Mila Kunis Doesn’t Want Ashton Kutcher To See Her ‘Shredded Vagina’

June 13th, 2014 // 23 Comments
Previously In Mila
Mila Kunis Pregnant
She Looks Great With Breasts. Who Knew? Read More »

Most pregnant celebrities opt for a C-section because, based on my limited knowledge of the female anatomy, squeezing a baby through your butthole probably hurts like hell and sounds way too much like work. However, Mila Kunis wants everyone to know she’s not one of those celebrities and is doing this shit the natural way right down to never letting Ashton Kutcher see the aftermath. Although apparently she thinks the baby comes out of her vagina because women are adorable when it comes to science. Haha! The vagina. Could you imagine? Marie Claire reports:

On giving birth: “Two people are allowed in my delivery room. My doctor and my significant other. And he is staying above the action. He’ll be head to head. Not head to vag. Unless he wants to risk his life and see. But I wouldn’t if I were him. I highly doubt he wants to see that being ripped apart and shredded. Because it will be shredded. It’s just a matter of how badly.”

I like how Mila Kunis wants to make sure it’s crystal fucking clear what Ashton Kutcher’s done to her body. Like she’s trying to send us a message. Maybe even a cry for help. Or a pulled pork sandwich. *rereads* Nope, it’s the sandwich. You can tell by the way she says shredded twice. She wants cole slaw on it.

Photos: Fame/Flynet

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  1. >implying she won’t have a scheduled C-section in the most posh hospital room available.

    • If she doesn’t opt for the posh room she’d be the first in the ent-biz to do it. And speaking from my own experience when my wife gave birth, the word “shredded” is inappropriate. I think “active volcano” is closer to the reality of the process. And yeah, it’s worth staying up late for.

  2. Mila Kunis Pregnant Tired Ashton Kutcher
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Ashton ruins everything that allows his penis access.

  3. Mmm. Pork. I haven’t had pork in a week.

  4. Mila Kunis Pregnant Tired Ashton Kutcher
    Smapdi
    Commented on this photo:

    Sorry Mila, there’s not enough hand sanitizer in the world to get those Kutcher scabies off.

  5. My wife had a third degree….

  6. dick nose

    Just one more thing that Kutcher has ruined

  7. Mila Kunis Pregnant Tired Ashton Kutcher
    Commented on this photo:

    Warning! She’s showing that crazy preggo hormone ticking timebomb face.

  8. Pregnancy had made her super bitchy. Not that I blame her. I’m of the Dr. House school of logic of “It’s a parasite.”

    Which is why I’m never popping one out. I’d end up going on a mass killing spree.

  9. Ugh, I’m never having children. What she said, pregnancy seems awful and I hate those germ laden little demons. So you go through vagina destroying hell and then there’s a shrieking baby and later a bratty toddler to take sleep and me time away. Fuck no.

    Thanks for doing it, Mom!

  10. Deacon Jones

    “…but it’s all worth it in the end. Plus, your husband finds you more attractive afterwards”

    Said no one ever

  11. Kids are a kick in the butt. I love my kids madly. (Of course they’re all grown up now). I kind of feel like if I hadn’t helped produce the three of them my life would have gone for naught.

  12. More like “impossibly bloated and stretched out of any non-Lovecraftian shape and size”, but she’s got it down pretty close. As a father of two, I can attest to the experience being the most horrimazing thing you ever see. The fact that my wife got me to ever look at her in a sexual way again not once but twice only adds to her proven awesomeness.
    (And then, while you’re thinking it’s all over and wondering why that muhfugga’s still hunching between her legs, he goes and pulls out the friggin’ placenta)

  13. “He’ll be head to head. Not head to vag. Unless he wants to risk his life and see. I highly doubt he wants to see that being ripped apart and shredded. Because it will be shredded. It’s just a matter of how badly.” Yes, yes, I think that’s how Audrey Hepburn put it when she was pregnant.

  14. These are the consequences of allowing Ashton to put his unprotected penis in her kunis.

  15. If Ashton sees her popping out a kid from her Vag. Does that still stop him from going down on her after the birth?

  16. I think Mila is way underestimating the power of the, er, force?
    I’m sure she can fire that kid out like a cannon.
    Just make sure the opposing wall is padded.

  17. Mila Kunis Pregnant Tired Ashton Kutcher
    Dick Hell
    Commented on this photo:

    Mila should probably rethink that head to head delivery plan. A better option would be delivering that baby in the dark.

  18. Mila Kunis Pregnant Tired Ashton Kutcher
    Commented on this photo:

    She is a bit jowly for someone her age. I predict lots of plastic surgery in her future.

  19. Mila Kunis Pregnant Tired Ashton Kutcher
    tom
    Commented on this photo:

    Bulldog face

  20. EDWARD ELIZABETH HITLER

    Then switch to anal. Simple, really.

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