Michael Lohan Was Drunk, High During Arrest, Also Thought He Was Spider-Man

“Now there’s a vagina I’d like to kick. In the vagina…”

When Michael Lohan was arrested last night, it was reported that he attempted to jump out his hotel window only to land in a tree. Turns out it’s way more hilarious than that, mainly because he was shit-faced drunk and high on who knows what. (Please be meth, please be meth, please be meth…) RadarOnline reports:

“I saw a subject on the second floor hiding behind a pillar,” the police report states. “I yelled the def’s name and told him to come down and talk. This def tried concealing himself a little more but decided to run up a stairwell as we approached him.
“As we went out to the balcony to look around, we saw the def fall from a 3rd floor balcony next to the one we were standing on. The def apparently leaped up from his balcony and grabbed a hold of the roof. He then must have scurried across the roof (about 30 feet) until he thought he was hanging over top of the next balcony. The def then let go but missed this balcony.
“He came crashing down on top of wooden high chairs that were laying on the ground. This fall was 34 feet (measured with laser). The def then hid in some trees directly below where he was apprehended.

You know somewhere Lindsay’s jotting all this down for her next arrest. “Let’s see, climb out window, grab hold of roof, shimmy over to nearest balcony, use drunk vision to gauge distance, miss, crash into patio furniture, hide until wound festers. Ha! Try to put me in jail now, suckers!”

Photos: Splash News