Miley Cyrus Might Be TIME’s Person Of The Year

December 2nd, 2013 // 32 Comments
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Seen here destroying Christmas with her doodle-penis for Love magazine (Tell Sarah Palin to have her gun and chopper ready.), Miley Cyrus apparently could be named TIME‘s Person of the Year because humanity can’t be trusted with the Internet anymore, so shut it off. Everybody shut it off. We’re going back to faxes. Entertainment Weekly reports:

In the poll, Miley is way ahead of NSA leaker Edward Snowden (9.4 percent), firmly beating Russian President Vladimir Putin (4.4 percent) and utterly taking a wrecking ball to Pope Francis (1.1 percent). As for our own President Obama (0.8 percent), he might want to avoid looking at this poll altogether — or try dry-humping teddy bears while half naked on an awards show to improve his ranking.

Of course, some might say that people like me are to blame for this perpetual dumbing down of society. To which I say… *grabs bag of money, runs out door*


  1. Dox

    Dammit Fish!
    I told you she was like a Kandarian Demon. The more you say her name, the more powerful she gets. I hope the 12.50 in cash, and the free Snack Box from Jack in the Box was worth the destruction of our entire society.

    Van Helsing, you are not.

  2. JungleRed

    She’s the person of the year that America deserves.

  3. Mohawk Disco

    When it comes to Miley Cyrus best is to paraphrase Roger Ebert’s quote to express my sentiment: I watched it in mounting gloom, realizing I was witnessing something historic, a performer that for decades to come will be the punch line of jokes about bad performers.

  4. I wonder why she keeps that tongue out so much is it because she inhaled Terry Richrdson’s back hair?

    • JC

      Inbreeding often causes genetic defects. In Miley’s case, her tragic lack of sweat glands means that her hanging tongue is the only way she can regulate her body temperature.

  5. Is it really that big a deal? It’s not like Time Magazine named Hitler man of the year.

  6. Visible Ink

    Flashing people sending my love doesn’t mean anything. – thought Miley. After all, daddy did always say love is feeling other people.

  7. Beltliner

    This is why we can’t have nice things.

  8. Eejut

    Hello Time Magazine? I would like to cancel my subscription.

  9. JC

    Everybody wondered when mainstream print media would finally die off. It’s about to happen in 3…2…1…

    • Dox

      As unfashionable as it is to recognize those with wealth…

      Warren Buffet donates billions of dollars to charity, including 38 billion to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which incidentally funds research, education, etc. Which is about two of a list of individuals that have donated serious money for the advancement of mankind.

      But a tongue wagging, stuffed bear humping spoiled teenager on drugs is the person of the year.

      Yeah… way to reach for the stars humanity.

  10. I always figured the End Times wouldn’t be so long and drawn out, that there’d be more immediacy to it. Oh well, I guess the universe is having another good chuckle at our expense again.

  11. cmac

    She won’t be. From the poll: “As always, TIME’s editors will choose the Person of the Year, but that doesn’t mean readers shouldn’t have their say.” TIME, as per usual, is going to choose whomever they please.

  12. She’s much more worthy of this honor:

    (I’m back from tablet-version hell)

  13. I do believe Charles Dickens said it best… “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…”

    Fuckin’ ay.

  14. I have no idea why I like Miley so much. She’s sexy, yeah, but so are a lot of other women. I think it’s because I hated Hannah Montana so much. So fucking phony.

    As crazy as what we’re seeing is now, it’s probably much closer to her real personality as we’re going to get.

  15. Person of the Year for exploiting another race and its culture, yay. She is a piece go shit and I guarantee you that she is not as wild and crazy like she pretends to be, she is just an actress, and this shit is just an act to sell shit to her moron fans, and it worked. At the end of the day, she takes all this bullshit off, gets back into her designer clothes, into her Benz or Bentley, goes to Starbucks, some $400 a head restaurant and then back to her mansion and laughs at everyone.

  16. When will they finally declare her to be legally retarded?

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