Miley Cyrus Thought She Could Replace Emily Ratajkowski, This Isn’t Funny Anymore

August 26th, 2013 // 178 Comments
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A few months back, Robin Thicke released his video for “Blurred Lines” which featured Emily Ratajkowski bouncing around naked because she is a gift and an angel from God. I’d even go so far to say it’s the music video equivalent of Peter Dinklage hula hooping and should be spoken of in hushed whispers and awed tones. Except last night, the VMAs producers thought it’d be great to defile Emily’s legacy by having Gwen Stefani on meth twerk her lizard tongue in a nude vinyl bikini all over Robin Thicke which she naturally agreed to because everyone seems to forget Miley Cyrus has been vagina diddling onstage since she was knee high to a grasshopper. (Or 2010, whatever.) At any rate, below is her performance because 20 years ago Alan Thicke and Billy Ray Cyrus touched an Aztec skull at the same time during a thunderstorm. That’s the only explanation here.

 

And here’s how Will Smith‘s entire family reacted:

Will Smith Family Reaction To Miley Cyrus VMAs

 

In their defense, this is how incredible and now classier in comparison the unrated “Blurred Lines” video is:

 

And, finally, so you’ll never sleep at night because the lizard tongue strikes when your eyes are closed:

Miley Cyrus Tongue VMAs

It tasteses your thoughtsss…

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Clevercommentnotrequired

    WTF is with that tongue. She should at least be able to give a decent BJ with that.

  2. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Yes, please.

  3. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m sorry, but that’s a great ass

    • TomCruisesAgent

      You know how I know your gay?
      You have an attraction to girls with the body of a 12 year old boy.
      No curves, flat as an ironing board.
      Tom Cruise wants your phone number.

      • Deacon Jones

        Fine with me, you can have that fat fuck black girl in the tiger stripes.

      • TomCruisesAgent

        Hahaha… Why is that? And to who do you refer?
        You are a gay dude, you argue like a woman. Bring in some shit that has nothing to do with what has been said. Because I think Miley is flat, that instantly means I want some massive fat chick? Haha…. You go girl !!!

      • Sanity

        Ooooh, a fugly female hambeast alert. : )) Which one of your chins are you speaking now from? :) Go kill yourself useless sack of lard.

    • vandal

      On a twelve year old boy maybe. You’ve got issues,

    • Although sheepskin seat covers are not usually worn as undergarments.

    • Always funny when nerdy white dudes from the suburbs try to act like they know what bangin’-ass booty looks like.

      Thanks for the laugh, Deacon.

  4. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    “Fish Lips” have officially been replaced by “Cock Tongue”.

    Prepare to see that annoying, high maintenance bitch cousin of yours on Facebook doing alot of this.

  5. Kenny G

    I’d hate to have a young daughter. This talentless crap kids are being exposed to nowadays is pathetic.

    Whats with the tongue. She looks stupid. Michael Lohan wishes this was his daughter.

    • I’ve been trying to figure this out for quite a while. I’m 35, and at this age I am perfectly willing to accept that I may be entering cultural marginalization. I still feel relevant, but I also understand almost nothing of what is considered culturally significant.

      T.V. is now the domain of the “unscripted’ drama”. Popular culture seems to be catering by and large towards girls or young women (14-22). That seems to be the desired demographic. Obviously, this does not describe all young women but generalities exist because they have some basis in truth. Marketing cynical, manufactured drama as reality is not only common but totally accepted as a valid form of entertainment. You need look no further than Bravo, E!, MTV, VH1, etc. People mock the Kardashians, but dollars speak louder than words and they have made a fortune because people accept them and all of their disingenuous, artificial lives in front of the camera as entertainment. If they didn’t there would be no money to be had.

      Miley Cyrus, who is a child, has come of age in that world. And she has received more exposure (pun fully intended) for her hyper-sexualized, “outrageous” behavior in the last 1-2 years than she ever did for any of her musical or cinematic efforts. In this world dry-humping Robin Thicke while he sings his mediocre song of the summer is just good marketing. Marketing what? Herself. Her “brand”. Every semi-celebrity asshole on Earth now believes themselves to be Phil Knight or Steve Jobs, and increasing the recognition or influence of their brand no matter how is what passes for keen business savvy now. It’s a different world. A world I don’t understand. I came of age in the grunge era, when questions of authenticity and integrity were paramount and could make or destroy someone’s career. These things could not matter any less to a young audience now. I don’t mean that as a ‘back in the good old days’ rant. I mean only that I do not understand it, and yet it flourishes, so the only reasonable conclusion is that I and my sensibilities are being pushed out to pasture. And that’s OK. Things must and always do change. It is neither good nor bad. My parents almost certainly felt that dressing like a hobo and listening to Nirvana sing songs with lyrics that sounded like insane gibberish was a cultural step back.

