Mila Kunis Begged Macaulay Culkin To Go To Rehab While On A Boat With Ashton Kutcher

August 16th, 2012 // 11 Comments
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Macualay Culkin Skinny
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Considering Macaulay Culkin looks like this and Mila Kunis dumped him immediately after regaining her sight, it’s really not that big of a leap to assume he’s spending every waking hour eating pounds of heroin. So here’s The National Enquirer with the most unlikely, although if true, entirely reckless, report about Mila trying to get Macaulay into rehab in-between bang sessions with Ashton Kutcher on a boat:

“Ashton convinced Mila to call Mac during their getaway in Bali,” a source close to the “Ted” hottie told The ENQUIRER.
“So Mila had an assistant track him down on the phone. When she final­ly heard Mac’s voice, she burst into tears.”
The “Black Swan” beauty, 29, “poured out her heart” to Culkin, 32, over her wor­ries about him, said the insider.
“Then Mila begged Mac to seek treatment at rehab,” the insider continued.

So basically the Enquirer is accusing Mila Kunis of trying to kill Macaulay Culkin by making him OD because I don’t know how the hell else you interpret calling your ex and telling him to stop doing drugs while you’re taking a break from having Ashton Kutcher’s penis inside of you instead of his. I want to kill myself and I’m not even involved with this situation.

On the outside… *looks forlornly out the window*

Photos: Fame/Flynet


  1. Frank Burns

    “Listen, Macaulay, I’m making a tragically stupid mistake by letting douchenozzle Ashton Kutcher touch me, and you don’t see me turning to heroin to get through it! So, get some help, or you’ll be ‘home alone’ using heroin for the rest of you life! . . . Yes, I did say ‘home alone’ . . . sorry about that.”

  2. Beaver Underground

    I’m sure the call really went like this:
    - Mila, I’m bored. Call Culkin and ask him go to rehab. Oh, tell him it was my idea just to screw with him!
    - Ok, but if he doesn’t I can fuck you any way I want while you call Demi.
    Ring, Ring.
    - Culkin, you wanna go to rehab? NO? OK…. Start dialing, Bitch!

  3. Mike

    Contact the King of Nigeria. I suspect you’ll be great friends.

  4. Inmate 12236969

    Hey spamer eat shit and die.

  5. USDA Prime McBeef

    Standing in the way of Culkin’s inevitable, untimely, and hilarious drug-fueled demise is very selfish for both Kutcher and Kunis and shows that they have little respect for commenters on The Superficial.

  6. El Jefe

    The world’s shittiest taste in men.

  7. Schmidtler

    ok, she’s doinking Ashton Kutcher, and Culkin is the one with problems?
    Anybody seen ‘Saved’? Culkin was f’ing brilliant in that – Kunis will never come close to that kind of acting performance ever, never, and her well is poisoned now that she’s banged Kutcher, so she’s done. See ya, Mila, send in the next hot young actress wannabe on your way out.
    Lastly, you’re on a boat. At sea. The boat has a big heavy anchor with a nice sturdy rope tied to it. Kutcher is on the boat. And the only thing you can think to do is call Macauley Culkin and annoy him with screechy crap about rehab? Hello! Anchor + Rope + Kutcher + Ocean = hero to all of humanity!

  8. So nice of her to call her ex-boyfriend while Ashton’s poking her in the backdoor. Is there a rehab that deals with shitty taste in men?

  9. Archie Leach

    It’s not a good thing when an emaciated heroin addled Culkin is STILL the better choice than a scumbag asston doucher.

  10. Sandusky

    Sweet jesus shitty taste in guys just ruins my boner for chicks like her.

    And that Enquirer prose is hilarious. “a source close to the “Ted” hottie told The ENQUIRER.” … “The “Black Swan” beauty, 29,”

  11. Burt

    Right, because a phone call an ex-girlfriend is exactly what will make a drug addict not use.

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