Minnie Driver is pregnant – with a mini Criss Angel?!

March 14th, 2008 // 51 Comments

Minnie Driver announced her pregnancy last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. She wouldn’t say who the father was, but People provides some clues which I use to immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s Criss Angel’s baby. Because everyone knows I’m the Sherlock Holmes of the uterus:

Driver said that she loves being pregnant, “more than anything else,” but acknowledged, “I am sick.”
“I don’t know why they call it morning sickness,” she said. “I am sick morning, noon and night, but it’s a fair trade-off.”
The British-born, Emmy-nominated actress did not say who the father was. She dated her Good Will Hunting costar Matt Damon in the late 1990s, then was engaged to Josh Brolin in 2001 and was linked last year to illusionist Criss Angel.

The only way we’ll know if the child is really the spawn of Magical Sea-Douche Criss Angel is if it’s born wearing no less than 55 necklaces. If there’s only 54, all bets are off until we get a DNA sample from Mr. T.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. psychochild

    first!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Gerald_Tarrant

    Mr.T pities Minnie driver if she’s pregnant with Criss Angel’s baby.

  3. Gerald_Tarrant

    #1 is a Fool who posts jibba-jabba.

  4. Goofs

    So your saying she fucks then

  5. Tapeworm

    Wouldn’t name the father?

    Unless she’s a whore, shouldn’t it be pretty obvious? I’d think *someone* out there knows who she’s been dating the last few months.

    Unless her idea of a date is lying on her back with her legs spread with a line of guys stretching into the hallway waiting to take their turn.

    I’m just saying.

  6. peeps

    SPERM DONOR. I call SPERM DONOR baby! Either it’s a sperm donor or the relationship is OVA and she’s having a Bridget Moynahan.

  7. janex

    My prediction for the birth? Pain.

  8. MosesGabby

    Great!!!! Another bastard child soon to be born to a celebrity.

  9. I’m waiting until the find out it’s Kevin Federline’s.

  10. deacon jones

    She looks like that escort whore fast forwarded 10 years after the cocaine habit kicks in

    Big lips=big nipples

  11. BA Baracus

    I done told you Hannibal, I don’t like to be inside no goddamn plane nor any goddamn brit pussy!

  12. Ript1&0

    Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for any of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy….. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductible crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. Cashing in on the PR and getting even richer the following year. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. Their bogus efforts to make the world a better place can not possibly succeed. Any ‘humanitarian’ progress made in one area will be lost in another. EVERY SINGLE TIME. IT ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductible contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. Now, there are commercial ties between nearly every industry and every public figure. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘good will’ BS. ITS A LIE. If you fall for it, then you’re a fool.. If you see any real difference between the moral character of a celebrity, politician, attorney, or executive, then you’re a fool. WAKE UP PEOPLE. THEIR GOAL IS TO WIN THE GAME. The 1% club will always say or do whatever it takes to get as rich as possible. Without the slightest regard for anything or anyone but themselves. Reaganomics. Their idea. Loans from China.. Their idea. NAFTA. Their idea. Outsourcing. Their idea. Sub-prime. Their idea. The commercial lobbyist. Their idea. The multi-million dollar lawsuit.. Their idea. $200 cell phone bills. Their idea. $200 basketball shoes. Their idea. $30 late fees. Their idea. $30 NSF fees. Their idea. $20 DVDs. Their idea. Subliminal advertising. Their idea. Brainwash plots on TV. Their idea… Prozac, Zanex, Vioxx, and Celebrex. Their idea. The MASSIVE campaign to turn every American into a brainwashed, credit card, pharmaceutical, love-sick, couch potatoe, celebrity junkie. Their idea. All of the above shrink the middle class, concentrate the world’s wealth and resources, and wreak havok on society. All of which have been CREATED AND ENDORSED by celebrities, athletes, executives, entrepreneurs, attorneys, and politicians. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for any of their ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTIBLE PR CRAP.. In many cases, the ‘charitable’ contribution is almost entirely offset.. Not to mention the opportunity to plug their name, image, product, and ‘good will’ all at once. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. These filthy pigs even have the nerve to throw a fit and spin up a misleading defense with regard to ‘tax revenue’. ITS A SHAM. THEY SCREWED UP THE EQUATION TO BEGIN WITH. ITS THEIR OWN DAMN FAULT. If the middle and lower classes had a greater share of the pie, they could easily cover a greater share of the federal tax revenue. They are held down in many ways because of greed. Wages remain stagnant for millions because the executives, celebrities, athletes, attorneys, and entrepreneurs, are paid millions. They over-sell, over-charge, under-pay, outsource, cut jobs, and benefits to increase their bottom line. As their profits rise, so do the stock values. Which are owned primarily by the richest 5%. As more United States wealth rises to the top, the middle and lower classes inevitably suffer. This reduces the potential tax reveue drawn from those brackets. At the same time, it wreaks havok on middle and lower class communities and increases the need for financial aid.. Not to mention the spike in crime because of it. There is a dominoe effect to consider. So when people forgive the rich for all of the above and then praise them for paying a greater share of the FEDERAL income taxes, its like nails on a chalk board. If these filthy pigs want to be over-paid, then they should be over-taxed as well. Remember: The richest 1% STILL own 1/2 of all United States wealth EVEN AFTER taxes, charity, and PR CRAP. A similar rule applies worldwide. There is nothing anyone can say to justify that. Anyway, there is usually a higher state and local burden on the middle class. They get little or nothing without a local tax increase. Otherwise, the red inks flows like a waterfall. Service cuts and lay-offs follow. Again, because of the OBSCENE distribution of bottom line wealth in this country. I can not accept any theory that our economy would suffer in any way with a more reasonable distribution of wealth. Afterall, it was more reasonable 30 years ago. Before Reaganomics came along. Before GREED became such an epidemic. Before we had an army of over-paid executives, celebrities, athletes, attorneys, investors, entrepreneurs, developers, and sold-out politicians to kiss their asses. As a nation, we were in much better shape. Lower crime rate, more widespread prosperity, stable job market, free and clear assets, lower deficit, ect. Our economy as a whole was much more stable and prosperous for the majority. WITHOUT LOANS FROM CHINA. Now, we have a more obscene distribution of bottom line wealth than ever before. We have a sold-out government, crumbling infrastructure, energy crisis, home forclosure epidemic, 13 figure national deficit, and 12 figure annual shortfall. ALL BECAUSE OF GREED. I really don’t blame the 2nd -5th percentiles. No economy could ever function without some reasonable scale of personal wealth and income. But it can’t be allowed to run wild like a mad dog. GREED KILLS. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, Drew, and Bill are not part of the solution.. They are part of the problem. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE HUMANITARIAN. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.