      That is why it’s good to have a site like this, where cynical old grouches like myself can launch snarky assaults against the icons of our own growing irrelevance. And see boobies.

      Fuck you, Miley Cyrus. Fuck you right in your stupid hillbilly ass.

      • You might be 35, but you think like you are 85.

      • Haha. Mr. Nice Guy has to be the douche that wen through and individually down-voted every single post that disparaged his beloved Hannah Montana.

        I’m glad he did. I clicked on his name and read his past posts. Hilarious. I’m a huge fan of people with no self-awareness or self-control.

      • Juano

        No, he’s not acting like he’s 85. He’s acting like a mature, thoughtful person should be acting. Unfortunately, morons like you and Miley Cyrus think this sort of crap is “edgy” and “mature.” It’s not. Its soft core porn and nothing more than that.

      • Deacon Jones

        I’m with you JimJam!

        Music is a fucking disgrace nowadays. And dont let me hear any of you hipster fucks pipe up about The Lumineers!

      • JC

        Deacon, let me offer you a slightly different take: I’m 40, and I’m finding more good music now than ever, in no small part to the webernets. I think there’s this tendency to think “back in the good old days, we had good music…,” but what you have to remember is that, for the most part, pop music has always been crap. It’s easy to forget that because most of the garbage just disappears, leaving only the better music (or at least the most popular, which isn’t always the same thing) in anyone’s memories. It looks different today, but it’s only cosmetic. Except for some happy accidents, the music industry has always pushed crap that caters to the lowest common denominator, and it always will. That’s where the money is. For every Beatles, Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, or whatever your favorite old band is, there were three more that were basically Miley Cyrus. But like the modern day Miley, it was disposable junk that no one thinks about now.

      • I’ve been looking, JC.

        The only band that’s really “wow’d” me in the past ten years has been the White Stripes.

        Im still trying to find the equivalent of today’s Zeppelin, RHCP, Alice in Chains, and The Pixies.

        I understand that “back in the day” they had some really cheesy shit too, but at least the bands I mentioned above were *known* by a majority of people, simply because they rocked. To have to search iTunes for hours with fingers crossed hoping I can find the next great thing still doesnt speak well to today’s talent. The cream rises to the top, with or without marketing dollars for the most part.

      • Jimbo

        Black Light Burns, Puscifer and How to Destroy Angels are all decent Alt rock bands if that’s what you’re looking for. If you into heavier stuff, Machine Head is the current crowning king of Heavy Metal (listen to the Blackening if you don’t believe me.) Most of the Industrial Rock bands from the 90′s are still Cranking out some good albums like Rammstein, Nine Inch Nails and Tool (well, theoretically Tool, their last album was 2007)

      • Rasputin's Evil Twin

        Now you’re coming to understand why Grigori and I never spend a full day sober anymore.

      • Rasputin’s comment should seriously be considered for Comment of the Year.

      • Rasputin's Evil Twin

        Thank you, Deacon! It’s an honor. I’ll tell Grigori once he comes to again.

        Right after Miley’s performance/ outburst he went off to bed with two gallons of vodka, muttering, “Madonna’s been undermining civilization for 30 years, and this idiot hillbilly bitch gets the credit for bringing it down. It’s not fair.”

      • Brilliantly put, my brother. Thank you for so eloquently stating that which I felt but could not put into words. Yep, “Fuck you, Miley Cyrus. Fuck you right in your stupid hillbilly ass.” sums it up to a tee.

      • It loses some of its power when she is doing all she can to invite just that from Alan Thicke’s son, but the sentiment is seconded, thirded, whatever.

      • Emma watson's Vagina

        the pop culture changes every 10 years or so. so basically if you are 15 or so. by the time you are 25 it becomes completely different. and in 15-20 years even more different then sometimes you feel the world is coming to an end or at least as you know it.

        reality shows have been popping gain for years. probably since you were in high school or college/college age years. I think the only difference from then and now is that it is more evident now that it takes money to get fame besides who you blow( or who you let pee on you in the case of the Kardashians).
        as far as the media catering to 14-22 year old females. this has been going on FOR YEARS! as far as I know that demographic has been catered to since at least mid 80′s.
        As far as Miley getting more attention for over sexualizing herself in the last 1-2 years. a that might be true. but it is nothing new. Kylie Minogue is one of the best examples. although Kylie did not really start until she was in her mid to late 20′s. . Then you of course you got Christina Aguilera . although she was kinda sweet and cute.

