Michael Jackson paid ex-wife to shut up

According to new court documents, Michael Jackson agreed to pay his ex-wife Debbie Rowe $900,000 per year in hush money after they split, as well as a mansion in Beverly Hills and a lump sum of at least $4 million as part of a divorce settlement.

The legal documents have been made public as part of a new custody battle as Rowe fights for the couple’s kids Michael Jr and Paris. Obtained by entertainment news website Tmz.com, the documents feature court transcripts from a hearing last June, in which Jackson’s lawyer, Thomas Hall, told Judge Stephen Lachs, “Mr. Jackson was under an agreement with Petitioner (Rowe), which he was to pay her four or five million dollars up front, gave her a mansion in Beverly Hills, and then was to pay $900,000-a-year, for a number of years, if she abided by agreement terms.” Jackson reportedly stopped paying Rowe her annual stipend after claiming she violated their confidentiality agreement by publicly speaking about him. Also in the court file, Rowe is quoted as stating, “I have just been advised by Michael’s ‘inner circle’ that he is abusing drugs and I was even given the name of the physician that is prescribing all of Michael’s medications, which I fear is dangerous not only to Michael but also to the children.”

I guess if I was doing terribly disturbing things in a make-believe world I created for little children I’d probably want to pay off my ex-wife to stay quiet as well. Except instead of paying out $900,000 a year I’d just lump some of that together and hire a ninja to cut off her arms, legs, and tongue. And you’re probably thinking, “Why not just kill her?” Because a dead corpse isn’t nearly as funny as a quadriplegic mute. Trust me, I know about these things.