    By the way. Save the jealousy, envy, socialist, communist crap. My God people. Look a little deeper. I didn’t even write this. I just happen to agree with most of it.

  13. Stank Nut

    her singing wasn’t THAT bad, and her tits were fucking huge last night

    I’d suck those milk trucks dry

    swing low sweet chariots

  14. janex

    @13 – Thanks for the bring down. On a Friday no less. Anchor.

  15. Get a Life

    Goddamn whore this is not the Bill ‘O Reily show slut. Why don’t you find something else to do with your time. Like not come here?

  16. Che's Ghost

    Chyase! Numero trece, choo are sssso correcto. Viva le rrrrrrevolucion! Pero Senor Quayle, ees not potatoe no spelled with an e pendejo?

  17. Sambo the Ass Pirate

    Between Criss Angel siring the antichrist and the conspiracy theories like the fruitcake in #13, i’m fairly certain the world will end by 2012.

  18. nipolian

    Having sex with Chris Angel gives a whole new meaning to the word douching.

  19. Grunion

    #13 easily the single most uninteresting thing I’ve ever read. good job.

  20. Tears are literally rolling down my cheeks after having read this. Whomever writes this shit is a fucking genius. I am in love with you and am willing to sacrifice the elasticity of my vaginal walls to have your love child.

    PS- #13 really needs to get laid. At least a blowjob. Screw that, a handjob would do!

  21. Gerald_Tarrant

    I volunteer to lay #13.

  22. janex

    @22 – Only with the inclusion of ATM, correct?

  23. D. Richards (Saint.)

    Good for you, Minnie. And thank you. Thank you for — going on Jay Leno, and. . .telling the world about your pregnancy. You’re a brave, brave, strong, woman.

    I care, really.

    Just a hopin’ and a prayin’ — for autism!

  24. cba

    She’s pretty ugly, but not nearly as ugly as Matt Damon’s wife.

  25. John Elliot

    To Ript1&0 aka 13:

    Let’s get real . . . you’re a very angry individual. Most likely, you have no abilities which would qualify you to make a decent living. You topped out at about 28k and are pissed. I am also willing to bet you tend to wear a lot of brown and smell of b.o. Am I right or am I right?

