Michael Jackson dies at 50

June 25th, 2009 // 535 Comments

Making the “Rule of Three” obscenely poignant, Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, has just died of cardiac arrest, according to TMZ. He was 50 years old and is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince “Blanket” Michael Jackson II.

My apologies to his family for my previous joke, and a lifelong thanks to Michael for bringing us Thriller, and my personal favorite, Moonwalker. (Both the movie and Sega Genesis game.)

Rest in Peace.

UPDATE: The LA Times has confirmed Michael Jackson’s death subsequently crashing their server from the onslaught of traffic. The man’s still a draw, folks.

Photo: Getty

  1. Stuey


    Well dang, thats 2

  2. Wow.
    I’m actually pretty sad.

  3. Max

    Sad. :(

  4. Toot

    I’m so shocked! I was just thinking how he might have risen again!

    (There goes to show you the SW is an asshole.)

  5. speirto

    Oh My….

  6. Ted

    Yes, by all means, let us respectfully mourn a child molester who bought his way around the law.

    He should have been beaten to death years ago.

  7. Van

    What? Holy shit. I’m going to break out my Thriller jacket in memoriam.

  8. popewithnohope


  9. popewithnohope


  10. Alejandro

    RIP MJ. (First?)

  11. Stephanie

    He’s not dead fool.

  12. The Lord

    How annoying… I missed getting first, and that’s the key issue here…

  13. piratekuhnbeard

    RIP Michael Jackson.

    Damn, this is crazy!

  14. Melissa

    well despite what he may have done or not done in the past, you have to admit the man was a musical phenomenon-there will never be another like him. i was a huge fan during Thriller-and will miss him-

  15. spartacus

    he probably gave a little boy a milkshake shot right down his throat 2day. Now he will answer to a higher power and his “I’m totally innocent” baloney will not work.

  16. leanea

    it’s ok, he is with tupac now… in hiding

  17. leanea

    it’s ok, he is with tupac now… in hiding

  18. pyakex

    first celebrity that i felt sad after it died :/

  19. Cardiac arrest means your heart stops… so that happens when you die yes but there is probably a more specific cause of death.

  20. SilvioB


  21. Tabby Horror

    So who is gonna be a zombie Michael Jackson for Halloween THIS year?

  22. Legegg

    What about Carradine? Does he not count? Fuck your rule of 3. Everything is in 3′s at some point in its existence.

  23. clint

    There goes my “Michael Jackson is immortal” theory.

  24. Andrea

    wow, RIP
    the two kings finally meet

  25. clint

    There goes my “Michael Jackson is immortal” theory.

  26. fearsarewishres

    Fuck Michael Jackson all the way to Fucksville.

    This fucking coward has been molesting kids with impunity his entire life. I hope he suffered horribly at the end.

    And a big FUCK YOU to all you stupid cunts and your “RIP” and “May God bless him and his family” comments. He’s the worst kind of fucking criminal and you douchebags are not much better.

  27. Eckla

    I don’t even know what to say or think. I am just in shock. I grew up listening to him :(

  28. Legegg

    What about Carradine? Does he not count? Fuck your rule of 3. Everything is in 3′s at some point in its existence.

  29. mossy

    whoa… that was.. random

  30. Jerome

    He faked his own death to evade his creditors.

  31. Yoda

    Well, no “reputable” new source is reporting his death yet, but assuming that it’s true–karma is a fucking bitch. Roast in hell you child molesting piece of shit.

  32. Luy

    I’ve been such a big fan of his music for so many years.. I’ve heard Who Is It twice today.. I cant believe this..

    Its such a shame..

    Thank you for every single song Michael, and my best wishes go out to your friends, family, and most importantly- your children.

  33. Anonymous

    He can’t buy off the Big Man upstairs. He’s going to fry.

  34. Man in the Mirror

    Asking him to change his ways.

    I am glad he is dead. I have no sympathy for child molestors. This bony pile of disgusting filth was the worst “musician” of our era. Then came Madonna and now Lady Gag Me.

    Susan Boyle proves that you can have real talent without props and bullshit.
    Think of all those poor people out there that can sight read classical music and can rip on an instrument and will never be known. Certainly not without what is known now as “schtick”. Which means phony bullfuckingshit.

  35. THis is still not confirmed by CNN. CNN is covering it live. Doesnt look good.
    The Rake

  36. NO!!! I was going to see him 16 july! I’m in tears!


  37. Truly the Wizard of odd…I Wonder if hes going to reopen neverland in heaven?

  38. NO!!! I was going to see him 16 july! I’m in tears!


  39. Lain

    #28 fearsarewishres

    Someone’s a little angry…

    I was never convinced MJ was a child molester…
    I grew up listening to this guy.
    He’s the King of Pop.


  40. Am I supposed to feel bad about this?

    On the grand scheme of things, I think this headline ranks barely above “Unabomber Ted Kacyzinski Found Dead In Cell.”

    I guess I can mourn the loss of another twenty-five years of Michael Jackson jokes…

  41. spoofo

    Another loss of a good musician. So what if he was different, we all liked him a little

  42. blushingmilk

    I’m surprisingly sad.

  43. Jose

    He’s not dead guys, he’s in a coma.

  44. blushingmilk

    I’m surprisingly sad.

  45. Erina

    RIP King of Pop… You will be missed.

  46. Ella

    It’s not legit to me. It’s from TMZ! (one of the WORST sources to use)….

  47. Ren

    Good. I hope you rot in hell you piece of shit pedophile.

    You all are fucking retarded for being “omg so heartbroken” about his death. Seriously? So because he made some good music back in the 80′s, that means everyone can just forget about how he molested children all those years?

    I guess being a celebrity really gets you out of EVERYTHING these days, huh? I thought it was just tickets, stealing, assault, abuse etc… but now molesting children?

  48. Lain

    I hope it’s not true…TMZ has been known to make mistakes…
    What caused the cardiac arrest?

  49. meh!

    doppio cazzo!!!

    we’re doomed!

Leave A Comment