        then of course you got child actresses like Alyssa Milano which received more notice with her soft core porn films than her childhood roles except for maybe he tv show Charmed. Christina Applegate is another one. although with CA she was more raunchy before 18. more recently you have Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens

        as far as it getting worse. you have to take the way back machine to the mid to late 70′s with this band called The Runaways here they sung songs about hot wild young girls(15-25). I would say the sexual explicitness of the media gets more daring every 5-10 years as vase in point the wardrobe malfunction of ” Janet Jackson”. actually you do see some celebs which faked blow jobs but minor ones and blinked you would miss it. so what miley did here will be considered prude stuff in 5-10 years.

      • I didn’t mean to imply that any of it was new necessarily, just far more pervasive. As you stated, it started out in small corners of the popular culture world, but now it is the complete mainstream. Specifically with television, a scripted series seems like the exception to the rule these days. And people being famous for being famous, and the accompanying industry that sprung up around it, barely existed, if at all, prior to a decade or so ago. People scripting their lives and passing it off as reality did not exist really prior to this era.

        Certainly, sex sells is not a new concept. But the way and why it is employed now definitely is. Was there anything like a “stolen” or “leaked” sex tape before the past decade? It is a common marketing practice now. And now that you can watch your celebrity of choice have sex on demand, where do you go from here? Culturally we are becoming desensitized to stimulus of any kind at an alarming rate.

        I went out of my way to say that I wasn’t trying to wax nostalgic about the good old days. To my parents, my good old days weren’t the good old days. More than that I was just trying to express what it feels like to have culture pass you by, and some examples of that from my perspective. To no longer be the target demographic and have your interests catered to. Then I was just trying to be funny because I realized I had gone on for 1200 words and needed to wrap it up.

      • Sigh…the scandalous pop star of my pre/early teens was Madonna (I’m 41); my mom thought she was all kinds of trashy with her “Like a Virgin” song and nude photos ending up in Playboy.

      • adm.fookbar

        This might be the most insightful thing ever written in these post threads.

      • See Fish? This is how you write an intelligent, articulate and well-structured post. Hire this guy to be your editor once and for all, so you can stop writing long-winded and punctuation starved posts that are painful to read. You sound like you took grammar lessons from Miley Cyrus herself.
        The only reason I keep coming to this site is for the comments, and by God I was not disappointed today.

      • I wish I could like this a thousand times.

    • EDWARD ELIZABETH HITLER

      You see, Madison Avenue has found their holy grail, and that holy grail is teenage girls. They are so stupid they will buy anything and latch on to ANY fucking thing. It’s nice that people are finally waking the fuck up and realizing that all “culture,” music and movies have been utterly god damned hijacked in every way to pander to teenaged fucking girls.

      Thanks to the vapid minds of teenaged girl morons, music has been reduced to karaoke through a robot voice box by untalented cunts like Taylor “I’m still in high school” Swift, who’s only talent is, you guessed it, talking about and making awful music about her ex-boyfriends JUST LIKE A TEENAGED GIRL.

      Look at all the recent movies…they’re all from shitty “young adult” books that were specifically written for dumb teenage girls, STARRING young actresses that are meant to be teenage girls (what the cunt is a “katniss?).

      All television (thank you very fucking MUCH Disney) has been hijacked to portray boys as stupid buffoons while the girls are always “in charge” and shrill. Give me Al Fucking Bundy or Archie fucking Bunker back any god damned day. Hell at this point I’d take Alan “perm” Alda.

      Where has all the testosterone gone? Is it all the BPA and synthetic fem-hormones in our food and water? Or just good old fashioned social engineering?

      • It’s social engineering. It’s not cool to be a boy. All boys are stupid and responsible for all the ills that face us a a society. The only solution is women. Women can do everything men can do in high heels! The President himself said so.

        When was the last time you ever saw a man beat a woman at anything on TV? Even something as trivial as video games. The girl ALWAYS wins. In every commercial, the man is the stupid one and the women rolls her eyes and fixes whatever mess the dumb man just made.

        KFC makes chicken so good that it causes the woman who eats it to slap the nearest man clean across the face. I wonder if they make chicken that has the same effect on men towards the nearest woman? And what would be the public reaction to such chicken? They would crucify KFC, yet no one bats an eye when the violence is a woman doing it to a man. this kind of thing went past the point of comedy a long time ago. Now it’s just a sad mirror up to society.

