No, Michael Phelps Is Not Going To Beat A Great White Shark In A Race

Discovery Channel lost what little credibility they still had three years ago when they failed to deliver on that guy getting eaten by an anaconda. Now they’re force throating this Shark Week special where Michael Phelps races a great white shark like it’s Floyd vs. Mayweather: Water Edition… it’s not. It’s fucking stupid.

They’re calling it Phelps vs. Shark: Great Gold vs. Great White (The Battle for Ocean Supremacy) because a bunch of old white guys in a board room thought it’d be a gas to the boys at the country club if the SEO involved the words: great, white, and supremacy. Michael Phelps himself has already leaked the absurdly obvious by saying “hell no I didn’t win. Are you guys fucking stupid?” in an interview with Entertainment Weekly:

“I know in a race I have reached a little over 5 miles an hour, and a white can swim up to 25 miles an hour, and their cruising speed is 6 to 6.” [sic]

“It’s hard for me to race something that has the speed that they have, and how fast they can turn on a dime is something that’s truly incredible, especially with the size of these animals. I got in and did my best, and you guys are going to have to see what the outcome is.”

Let me just save you the thirty minutes (oh shit, it might be an hour-long special) and let you down easy… Michael Phelps doesn’t get eaten, doesn’t smoke weed (by himself or with the shark), and doesn’t win this idiotic competition. Tune in next time when World’s Strongest Man Eddie Hall tries to compete with an industrial shipping crane…

Oh neat, I found a hilariously over-dramatic teaser…

Looks pretty stormy on that beach… maybe this is just setting us up for the Phelpsnado sequel where Tara Reid gets bludgeoned to death by gold medals flying at her.