Meet Mike Frey. He’s a “concerned Minnesotan father and husband” who apparently just now learned how gay sex works, and what he discovered not only frightened him, but triggered every synapse in his brain that makes sure he has no fucking clue what he’s talking about. You see, Minnesota is getting ready to pass a bill that would legalize gay marriage, and now that Mike knows how they found a way to sex each other, he set out to put a stop to it because if gays can’t get married then they can’t have sex. Simple as that. I should also point out that Mike’s knowledge surprisingly only includes gay men and not lesbians, although that’s not to say he didn’t stumble upon a description of cunnilingus and wrote it off because “How in the world would that feel good to my penis?” Mediaite reports:
Frey asked that the Minnesota House not pass a bill legalizing gay marriage because “people who marry do have sex, and when same-sex people are married, they do have sex — there’s something called sodomy.”
He then explained to the legislators that sodomy involves “ejaculation inside of a colon,” which, unlike ejaculation inside a vagina, does not lead to a pregnancy nor does the sperm have a barrier of entry to the blood flow… often leading to AIDS. And so, he said, gay marriage = the spread of AIDS to “society at large.”
At the end of his testimony, Frey concluded that gay marriage will provide a “health risk to society at large,” and place “financial burden on the people of Minnesota” to support the gays and their spreading [of] diseases.
I should also point out that Mike apparently found out about butt sex right around the same time he watched Outbreak because here’s what he literally thinks will happen if gay are allowed to get married and finally have sex for the first time. God, they’re just waiting for it:
Minnesotans… and eventually Americans… will experience “a rash, almost like a boils and a very raw skin, that broke out on the hands, feet, butt, mouth.”
When asked how he would stop such an epidemic, Mike explained that he originally thought maybe we could just ask these guys not to put sperm in each others’ butts, but then he did some more research, and discovered that would be like “asking a bear not to eat honey” due to homosexual men’s “crazy tight” athletic physiques. “There’s also a lot of shaving of the genital region which I don’t feel comfortable discussing outside of a classified meeting with the Joints Chief of Staff.” Mike added. “But trust me, they’ll want to hear this.”