  26. Gerald_Tarrant

    @23-Hey, if she likes it, I love it. Who am I to judge? If a chick says “I want you to stick it in my ass” and while I’m taking care of that request says “now stick it in my mouth” I feel I would be remiss in my duties as a male if I didn’t oblige her. Afterall, when I am with a woman, it is all about listening to the needs of that special lady. Of course if she wants a kiss after, hell no. That’s just plain sick. I may toss her salad but have no need to taste my own salad dressing.

  27. you guys are all gross

    27. That’s one hell of a special lady! Make sure you have her wipe her mouth before bringing her home to mommy.

  28. sla

    I can’t really picture her having sex with the master magician… okay, I can, but don’t want to. I hope he washed first.

    And to #13 Ript1&0 — nobody here cares. At least I think that’s true… I didn’t read your post, just saw the length and of couse scrolled past it asap.

  29. just curious

    Yeah # 13 Ript1&0, get off this site. I too scrolled past it after reading the 1st line, save it for another time and place, but not here and now. Get outta here!

    Driver, yeah so cool to be an unwed mother and brag about it. Nice role model f or the young ones. Good thing they don’t really probably watch this show too much. Granted your not the only one doing this pregnancy thing purposely, but who really cares? Haven’t heard about you for a long time…is the preganacy the only reason to be on the show now???? Don’t k now, didn’t watch you last night, and wouldn’t have If I would have known.

  30. Ted from LA

    I heard Criss Angel made himself disappear the second Minni said, “I’m pregnant.”

  31. The Troll of Ript

    Listen Bunsmiths, Ript didn’t write that shit. Some maniacal fucking asshole with a pathological desire to rule a giant ant farm – the world’s largest – growing out of his anus – did.
    A strong but unloved baby, it survived by feeding off the hatred of his parents and the insects that swarmed his filthy hole in the floor where he was left to dwell. It grew, this sexually ambiguous young Trolling, having stored the manifest energies of perversion and discord from his family’s disgust towards his pathetic existence. It grew and grew and did not stop growing. Greedily, it hobbled unnoticed amidst the environs of men, absorbing every profanity and disfiguration selfishly calling deformity and disease his art. Despising procreation for wasted energy, he devoured his own genitalia.
    And then when he learned nothing and saw only shadows, he sequestered himself back in his hole and became…the worst Asshole on the Cyberplane…the Troll of Ript.
    Like an eternal maggot that has eaten his host to dust, the repulsive worm (I) vanishes in the indignities of his own sorrow, shame, and ignorance. But lies in stasis…awaiting new flesh to devour…pungence…

  32. Ript1&0

    Thanks, man. Of course I didn’t write that bullshit. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not interested in politics.

  33. Gerald_Tarrant

    I knew Ript didn’t write that but my offer still stands.

  34. Mikey Jackson

    Actually…I’m the dad!

  35. Uni-Troll {spawn of self-loathing}

    Sweety, you don’t owe me any thanks. (Of course a small fee for the infamy I generated)
    Ript is actually smokin’ hot, fellow Dirtbagz! I would make her my mate except for a few quite severe disadvantages:
    1) She hates my fucking guts
    2)She should hate my fucking guts
    3)I have no genitals
    4) I would not exactly say that I am homeless, but I could not invite the lovely young lady in my dwelling as it is composed chiefly of my own excreta and malignant epithelial residue, perpetually exuding due to severe skin cancer; it serves as my own fortress of body waste – a parlor of self dung – a home of self – lacing with a matrix of calcium deposits. Now teeth are forming on the exterior permitting Troll the advantage of feeding on scavangers that are attractted to a convecting cloud of flies and mosquitoes and knats. The pulsing heave of worms. The sensual write of my emptying bowels, renourishing self of self to self selfishly.
    5) A few pretty severe psychological hangups the least of which is my low self-esteem
    6) Lack of social ettiquette (constant desire to consume others to compensate for rampant hypermetabolism – the metamorphosis guys)
    7)She may not be attracted to me (what do you think?)

    Of course I have a few good traits…?
    Do mo betta drugs ya’ll
    Happy fucking friday assholes

  36. First of all, no baby is every a “bastard” just because they may grow up without a Father around…shame on whoever said that. Congratulations Minnie on the good news:)

  37. Ript1&0

    Dear Uni-Troll,

    Clearly if I wanted infamy, I would’ve been spamming this site with my Youtube and Myspace pages from the beginning.

    Just wanted to point that out. Thanks.

    K

  38. Jamba!

    It’s Popfiction! :P

    maybe….

