Miley Cyrus Will F*ck Anything But Dane Cook

Having declared herself genderqueer or pansexual — I honestly don’t know if those are the same thing, but they sound like gay super heroes to me — Miley Cyrus has basically said “If it’s breathing, I’ll fuck it. Breathing part negotiable.” So, it’s a real nut kick to an already sufficiently-kicked ball bag like Dane Cook when she’s like, “Your dick? No thanks. Ooh, is that an orange thing?” *humps parking cone* Via E! Online:

When asked about the reports flying around of his alleged hookups with singer Miley Cyrus, the comedian advised E! News to get her gussied up for a date tonight.
“I’m always the last to know these things,” the actor remarked. “Just let Miley know that I’ll pick her up for dinner at 8.”

That sounds a lot like Dane Cook would fuck Miley Cyrus if given the chance, which goes a long way in explaining this:

I watched the video @justinbieber. From what I understand you apparently hired John Leguizamo to wear an Eyes Wide Shut mask and kidnap your own girlfriend for what looked like 150,000 dollars in a fat wad. You didn't want her to be "hurt" but she seemed more hurt you were sitting on the edge of the bed singing to us and not cuddling her after you guys had some intense Calvin Klein dry humping but not full on sex. You took your shirt off like you were trying to prevent it from staying right side in. You opened a door and forced this terrified young model to jump to her death to avoid more masked backup dancers. She really looked like she was ready to die with you but still part of her was like "I have so much life to live maybe I should stop and try to reason with the bandits." Nope. She had no time because you kissed her thoughts out of her head and she jumped. After that you guys ended up in a skate park where you sat alone in a corner watching skaters skate around you. You also danced alone for a minute which I understood. Sometimes you just gotta dance. Finally you two ran off happy. I don't know if she knows how much you spent on that date but she should really respect you more. I guess what I learned is this… Real love is about forcing people off a ledge and dancing after that but you have to touch your own hair a lot in order to find self love first while paying robbers to steal your pretty girlfriend. I think? Wait. I guess I'm more confused. @justinbieber #WHATDIDYOUMEAN ?

A photo posted by Dane Cook (@danecook) on

I don’t know how much clearer “Mister, I’m a boy, look, we have the same parts, I swear it!” could have been, but Justin should probably start wearing a rape whistle just in case.

Say no to shirts and pants!!!! Say yes to face masxxx & bruises!!!!

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

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