Miranda Kerr Is Single

October 25th, 2013 // 48 Comments
Miranda Kerr Topless
Miranda Kerr Topless
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We’re still two months away from the Baby Jesus’ birthday, and yet he’s already bestowed a gift upon us by breaking up Miranda Kerr and Legolas even though we kind of murdered his ass then went, “Haha, remember all that stuff he said about poor people? Fuck that.” E! News reports:

A rep for Bloom exclusively confirms the breakup. “In a joint statement, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have announced that they have been amicably separated for the past few months,” the rep said in a statement. “After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation.”
The statement continued, “Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family.”

Of course, I’m sure this has nothing to do with Miranda flirting with Gerard Butler back in May because you know what husbands love? The sweet smell of chemical toilet and Scottish broque on their wives. Which, for the record, would not stop me from having sex with Miranda Kerr, and so right now, in this moment, sitting here as a man typing to a woman, I want her to live in that truth. Unlike Orlando Bloom, there is a man out there who will make love to you no matter how many times you cheat on him or have some sort of weird fungus from the highlands. Help me help you make me your doormat.

Photos: Abaca USA/AKM-GSI, Getty

superficial

  1. cc

    The first step toward fulfilling my density.

  2. Mike

    Thats Miranda on the pic? She looks unrecognizable!!

  3. Urbanspaceman

    This saddens me.

  4. MR.ASS

    CHIPMUNK CHEATER

  5. I look forward to seeing more of her bare breasts in the coming months as she flaunts her newly single status in magazines and in videos.

  6. j-sin

    Guess the old adage is true: No matter how beautiful the woman, some dude out there is tired of fucking her.

  7. Jackson

    Its newsworthy if Adriana lima is single.

  8. Mimi

    This is sad but I never got the fascination about her.. she hasn’t got a pretty face

  9. Convex

    The Irish have the brogue, and the Scots have the burr. Really, Fish, you’re better than this.

    @Ross: Please do not pollute this place with ape-face Perez Hilton’s pathetic, nasty site. If you have to reference him, you’ve already failed.

  10. I’ll Heisman any fucker who gets in my way.

  11. Webster

    …”they were”, not “…they was”.

  12. Walter White

    She needs to wax above her lip. That lady ‘stache is getting thick.

  13. Jess

    She always struck me as a stuck up beeyotch. All she does is take her clothes off and pose for pictures. And the cheating rumours are probably true. Plus Orlando is no longer the big A-List star she married. Can’t stand her.

  14. JC

    Dear Miranda,

    Like Fish, I don’t care if you cheat on me, but I’ll take it a step further: You can bang other dudes in our house, while I’m at home. My only condition is that you use the guest room bed instead of ours.

    O.K., fine, I won’t insist on that, but at least wash the sheets after.

    O.K., fine, I’ll sleep on the couch until the maid washes the sheets.

    Love,
    JC

  15. coljack

    Whyyyy? Whyyyy are you leaving me? Oh, you saw Three Musketeers? OK, I see your point.

  16. coljack

    So sad. I loved these two in The Dark Crystal.

  17. Deacon Jones

    the source continued-

    “A trusted coworker of Miranda’s has said she was tired of constantly putting a strap-on dildo on and fucking Mr. Bloom in the ass. Mr Bloom reportedly turned gay after playing a giant pussy in the movie “Troy”.”

    • lol. Mr. Bloom rendered himself entirely unfuckable for life after ‘Troy’ in this household. Mr. Bana on the other hand…… sometimes with both hands.

  18. Dox

    Maybe its me…. but women seem to lose a huge amount of attractiveness when they cheat.

    I guess I’m just old.

  19. I heard the hoe was fucking Dicaprio. Wouldn’t be surprised though. Those models spread that runway poon all over the globe. She’ll end up on some reality show to make ends meet before whoring herself out to oil sheiks. If she ain’t already.

  20. Whenever I hear “Orlando Bloom”, I instantly get an image of Opus the penguin in my mind.

  21. dontkillthemessenger

    Be a man Fish. I would never beg a woman to be with me.

    I find stalking her, jumping out in front of her car, getting hit, then being nursed back to health to by her to be a much more intelligent plan.

  22. coljack

    I think I just heard John Mayer pop a boner.

  23. No surprise, like a famewhore, she married him at the height of his fame. Now that he is a bit actor, she’s ready to move on. She’s pretty, but her shit isn’t all that. Mine, on the other hand, is fan-fucking-tastic.

  24. It was obvious that she was single with all her toplessness and general parading these last few months. I’ll say this improves my chances of nailing her significantly.

  25. right

    Word is, Orlando fucked a hot flight attendant on a private flight he had taken, about a year ago. Yes she is a real bitch in person.

  26. tlmck

    The line forms behind me. I will so dazzle her with my boyish charm that she will never notice my empty pockets.

  27. Cat's Meow

    The hilarious thing is, there people that are surprised by this. She has been playing around for years, it’s common knowledge.

  28. Edvard Munch

    I’m totally gonna ask her out.

  29. Miranda Kerr Nipples
    yumm
    Commented on this photo:

    oh she wants the drop the skirt , too ( accidentally , unintentionally) , yes please

  30. Miranda Kerr Nipples
    waynemoores
    Commented on this photo:

    Ah, and those nice big brown nipples just add to the hotness!!

  31. Miranda Kerr Nipples
    BlackManUSAonTwitter
    Commented on this photo:

    Her Wardrobe might be malfunctioning….

    (Puts on sunglasses)

    …My Boner isn’t.

    YEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

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