Michael Jackson suffers cardiac arrest

June 25th, 2009 // 108 Comments

TMZ reports Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital this afternoon after suffering cardiac arrest. Paramedics performed CPR in the ambulance, and his mother is en route.

So let’s say, hypothetically speaking, my first and audible reaction was “Man, I hope it’s not a children’s hospital.” Does that make me a bad person?

UPDATE: His brothers are on their way to UCLA, and Michael’s dad says he is “not doing well.” I see regret in my future.

Photos: WENN

  1. Natalie

    I love this site…but this should be deleted

  2. jayla

    anyone wanna take a bet that he’ll be “alive” like elvis and tupac within the next two days?

    he probably did take the last moonwalk to the sky, but he may be on life support until his family arrives-that’s why foxy news no report yet….

  3. aikenhead


    for those of you with tickets, dont worry, his concerts are just ‘delayed’..

    (I sense a zombie/thriller theme blossoming..)

  4. U suck

    Dude, how the hell is that your first response? You really are a terrible person. And stop trying to be funny, the only reason people come her is to see whatever hot celebrity in a bikini or upskirt or topless.

  5. fuck you superficial writer

    Yo Superficial Writer,
    usually I think you’re funny and I come to your site a lot to see hot chicks, but seriously dude, fuck you.

    Really, fuck you. How the fuck can you can crack on MJ when he is about to die? There is a time to be funny and that was not it.

  6. .

    You see regret in your future? You only just realized that you are an insesitive dick? Maybe you should think of all the eating disorders you are fuelling tonight to lull yourself to sleep.

  7. Zippy the Wonder Slug

    Superficial Writer,

    Some people just have no sense of humor! I thought the same thing. Keep up the good work.

    To those of you who are upset about the joke: Get over it. The guy/gal was a pedophile. It goes with out saying that the MJ jokes will fly fast and furious now.

    Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s latest record?
    A: “Feel the World.”

    Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s latest song?
    A: “Don’t let your son go down on me.”

    Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is in Switzerland undergoing cosmetic surgery on his pecker.
    Then the description the California Justice Dept got from the little boy won’t fit anymore.
    Another rumor has it that he’s finally going all the way and changing gender entirely.

    Michael Jackson first wanted to look like Diana Ross, then a white person, now he wants to be A ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIEST.

    Q: What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite nursery rhyme?
    A: Little Boy Blew.

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Little Boy Blue.
    Little Boy Blue who?
    Michael Jackson.

    Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
    A: “The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!”

    Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
    A: “I’ll be there!”

    If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That’s why it is 14 minutes long.

    Q: What is Michael Jackson’s favorite gospel song?
    A: “And then he touched me”

    I just bought a new car stereo… When you shout out “Soul”, it plays soul music. When you shout out “Rock”, it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted “fucking kids!”, and it played Michael Jackson.

    Michael Jackson’s found a way to stymie that L.A. search warrant:
    He’s invited Lorena Bobbitt over.

    Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
    A: Several children have fingered him.

    Q: How will MJ pay off his old boyfriends?
    A: Liquefy some assets.

    Q: Why doesn’t Micheal have orgasms?
    A: The big payoff comes a couple of months later.

    Q: Why does Michael like children so much?
    A: He knows how they feel.

    Q: How did Michael get in trouble?
    A: He was feeling a little Randy.

    Q: How is Michael dealing with his problems?
    A: He’s holding his own.

    Q: How are Michael’s friends dealing with the problem?
    A: They’re all standing behind him.

    Q: What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
    A: Anal retention.

    Q: How is Michael now?
    A: Feeling a little crotchety.

    Q: Why does Micheal Jackson like to lose foot races to little boys?
    A: He likes to come in a little behind.

    Q: What was the big break in the Micheal Jackson molestation case?
    A: A doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found
    … a white glove.

    Q: What is the most difficult thing to get out of little boys underwear?
    A: Michael Jackson’s makeup!

    Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?
    A: To stop him from going OW! OW! OW!

    Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
    A: Pizza and Nintendo.

    Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
    A: He thought it was a delivery service.

    Q: Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
    A: Boys ‘R Us.

    Q: What does Michael call an orgy?
    A: A fruit salad.

    Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
    A: It’s the little boy inside him.

    Q: Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
    A: Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.

    Q: What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
    A: Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.

    Q: Who was the unmanned recon airplane the Predator named for?
    A: Michael Jackson.

    Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
    A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

    Q: What’s “black-white” and purple?
    A: Michael Jackson’s dick after a slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds.

