Minka Kelly Secretly Hooked Up With Jake Gyllenhaal

June 14th, 2012 // 12 Comments
The Man's Persistent
Minka Kelly
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Back in January, Minka Kelly shot down Jake Gyllenhaal because she was too busy trying to make things work with Derek Jeter again and/or complete her Upper Deck collection of 2006 Yankees. Turns out Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t give up that easily and doesn’t mind following Wilmer Valderrama provided nobody talks about it except, oh, wait, fuck. Us Weekly reports:

[Minka] Kelly spent the winter romancing serial dater Wilmer Valderrama, 32. But when the affair fizzled in late April, says the friend, Kelly “decided to give Jake another chance.”
Alas, the spark never quite caught fire, says a second source. “It was never serious, and it’s over now.”

I know the easy joke here is the spark never caught fire because in Jake Gyllenhaal’s eye nothing beats the flammability of a dick, but let’s focus on the real news. Namely that you can apparently just starting claiming to have secret sex with Minka Kelly which is insulting to people like me who actually did. In fact, she’ll probably sue me just for saying that, that’s how secret it was when I saw her squat naked in a forest glen, our eyes meeting like two powerful magnets about to bone if I may quote The Bard.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

superficial

  1. I’m secretly having sex with her right now.

  2. Desperation is a big turn-off. With that said, Minka if you are that desperate give me a shot.

  3. judging you

    I still think Jake Gyllenhaal is gay.

  4. USDA Prime McBeef

    The CDC needs to update that Jerpes map.

  5. catapostrophe

    This must be one of the best sentences [sic] ever penned:

    “Namely that you can apparently just starting claiming to have secret sex with Minka Kelly which is insulting to people like me who actually did.”

    Bravo!

  6. So… there’s more than one Jake Gyllenhaal? And the other one’s straight?

  7. And by “secretly” we mean she only told a couple of PR people

  8. anonym

    why is this girl important again ?

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