudas.
    (PS: I wouldn’t cum on her dress, either. Unless she wanted me to.)

  28. Martina

    Monica has no one to blame but herself. She was a consenting adult. She still blames Bill because Republicans found out about the affair and it became public?

  29. Carl

    She’s facing 40 without a man in her life because she is dumber than a box of rocks not because of what happened with Bill Clinton.

  30. Bionic_Crouton

    If this was testimony for a trial, she would be dismissed because the statute of limitations has passed.

  31. Rapsutin's Evil Twin

    There was a book, “Monica’s Story” that came out in 1999. What publlisher is going to pay her $12 mill for an already-told story? We’ve heard it, we’re long past caring.

    As someone described the Starr Report, $20 million spent just to hear a woman describe fellatio. Talk about being screwed.

  32. Craptard

    So Lewinsky is getting $12 million for sucking Clinton’s dong a couple times back in the 1990′s – by that standard, Fish must be getting a hundred bazillion for having Obama’s dong deep down his throat for 4 years now!

  33. Oh Fish, your letter as Bubba made me laugh and laugh again. xD

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