        Yes. Most of the media is fucking disgusting and only caters to the lowest common denominator.

      • Gladys the Groovy Mule

        “Look at all the recent movies” – every successful movie this summer was based off of a comic book. The one movie targeted towards girls, The Mortal Instruments or some shit, has bombed.

        Celebrity culture is geared towards teenage girls. If you spent less time on this website (which is all about teenage girls from the perspective of grown men) you’d see the world isn’t going to hell. Chill the fuck out.

      • Gladys the Groovy Mule

        I’m sorry, but I STILL can’t get over “Look at all the recent movies” I’M FUCKING LOOKING: Iron Man 3, Star Trek, World War Z, This Is The End, The World’s End, Man of Steel, The Purge, Pacific Rim, The Conjuring, The Wolverine, Elysium, and even Kick Ass 2 – SHALL I GO ON?

        Stop following a subculture geared towards teenage girls and maybe you wouldn’t be so pissed off. Stop reading articles about Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. Just fucking stop it. Shut your stupid MRA mouth and be a man.

  6. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Commented on this photo:

    Yep, super-hot. Be still, my raging phallus.

  7. Eric

    I know a girl who has plenty of pictures of herself on Facebook with her tongue out. I asked her why she always sticks her tongue out in pictures. She says to distract everyone from her ugly face. I think that’s what we have going on here.

    Miley Cyrus is not sexy, my god. That VMA video is awful.

  8. She will not rest until every man, woman and child in America has seen her taint.

    • A simple picture of her spread eagle on a bed will do the trick. She can even go the Farrah Abraham route. Why subject us to this “music”?

      • I’m not sure she even does music anymore. She just seems to show up places half naked and gets high. Like a more successful Amanda Bynes. She is more stripper than singer these days. I don’t understand the allure. She looks like a 10 year old boy.

  9. The standard utterly confused face on Jaden Smith actually makes sense in this picture. Bill Goldberg, however, is clearly disgusted and has to look away.

  10. dave

    She is absolutely disgusting and talent-free. There’s a difference between a sexual performance and gyrating around like a gangly, attention-seeking whore. Miley needs to learn that distinction. I bet daddy’s so proud.

    And keep your tongue in your mouth. You’re not Gene Simmons.

  11. Robb7

    Can’t dance, sing or twerk a damn with a face like a muskrat. She better put that tongue to good use!

  12. BreakyHearted

    The tongue hanging out makes me think she may have had a stroke and all that gyrating is the damage it has done to her nervous system. Or it could just be brain damage. Or both.

  13. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    jepu
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s fantastic

  14. It's Always Sunny in Atlanta

    She has the ass of an 80 year old man

  15. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Hail Satan….for he comes in many guises.

  16. It’s moments like these I’m reminded how happy I am to be 36 and not give a shit about any of this anymore.

  17. DerkahDerkahDerkah

    Suddenly, Farrah Abraham seems more credible.

  18. Billy Ray says: “Three thumbs up, oh wait that’s not a thumb”

  19. I think I’ve figured it out: Miley now looks like a transexual Lost Boy.

  20. Ted

    Before she collapsed into an anti-depressant, blubbery mess, Britney Spears 2000 performance at the VMA still stands as the best example of having a tight body, and having the ability to dance her ass off. Miley may be slender, but the kind of dancing she is going for does her no favors. Nothing remotely sexy about it.

  21. Cock Dr

    Damn….that Thicke video.
    So many perky tits bouncing around. It almost distracted me from how lame the song really is.

  22. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Batu Khan
    Commented on this photo:

    My God! Just realized why she’s doing the tongue thing. It’s not to be sexy. It’s her signature gesture like a ‘peace’ sign. And did anyone notice how she shed that Mickey Mouse dress. Like shedding her Disney image. Subtle…

  23. mismy

    I feel like I’m watching Elaine from Seinfeld dance around & try to be sexy.

  24. alex

    I think Robin Thicke is an extremely talented artist.

    –said nobody ever

  25. …this is all Madonna’s fault.
    …somebody call Doc Brown, get the DeLorean…I’ll handle this.

  26. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    dave
    Commented on this photo:

    Why is her tongue grey?

  27. what about the goats?
    i was waiting for the part with the thing with the goats.

    • Rasputin's Evil Twin

      The goats were sacrificed before the show. Trust me on this.

      Just saw the video again. It’s official: Western Civiilization is over. It’s time to pray for a meteor strike, to put us out of our misery.

  28. Sheppy

    Still finding it difficult to masturbate to her.