    Q: How do you know when it’s bedtime at the Jackson residence?
    A: When the big hand touches the little hand…

    Q: What is Michael Jackson’s favorite game to play at night?
    A: Hide the pickle in the pajamas.

    Q: What child’s game does Michael NOT allow to be played at his Neverland ranch?
    A: Got your nose! Put it back!

    Q: What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
    A: They both like a little crack now and then.

    Q: Why did Michael Jackson Check into the Betty Ford clinic?
    A: To get over his 11 year crack habit.

    Q: Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
    A: He’s a crack addict.

    Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
    A: You know, I feel like a new boy!

    Q: Why doesn’t Michael sleep with boys anymore?
    A: He’s tired of all the cracks.

    Q: What’s the first problem the Michael’s child will have in life?
    A: Figuring out which parent is his mother.

    Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex?
    A: It’s all very tongue in cheek.

    Q: What’s sex like for Michael?
    A: Child’s Play.

    Q: What’s the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
    A: Well, one’s an artificial piece of trash that can harm little children,
    and the other is used to hold groceries.

    Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?
    A: A fridge doesn’t toot after you take your meat out of it!

    Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a microwave?
    A: A microwave won’t brown your meat!

    Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
    A: Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re about fifteen.

    Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
    A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

    Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost?
    A: One is completely white and has a scary face. The other is a supernatural being.

    Q: What’s the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
    A: Michael’s been able to have kids.

    Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon?
    A: One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.

    Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
    A: Michael Jackson.

    Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
    A: So his guests won’t be accompanied by guardians!

    Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson’s New Book?
    A: It’s called “The In’s and Out’s of Child Rearing”.

    Q: What’s Michael’s favorite Canadian TV show?
    A: The Kids in the Hall.

    Q: What will they call Michael’s new TV series?
    A: Anus and Andy.

  8. Bob

    Disgraceful thing to say. When the day comes, your obituary is not going to look good. Shame.

  9. gotmilk?

    you last few posters need to simmer the fuck down. the guy fucking molested children. he should be a registered sex offender, at least!

    dead or not, i thought it was hilarious. some of you people seem to forget that the real Michael Jackson died a looooooooong time ago.

  10. .

    @57 I don’t even like MJ, but please take the Superficial Writer’s 3 inch cock out of your mouth and stop typing.

  11. chemo boy

    I actually find it funnier now that he’s dead.

  12. Zippy the Wonder Slug

    Just think, in a couple of months, we can dig MJ up and he can perform “Thriller” for real.

  13. clarkehead

    Anyone who found Superfish insensitive here needs a fucking reality check. He breaks balls here on a daily basis – that’s his job. In light or serious times, at least he’s consistent.

    All of a sudden, you fucktards have a conscience? Give me a break. Go fuck yourselves.

  14. lettusaurus


  15. spelunking

    @63 but I consistantly rip on the superficial writer BECAUSE hes consistantly a cock.

  16. GG1000

    The fact that he died doesn’t mean he wasn’t a child molester – don’t feel regret! People get all sanctimonious when someone dies and try to ignore anything bad.

  17. Ray

    Why did MJ keep grabbing his crotch? To check if it was still there.

  18. Ray

    Why did MJ keep grabbing his crotch? To check if it was still there.

  19. Ray

    Why did MJ keep grabbing his crotch? To check if it was still there.

  20. Gerald_Tarrant

    I think the Childrens Hospital crack is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on this or any other gossip site. I haven’t laughed that loud in a long time. Bravo.

  21. james

    dude yall are fucked up with all these joke soo fuck yall who are making fun of him

  22. james

    dude yall are fucked up with all these joke soo fuck yall who are making fun of him rip

  23. your all faggots

    your all fags acting big on the internet with. keep these comments toyourself


  24. Modwild

    Good for you. I’m glad you kept this post up, bad thought and all. Me? I told my ex that no one other than Farrah could die today that I would consider such a huge loss. Then Michael died. I mean, really? Two icons dying in a day? What are the fucking odds???

  25. Truth

    Not even a millionth of the amount of people that are mourning Michael Jackson are gonna mourn you. If you liked him or not, it doesn’t matter. People all over the world cried today when they heard the news. His music will be played decades from now. You, well, you will die, 10-20 people(if your lucky) will give a rat’s ass. The rest of the world won’t even know you existed.

    R.I.P. To the King of Pop; Michael Jackson

    On a side note.. MJ passes while Lil’ Wayne and Ja Rule and Lil’ John are still alive and kicking. This world kinda sucks a lot right now.

    To the Superficial writer, You’re just doing your job. It’s why we come on this site.