  39. Jet Fashion Maven

    Who would even consider having sex with Criss Angel without a rubber?

  40. large marge

    I saw Minnie walking down the street in Sausalito in July with a guy who looked a bit younger, maybe 30ish? They looked happy – she was GLOWING. She’s unbelievably gorgeous in person. I can spot the most random, unknown celeb a mile away, and this guy was absolutely NOT a famous face.

    I’m happy for her. So sue me.

  41. Julie

    It’s not Criss’s, they dated like 9 months ago, and she looks like she’s only 3 months pregnant. Criss has been dating Miss Nevada for like a month or so. They are “serious”. It’s rumored, that Criss is married because in some recent pics, he had a tattoo design on his ring finger and Miss Nevada had a matching one.

  42. Infamous Uni-Troll

    Well I play the guitar and some other instruments as well although not often. I guess I could do the same video thing. I can sing but again it is not something I do much. I work out a bit, I sketch occasionally, dabble in watercolors and oil. Landscape quite well and other ridiculous activites over the years. I guess I should consider myself an artist as well.
    I am self employed.
    But alas I do not take anything I do seriously and do not quite honestly give a wipe fraction of a shit about what people (other than the R E A L ones in my actual physical nondigital life) think about me, at least on this site. I say what I have to say only for the sake of being ridiculous. I do not intend to hurt the feelings of actual people as I said before I made the erroneous assumption that everyone else here was like me and only a character/characters talking trash for fun. I will apologize to those whom are offended and suggest they not visit this site. It is laden with profanity and blatant disregard for humanity.
    I love this place!!!

    I truly pity the mindsets of those who do not understand that when you go onto a playground such as this there will be unexpected ideation (psychosis?) and an airing of thoughts that are not normally expressed (nature of aphysical communion).
    Some of us take ourselves way too seriously or herald our talents (usually acquired skills) in far too great a light – “I am above this nonsense”.
    My suggestion would be to realize that everything said here is ultimately in various forms of humor and quite a bit of it is mean spirited. The author/s of this site write nasty shit about the celebrites and we all laugh because quite a bit of humor is inately cruel. But noone is being harmed.
    Anyone here is always welcome to hammer me like a nail into balsa wood. I love it and promise to respond. I expect no respect and deserve none.

    I do not wish to be contacted via e-mail by anyone here. I did not and will not give my personal info to anyone here so please do not try to contact me. I do not want to know anyone here other than as a non-entity on the forum
    Thanks
    Uni-Troll

    (Maybe I will offer the suicidally bored, readings of some of my amazing love letters to my hand on Youtube. Or maybe film myself yodelling on the toilet.

  43. rosa

    minnie driver ?? I just found some of her photos on another rich men seeking fun site Sugarmatchmaker.com, but my question is what she is doing with such a service. She wanna a rich men for sugar daddy?? terrible..

  44. Ript1&0

    Nice try. I still know.

  45. Ript1&0

    PS =
    1) No I don’t
    2) Ok, she has a point, I’ll give her that one
    3) Is he also handless and tongueless?
    4) Physically ill…. obvious
    5) Aww.. wanna talk about it?
    6) That’s an extreme way to describe a sense of humor, isn’t it?
    7) Attraction is an understatement, I’d say

  46. rosa

    she’s baby is well .. but someone said she joined an online service sugarmatchmaker.com, a place for rich men to spoil and support sexy women..

  47. Dead Troll

    Regarding #5:

    I believe self esteem is a function of ego. I do not have one. I am not a self but rather a parasite (troll) and therefore my concept of “me” is merely a permutation of “you”. In essence, my existence is marginal and has not function sans the host. I have been quasi-terminated and am at the moment in stasis.
    Fear not, for your anti-hero is virulent and will survive extrication and invade a new host.
    Terminus.

  48. jiojo

    first of all number 13 shut THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK UP U FUCKIN RETARDED FREAK-how about minnie shes a dogggg-her fuzzy hair and fuckin weird face-like whod fuck that shit-and why is she famous-like what the fuck did she star in

  49. Large sexy .I just saw her in millonaire dating site”WealthyLoving.com”.Is she really fall in love with a young sexy boy?

  50. Deva

    Is the chick serious? What the hell has she done to even warrant being on the late show? When her only claim to fame is that she used to screw Matt Damon until he dumped her. And you know she keeps a shrine in her house to him.
    I wonder if she’ll name the baby Matt?
    And i’m not trying to imply that having kids is trendy in Hollywood and Minnie Driver is on the bandwagon….Naaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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