  29. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Commented on this photo:

    Miley is pretty hot. I begrudgingly admit that. I would never watch this shit myself, if I could remove MTV, VH1 and BET from my cable package I would, but my family was watching the VMAs in the other room last night and I could hear Miley’s performance.

    It was awful. She can’t sing. What she does is talk with melody. So singing damn sure isn’t her talent. I’m guessing that tongue thing is it.

    • Cock Dr

      Twerking. Her talent is twerking.
      Unfortunately she needs a much meatier ass for the full twerking “seismic waves within the buttocks” effect to come into play.

  30. Robin Thicke? Paula would disagree.

  31. Frank Burns

    Those are not The Smiths that I want to see at the VMAs.

  32. Is it weird that every one of these gif’s has the score from “Omen” playing in my head? Also, has there ever been a kid more deserving of a penalty kick to the cunt?

  33. Ick. I’ve had my groceries rung up sexier.

  34. The only thing I found truly fucked up about her performance was how she booped her ass over in front of Robin Thicke..after she felt up his dick..right in front of his wife Paula Patton…who was in the audience..

  35. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    anonymous
    Commented on this photo:

    Somewhere out there Billy Ray just shot his television in jealousy. That’s Daddy’s special move.

  36. This gif of Miley at the VMAs cracked me up way more than it had any right to. I think it captured her dead eyes particularly well.

    http://i.imgur.com/GyiFtjJ.gif

  37. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    some black dude
    Commented on this photo:

    that little hiney looks like one sweet lunch. wow. say what you will about her but she is sexy as hell. and apparently she said beetlejuice 3 times

  38. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    meh
    Commented on this photo:

    I think that she’s gross. Having said this, I want her to sit on my face.

    • Helena Handbasket

      Seeing her rub her anal glands (and prolly leaving shit smears) all over everything actually makes her less hot to me. I wouldn’t want that anywhere hear my face.

  39. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    sdf
    Commented on this photo:

    Being a 100% straight man, I have to say that this dude’s ass is actually better than miley’s.

  40. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Commented on this photo:

    It was pretty clever how Miley was hidden until she popped out on stage from nicki minaj’s ass.

  41. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Commented on this photo:

    Miley probably should have checked out some of her dance moves in a mirror before deciding on the vinyl booty shorts. With her biscuit dough level muscle tone, those shorts are going all play-doh fun factory on her ass.

  42. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh she´s SO so EDGY! She thought she´d be a good substitute for Emily Ratajkowski, seriously?? Has she even seen the original unrated video??

    She´s squished herself into a pair of latex hot shorts that are 3 sizes too small, so her doughy ass and back ooze out all over the place, she´s wearing stupid little pigtails in her *short* hair that look rediculous and a she´s also sporting a pair of frankenstein shoes..then to complete the look of utter sluttiness and ultra cheapness, she is groping his penis and her tounge is flapping about like the freakin feelers on a snail….
    She forgot to gag on the mike, I´m literaly surprised she didnt slip it into her esophagus just to show us all that she can deepthroat.

    Um…yes, we get the message Miley.You are no longer Hannah montana, you arent racist, you arent homophobic, you´re super liberal and edgy and you LOVE sex.Yes, we get it.Can you please die now??
    Changing the subject..I sure hope he got a shot afterwards.

  43. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Commented on this photo:

    Billy Ray has popped a nut to this one at least 20 times by now.

  44. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    cc
    Commented on this photo:

    If she did that to me I’d spend the next 24 hours packing my dick in ice.

  45. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Commented on this photo:

    Thats the same look she does when she is at the family reunions.

  46. Juano

    Pathetic attempt to keep herself relevant, in the absence of any real talent to either sing, dance or act. Best advice to her is to ensure that the money she made from Disney is in a trust fund, allowing her enough each month to get some sticky icky to smoke.

  47. WTF did I watch last night? She needs an intervention.

  48. The most interesting aspect of all this to me is knowing twenty years ago, when Madonna writhing around in a wedding dress was largely the equivalent of MC’s pedo parade in terms of response, uproar, etc, those doing the complaining did so in neatly worded, cleanly phrased expressions entirely free of profanity. They could be read in church. Our generation, however, is perfectly willing to express our disgust along the lines of, “Someone needs to drag that nasty fucking little whore offstage before an entire generation is convinced donkey shows are appropriate at birthday parties for 11 year old girls.”

    This matters. If WE are horrified, if we feel the need to note a line has been crossed, that line is probably way back in the rearview mirror, in reality.

  49. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Commented on this photo:

    Check out the white kid to the left of her right butt cheek.

  50. Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
    Commented on this photo:

    derp.

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