  26. ingress

    Gonna be starting something
    gonna be starting something
    my heart again yeah yeah
    my heart again yeah yeah

    you’ve been hit by
    you’ve been struck by
    a failed ventricle

  27. Juno87

    I commend you for not taking your joke down under the pressure. Others, like Perez Hilton, had a joke and took it down after receiving complaints. We come to this site for your sense of humor not serious insight. Whether dead or alive it’s still a joke, still funny, and something the majority of people were probably wanting to say.

    You did the right thing by keeping the joke and adding an apology.

    Somehow I like this site even more.

  28. David


    couldn’t have said it better myself

  29. Iambananas

    NOT A CHILDRESN HOSPITAL! HA HA HA HA HA HA!! OMG you’ve redeemed youself, fish. I love you again.

  30. Superbiggerevil

    Get well soon Michael!





  32. captain america



  34. sacia edwards

    Okay, so it’s always sad when any father dies suddenly I truely feel for his kids and family . However, I don’t believe that ANY pedophile deserves to live..especially the luxary life he lived. Just b/c he could sing,dance, grab his crotch and sold millions of albums, doesn’t make him a hero of any sort. THE BASTARD WAS A F-ING PEDOPHILE, for goodness sakes…..I don’t care if he was the president of the United States, he was still a pedophile and didn’t even DESERVE to live after messing up childrens lives!!

  35. brett nowlin

    Anyone who makes comments like no#29 should be shot.
    Say that crap to my face and i will kick your ass…………Keep hiding behind your computer you fucken fag…………You’re the loser dick………….Get a life fuck face!
    Please respond so i can kick your stupid ass……..DICK

  36. Erin

    KEEP THE POST! It’s funny. He’s dead. So big whoop; everyone dies, doesn’t make you not be a paedophile douchebag; just makes you a dead paedophile douchebag.



  38. miss tito if you're nasty

    All of us are saying he was a child molester? Um…he was acquitted on both counts. What fucking parent in their fucking right mind would ever let their child sleep over at a grown man’s house? Ever think maybe the parents DID extort MJ? I’m not saying the situation was weird. But I also think that we are wrongfully saying “molester” when we really don’t know. We weren’t there.

    if he did it, then I hope he fries in hell
    if he didn’t, then we are all guilty of witch hunting

  39. Bob

    The children are now safer

  40. dan

    I hope they don’t take him to a children’s cemetery.

  41. Bob Rainey

    I think the Children’s Hospital joke was funny.

    Then, that pedophile died, which was fine with me. I have 3 young sons, and I tell them that every time a bell rings, God drags another pedophile to the depths of hell (it gives us all a warm feeling when bells ring).

    Rest in Hell Michael Jackson.

  42. steve

    What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

    One is made out of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with.

    The other one is used for carrying groceries home

  43. SHAE

    Get real people if MJ really molested all those kids don’t you think some court would have convicted him by now??? To my knowledge all of the cases were setteled with cold hard cash. I’m sorry I don’t care who you are THERE IS NO AMOUNT OF MONEY ON THIS EARTH THAT I WOULD TAKE FOR YOU F—ING
    WITH MY KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD FIGHT UNTIL YOU WERE IN JAIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if you really believed that he did these things WHY WOULD YOU SEND YOUR KIDS TO THIS MAN’S HOUSE IDIOTS!!!!!!!! because even if I don’t think he was a child molester, I do believe that MJ was not all there. So just stop with the child porn jokes. RIP MJ :(

  44. herbiefrog

    someone tweeted… “To my knowledge all of the cases were setteled with cold hard cash. I’m sorry I don’t care who you are THERE IS NO AMOUNT OF MONEY ON THIS EARTH THAT I WOULD TAKE FOR YOU F—ING WITH MY KID!!”

    setteled with cold hard cash…

    [get a grip people]

    you have to remember that…

    they were “americans”…

    they do anything for the *dollar*

    [[[oh... someone stop him before he exposes us all ?]]]

  45. La Kellie

    Farah Fawcet died and went to heaving. When she arrived, God gave her one wish. She wished that all the children in the world would be safe. So god killed Michael Jackson.

  46. sebastianudo

    el chiste era bueno (humor negro que le dicen) pero bueno sabiendo que estaba a punto de morir y que Michael era un idolo creo que se paso de la raya
    pero quizas lo digo porque Michael era un idolo mio si fuera sobre otra persona no se que hubiera pensado.en todo caso estan bien las disculpas que el escritor hace en el otro post


  47. qwerty

    100 comments yaaay

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