Miley Cyrus Sleeps With A Picture Of Woody Allen Now

Miley Cyrus stars in Woody Allen’s new Amazon series, Crisis In Six Scenes, so that means during press Miley Cyrus is going to gush about what a great guy Woody Allen is again, because we live in an amazing time where a pansexual nipple fairy who used to work for Disney and once made diaper porn is the voice of a generation. On top of fawning all over Woody, she’s also totally over it when it comes to Hollywood, while of course still living in, and working in Hollywood. Welcome to your morning rage.

On where all of this horseshit comes from, so remember that up front:

“I had a clothing line at Walmart and got kicked out, because they said you had to choose weed or Walmart,” Cyrus says. “And you see what I did — I chose weed.”

On how boring it was making all those millions that now allow her to mouth shart dumb every time she’s interviewed:

“I know that acting is boring,” she says. “People get paid way too much for what they are doing.”

On how being from a Southern religious family prepared her for being pansexual, because that makes perfect sense:

My whole life, I didn’t understand my own gender and my own sexuality. I always hated the word “bisexual,” because that’s even putting me in a box. I don’t ever think about someone being a boy or someone being a girl. Also, my nipple pasties and shit never felt sexualized to me. My eyes started opening in the fifth or sixth grade. My first relationship in my life was with a chick. I grew up in a very religious Southern family. The universe has always given me the power to know I’ll be OK. Even at that time, when my parents didn’t understand, I just felt that one day they are going to understand.

On the categorically fake anecdote meant to soften the blow for when she says what “a really great dad” he is in a minute:

I am. I had moved, and the only thing that I brought into my new house was a picture of Woody Allen. My first night I slept in my new house, [my manager] called and said, “Woody wants you to fly to New York.” I loved working with Woody. You do like two takes. He just wants to go home and have dinner with his wife. One night it was 5:30, and the camera operator wanted to do another take. He goes, “I can’t dedicate my entire life to making movies.”

The “really great dad” part:

I live a similar life to Woody — I live a public life. Until I know someone and I know their story, I never really judge anyone. That’s kind of how I went into it. From the way I saw him with his family, I never saw him be anything but an incredible person and a really great dad. People might slam me for saying that. I’m sure it was a hard time for that family. My family has been through hard things, and I think everyone’s suffering is different.

And hey, maybe Woody Allen is a great dad to the kids who haven’t accused him of molestation, or the other kid who keeps trashing him in the press for being a molester. Who’s to say? Oh, that’s right, Billy Ray Cyrus’ gender fluid offspring who’s constantly high and loves that Allen seems to be as lazy as she is. We should probably listen to her sage advice, in fact, why not let her judge his molestation case that never got close to a trial, because of high-powered lawyers, and an intense smear campaign in the media? “All rise. The honorable judge Miley Cyrus presiding. Your honor, today’s case i— goddamnit, you rolled joints with the pages of the docket again, didn’t you?”

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Photo: Getty