Miley Cyrus’ Twerking Is Still Destroying The Very Fabric Of Our Reality

September 9th, 2013 // 58 Comments
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It’s been two weeks since Miley Cyrus twerked all over the VMAs, yet people still haven’t been able to get over the sight of seeing a white girl from the south assimilate black culture into a stage performance which has never happened before in the history of time. It’s like spotting a real, live unicorn and then watching it have buttsex with Robin Thicke. Since then, the fallout has been never-ending, although the worst of it seems to be over now. At any rate, here’s everything twerk-related that’s happened in the past 72 hours because I’m not writing separate posts about each and every one of these. I won’t do it.

- Anna Wintour kicked Miley off the cover of the December issue of Vogue specifically because of her VMAs performance which now puts Miley in the same category as that chick Ray J peed on and then Kanye put a baby in. God, what’s her name? Mustache, giant ass, I know this… [Daily Mail]

- Some jackass from the Washington Post claimed that Miley Cyrus twerking somehow traveled through time and caused Steubenville to happen, or something basically as stupid, so naturally he was immediately debunked by some rapper I’ve never heard of because it really didn’t take much. [Jezebel]

- Liam Hemsworth wants straight the fuck out now but is concerned with making a “clean break” because those are possible when ending a relationship with an attention-starved 20-year-old who blew a foam finger on live television. “I shall react to this rationally and within the bounds of logic,” I can hear her saying. [Us Weekly]

And, finally, young women everywhere are almost killing themselves trying to make their boyfriends videos like this instead of naked ones:

In fairness, I’d probably still masturbate to this because it looks like it’ll be a while until those burns heal. When life gives you lemon…

Photos: AKM-GSI


  1. That was hot.

  2. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    Oh, it’s that picture I heard about, where Miley dresses like a wannabee gangster and sticks her tongue out thinking it looks good.

  3. zelda

    What is with that tongue hanging out?

  4. ABout 90% of you tube videos I’ve watched have had me wishing it ends with fire. Finally, I am rewarded.

  5. So, I guess “tongue hanging out” is her thing now?

    Well, she’s still got more style than Bieber.

  6. No matter what I do, I cannot convince my wiener that this pumpkin-headed retard with her tongue hanging out is hot. And I’ve tried everything. She just looks ridiculous.

    • Skip

      Robo; you need to look at her only below her neck, in that light she really is pretty hot.

      I remember watching a porno a few years ago where the actresses all had hot bodies, but had butter faces. Before the hero (Dave Hardman?) would bang them, he would put a paper bag on their head making them look like ‘the unknown comic’.
      Not sure why that’s relivent, just thought I’d share that anyway.

  7. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    Her tongue would make for a great target.

  8. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
    Commented on this photo:

    One of the more tragic consequences of inbreeding is the birth of offspring with no sweat glands. They’re left to use improvised strategies to regulate their body temperature as best they can.

  9. Cock Dr

    When Gwen Stefani did her hair up like that she looked cute and quirky. Is that what this girl sees when she looks in the mirror? Is there any way to clue her in on how awful, weird and downright lizardy her current style and mannerisms make her appear?
    OK then pumpkinhead, carry on making a fool of yerself.

    • oh i know

      I thought she was trying to channel Gwen, also, and how DARE she?? I adore Gwen and this little hillbilly is nowhere near her category!! so sick of seeing her stick that tongue out….

  10. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    Her music is beyond shitty but “They’re real and they’re spectacular!”

  11. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    She looks like Scooby Doo on meth.

  12. ruckus

    The girl who twerked out of the frying pan should sue Miley. I want this just to hear Gloria Albright’s press conference.

  13. dunkydoo

    someone cut that fucking tongue off already. what a trademark!

  14. I’m pretty sure if you asked a black person, they wouldn’t think this girl’s pretend stripper act is “assimilating black culture.”

    • kimmykimkim

      Pretty sure that’s incorrect.

      • Especially since “I want urban, I want something that just feels Black.” is a direct quote of the sort of vibe she wanted for “We Can’t Stop”.

      • And because Miley Cyrus believes a thing to be true, or better yet appropriate, it is?

        Do you really think Bill Cosby or Neil deGrasse Tyson are shaking their heads at this co-opting of “their” culture, thinking, “My God, it’s Elvis all over again. This is worse than when the British went and put Hobbits in the Blues.”

        Acting like a stripper, and a bad one at that, is not stealing from black culture. Saying it is drags black culture down to the level of Miley Cyrus. Do you really want to do that?

      • kimmykimkim

        I’m pretty sure that both of those men have more important things going on. Besides, what Miley was doing on the VMA’s was not from their generation let alone their tax bracket. Just look up any 90′s rap video. Just look at video stills from the music video for this song and you’ll see it. Look at the faces of the black women in the VMA audience during this performance. They were pissed! But, acting like a stripper? Really? Have you ever been to a strip club? Have you ever been to a black strip club?

