Mila Kunis And Ashton Kutcher Are Engaged. Goddammit.

February 28th, 2014 // 30 Comments

Posted by Photo Boy

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher haven’t publicly confirmed that they’re engaged, but yesterday she was wearing a huge rock and all the “reputable” outlets, like E! Online are reporting it, so yep, I guess this is happening. Our conquering alien overlords would later find this ancient text buried in the rubble of a massive mansion with its own amusement park:

And so it came to pass that The Douche Lord would enchant The Half-Blind Princess with promises of endless tech start-up money and the desire to bareback town whoresfolk and evil woods witches fully behind him. The realm would be cast into a dark four to seven years as per the duration of the typical Hollywood marriage until The Mad Blond Jester and his band of Pizza Knights would ride to reclaim his queen and assert himself as rightful king by dosing the village well with hallucinogens powerful enough for them to ignore how clearly insane he’d become as a result of his lost years enslaved at the hands of The Black And White Minstrel.

Photo: EVGA/AKM-GSI, Splash News


  1. Ruckus

    Mrs. Mila Kunis Kutcher. hehehehehe

  2. Coco T-Rex

    Note to self: Look for a college curriculum that will teach you how to become a douchebag. Graduate with flying colors. Then maybe, just maybe, you can land a girl like Mila Kunis.

  3. Cock Dr

    Good luck with that. I fear that Ashton will be bored and start cruising for blondes sooner rather than later.

  4. Oh BABY

    Yes, Kutcher is definitely the Douche Lord. But is she the one half blind, or is he? Without her make up slathered on, she’s a dog. Kunis is living proof what mountains of cosmetics and liberal Photoshop can achieve for a gal.

  5. Mila Kunis Engagement Ring
    Commented on this photo:

    Before marrying girl, look at her mom, cause that’s where your bride will be when she’s her age.

    But then again, Ashton’s not likely to hang on when she hits that age.

  6. Mila Kunis Engagement Ring
    Commented on this photo:

    she is not that pretty and she is not fit. Meaning: OVERRATED!

    • Agreed. Not exactly sure why she is considered such an “It” girl. She’s not ugly, but she ain’t hot either. Maybe she was prettty back in the late 90s, early Aughts. But those days are long gone. And her whiny, bitchy voice she was always screeching with during That 70′s Show didn’t endear me either. Ok, all the Mila Fanboys can down-vote me now.

      • If you thought her voice was “whiny, bitchy” why did you watch the program? Masochist much?

      • really vito? just because 1 element of the show was annoying doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop watching an entire show. As a kid, I hated cousin Oliver, but I still loved the Brady Bunch. And besides, I could always turn the volume off and still LOOK at Mila when she was still cute.

  7. Mila Kunis Engagement Ring
    Commented on this photo:

    Mom: “Remember when he banged that random skank bareback while he was married? Oh yeah, I’m sure he’ll never do that to you.” (eye roll)
    Mila: (tries to catch vomit with hand)

  8. Why the surprise? When you fuck a women enough there comes a time said women will want to take it further, subtle hints or tour de force pressure. The grey wolf, and Dicaprio understand the due past date and move on.

  9. Strangely enough, I think this marriage may last a long time. They’ve known each other for half of their lives. I don’t think it’ll be a ’till death sort of thing, but I think it’ll last.

    I also too 12 hits of good hippie acid an hour ago.

  10. never understood the chatter about her. she is overrated. manner others out there who have her beat decisively.

  11. Cheer up! There are other dumpy, overrated chubby fish in the sea!

  12. Beer for thought

    Jackie and Kelso together forever…..Barf. Whateves, maybe it will last, they have known each other a long time.

  13. Rich. Talented. Good looking. Banged Demi Moore and Mila Kunis and God knows who else. Fuck you Ashton Kutcher.

  14. Jennyfurr

    Marrying her right as her eastern European chick DNA hits its expiration date is a bad move. She’ll look 50 before the end of the year.

  15. And now we know what is causing the polar vortex.

  16. Bettin Man

    I got $20 on them separating two years after she drops the first baby

  17. anonym

    I bet less than 2 years too.
    I’ll put $50 on it.

  18. I never thought she was uber-hot but to those that are considering drinking the rat poison because of this news, this should cheer you up…

  19. Let’s try this again…

  20. There’s a waste of a potentially great piece of ass.

  21. You kidding? Engagement = marriage = beginning of the end.

    This is Hollywood.

  22. As if I needed any more proof that women like assholes. I hope he doesn’t fuck her over like he did Demi.

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