Mila Kunis And Ashton Kutcher Are Engaged. Goddammit.

Posted by Photo Boy

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher haven’t publicly confirmed that they’re engaged, but yesterday she was wearing a huge rock and all the “reputable” outlets, like E! Online are reporting it, so yep, I guess this is happening. Our conquering alien overlords would later find this ancient text buried in the rubble of a massive mansion with its own amusement park:

And so it came to pass that The Douche Lord would enchant The Half-Blind Princess with promises of endless tech start-up money and the desire to bareback town whoresfolk and evil woods witches fully behind him. The realm would be cast into a dark four to seven years as per the duration of the typical Hollywood marriage until The Mad Blond Jester and his band of Pizza Knights would ride to reclaim his queen and assert himself as rightful king by dosing the village well with hallucinogens powerful enough for them to ignore how clearly insane he’d become as a result of his lost years enslaved at the hands of The Black And White Minstrel.

Photo: EVGA/AKM-GSI, Splash News