      • Sorry, but your redefining twerking as a “pretend stripper act” to make your argument for you is more than a little disingenuous. Club dancing is usually a pretty sinuous and sensual collection of moves – so would you also broadly and dismissively categorize all forms of dirty dancing and hip hop as a “stripper act”? If so, reconsider becoming a dance critic.

        Twerking evolved from the Harlem Shake, which was a dance move that, when it first appeared, made anyone performing it look like they were having a seizure – which is not generally a desired thing when you’re wrapped around a pole stripping for tips.

        As Kimmy mentioned, take a look at the black folks in the audience while Cyrus is performing (badly) – there’s not a helluva lot of enthusiasm gong on there.

      • Well, the Smith family photo was probably the most famous example of black people’s reactions, and I don’t think it had anything to do with cultural approbation, it had to do with a perfectly justified sense of horror at the sight of a young girl whoring herself beyond Madonna’s wildest dreams on prime time TV. Again: this sense of the black members of the audience being angry about something of “theirs” being stolen away before their eyes seems a little much. I’m sure you can find one or two who felt that way, but overall I believe it was the same sense of disgust felt by everyone watching — that my god, has it really come to this?

        As for being disingenuous, in about 2004 or 2005 I was present (I was not driving that night, which is always how I find myself in circumstances leading to stories I probably shouldn’t tell), where a stripper actually did what Miley tries to do. It was and remains one of the damndest things I have seen a human body do — my comment at the time was that if there had been an Oreo between her asscheeks, the thing would have been ground to powder, unable to fall to earth until she was done. I was with the…let’s say single least naive person I have ever known; imagine a combination of the Dos Equis “Stay Thirsty” guy mixed evenly with Tony Montana. His eyes were like dinner plates.

        So yeah — I have some idea of what I speak, not that I am remotely proud of the fact. It will always be a stripper move to me, but still would seem like one even if I had never seen it performed by a fourteenth level twerking black belt.

  15. I didn’t even really give this girl’s performance much thought at all…but then I thought about the whole thing from top to bottom and it was a pretty gross cultural appropriation.

    Yeah, I know this isn’t the forum, so I’ll see myself out.

  16. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    Why are her fingertips a different color than the rest of her fingers?

  17. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
    Commented on this photo:

    I used to be a vapid follower of pop music, lulled into believing the false importance of acts like Hannah Montana, the Cheetah Girls, and Selena Gomez. But then…then one day…Miley…she…she…stuck her tongue out, and suddenly I realized how meaningless it all is, y’all. It just, just doesn’t matter. Thank you, Miley, for taking a stand, you brave brave revolutionary. We can’t stop, we won’t stop until we’re all freeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It’s not a tongue; it’s a symbol.

  18. FlanlManell

    The weirdest thing about this is that I doubt Miley Cyrus would realize her performance wouldn’t have been a big deal if she was either a better dancer or more attractive. If it had been a hot chick I doubt it would have been a big deal, it’s a problem cuz she’s got an unfortunate face and dances like a little kid trying to get attention. Oh right…

  19. kimmykimkim

    Not gonna lie – I watched this video this weekend and laughed so hard I farted. Sorry/you’re welcome.

  20. No talent who thinks she’s being iconic. Ain’t nobody going to remember this chick in a year.

  21. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    she is not doing anything any one else would do trying for the ” Gold ring ” She has a great body , not really that pretty though She should spend some money on acting lessons , ” Miley ,call me ” I can help in this area

  22. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    God damn that fucking body. My brain hates Miley Cryus. My penis can’t get enough of her.

    • I kind of get what you’re saying. I wanna fuck her and then kick her in the chin so hard that it severs her tongue.

      Ya know, but fuck her first so she doesn’t get blood on my dong and stuff…

      I’m tired, I think I need to go lie down.

  23. Pat C.

    The “Star Trek reacts to Miley Cyrus” video on youtube is funny.

  24. I tire of seeing her candida-infected testicle washer.

  25. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    A vag is shaped like this and I lick it like this.

  26. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
    your mom
    Commented on this photo:

    You know, I could almost tolerate this shit storm if she would just stop sticking out her tongue.

  27. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
    your mom
    Commented on this photo:

    Anyone else miss Amanda Bynes?

  28. EnglishTeacherAnni

    Miss Miley-

    Trying too hard is not sexy.


    Women Who Have Actually Grown Up

  29. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    I want to twist her head around like a bottlecap until she stops making noise

  30. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    She looks like Bill the cat.

  31. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    So, now she’s a chav. What will the next look be? ‘Round and ’round she goes. Where she stops only Homey (the clown) knows.

  32. grumble

    If something this idiotic is “destroying the very fabric of our reality”, than we’ve got some very serious reorganizing of priorities to do…hell, it might just be easier to just nuke it all and start again with people who have an effing clue.

  33. Braless Miley Cyrus Tongue Hanging Out Of Mouth
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    So, when does she get the boob job?

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