While being interviewed in Vegas yesterday, Mila Kunis denied dating Ashton Kutcher despite these photos of just the two of them on a three-day weekend trip to Carpinteria, Ca. where she waved her awesome ass in yoga pants right in front of him because friends do that. Extra reports:
“It’s absurd!” said Mila. “A friend is a friend.”
Listen, Mila Kunis, I’m going to be straight with you. There’s nothing I want more in this life than to believe Ashton Kutcher’s penis has never once entered your vagina. I would perform unspeakable acts to make that a reality. Unspeakable acts. Unfortunately, here are the facts:
1. I’m looking directly at you and Ashton Kutcher escaping to a quiet little California town for three days together where your ass looks awesome.
2. You admitted to being blind the entire time you were having sex with Macaulay Culkin and I’m sure it’s taken a while for that shock to wear off. Which leads me to…
3. As much as I hate Ashton Kutcher, he’s in remarkable shape and not at all built like Macaulay Culkin who’s appearance you finally saw then promptly dumped because apparently your sense of touch is shithouse and lacked the skills to go, “No, wait, ABORT!”
All that said, most people think of you as
the chick who ate Natalie Portman’s vagina probably one of the most awesome, down to earth actresses in Hollywood, so the easy way to clear this up is to admit you spent an entire weekend waving your just, god, so awesome, ass in front of Ashton Kutcher’s face while going, “You’ll never get this, you’ll never get this.” Which, yes, sounds a tad Bieber-ish, and might not be what the Internet wants, but it’s what the Internet needs right now. Be our Dark Knight, Mila. Our awesome, awesome ass Dark Knight.
Photos: Keola Media/Dean/Bryan/NPG.com