Michael Lohan: ‘I Bribed Dawn Holland, But Only Because She Hit Lindsay.’ Eh?

Michael Lohan has come forward to confess that it he was him, not Lindsay Lohan, who bribed the now-fired Betty Ford employee Dawn Holland in exchange for her silence. Except Michael Lohan is an idiot because he wants you to believe he bribed Dawn Holland into being quiet about how guilty Dawn Holland is. Makes perfect sense. RadarOnline reports: (Jumped for length.)

Lohan told his version of events to RadarOnline.com in an email. Here it is in its entirety: “I am coming forward without regret, to tell the truth about the Da[w]n Holland situation with my daughter. Lindsay.
“From the night of this occurrence, I have been aware of the entire situation. Dawn DID assault Lindsay while demanding a urine (test) and took it to another level when Lindsay demanded the phone. Since then, Dawn has had her attorney meet with me, negotiate with me and even propose a “deal” with me, her lawyer and Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Holly (Chapman) and while I agreed to Dawn Holland’s initial “number”, to procure financial stability due to getting fired, she got greedy and took it to another level.
“Dawn DEMANDED that Lindsay agree to a sit down interview to make ‘amends’ for the sake of the public NOT because Dawn wanted to set the record straight, but because she negotiated a deal to make more money from the interview. When Lindsay said that amends don’t need to be a public thing, and she would NOT do it publicly, Dawn fired her lawyer and hired another one out of vengeance.
“With Dawn Holland’s record for abuse, her assault charges, her credibility and desire for money, I believe that he courts and public will see, that this is a woman, who motives and intentions (sic), to set Lindsay up, so she could have financial gain. If she really was or is in “recovery”, she would seek it in an emotional way, rather than financial.
“If this was any other person, in the same situation, Dawn, nor the authorities would ever pursue it in this fashion.”

For those of you who read absolutely none of that and just stared at Lindsay’s breasts – *salutes* – Michael Lohan expects people to believe he had to pay off a woman who’s guilty of assault from going to the police and getting herself arrested. For assault. Because that happens.

DAWN: I should probably go to the police and admit I hit Lindsay because my life as a former drug addict and minority has instilled a deep love of law enforcement in me.
MICHAEL: Wait, citizen! Please accept this promise of cash that will never be delivered before throwing yourself to the lions and exonerating my daughter who I profess to love so much. (Have you seen my press release?)
DAWN: Oh, thank you, Michael Lohan!
MICHAEL: Just doing my job. And, please, call me Captain Idiot. *flies off*

Photos: Splash News