Michael Lohan Was Drunk, High During Arrest, Also Thought He Was Spider-Man

October 27th, 2011 // 42 Comments

“Now there’s a vagina I’d like to kick. In the vagina…”

When Michael Lohan was arrested last night, it was reported that he attempted to jump out his hotel window only to land in a tree. Turns out it’s way more hilarious than that, mainly because he was shit-faced drunk and high on who knows what. (Please be meth, please be meth, please be meth…) RadarOnline reports:

“I saw a subject on the second floor hiding behind a pillar,” the police report states. “I yelled the def’s name and told him to come down and talk. This def tried concealing himself a little more but decided to run up a stairwell as we approached him.
“As we went out to the balcony to look around, we saw the def fall from a 3rd floor balcony next to the one we were standing on. The def apparently leaped up from his balcony and grabbed a hold of the roof. He then must have scurried across the roof (about 30 feet) until he thought he was hanging over top of the next balcony. The def then let go but missed this balcony.
“He came crashing down on top of wooden high chairs that were laying on the ground. This fall was 34 feet (measured with laser). The def then hid in some trees directly below where he was apprehended.

You know somewhere Lindsay’s jotting all this down for her next arrest. “Let’s see, climb out window, grab hold of roof, shimmy over to nearest balcony, use drunk vision to gauge distance, miss, crash into patio furniture, hide until wound festers. Ha! Try to put me in jail now, suckers!”

Photos: Splash News


  1. Deacon Jones

    Holy shit, PLEASE have this on tape, please!

    Can you imagine this, mixed with some Mission Impossible music????

    P.S. – I bet the additional weight from his giant phone there was probably what contributed to the broken ankle.

  2. First y’all.

  3. Cock Dr

    So funny. Please let him go so he can do it again.

  4. Cootchie Kicker

    I wish he’d kick all Svedka Vodka bitch in the snizz.

  5. Dan

    Next on COPS.

  6. Pippy Longcockings

    He’s lucky he wasn’t killed. We, however, are not so lucky.

  7. Schmidtler

    I’d rather see a video of Estella Warren pulling off her insane badass escape from the cops.

  8. Rough's global initiative

    Kate Majors throat needs to be examined. This man does not seem to be crazy.

  9. Steelerchick

    The dysfunction just keeps on coming!! This is better then a reality show because its……. Reality.

  10. Jimbo

    Damn, that is one fucked up family!!

  11. Michael Lohan Drunk Drugs Arrest
    Commented on this photo:

    Cocaine Pants maj

  12. Lucy

    I’m throwin a party tonight. Know why? Cause I’m not as big an idiot as I thought. I didn’t date the biggest loser in America!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

    • JicoLee

      Its about time the American judicial sytesm makes an example out of people who feel they are beyond law due to there financial, political and popularity standing. A regular person who if committed the same offense would see twice as much time then she will. It’s bs that she mocked the sytesm and she gets off with a slap on the wrist. What a joke!!!

  13. cc

    It’s inexcusable that they didn’t take the opportunity to taze him. In the bag.

  14. Venom

    Kudos to the cops for actually trying to allow this idiot to die.

  15. Clarence Beeks

    This is the man speaking for Lindsay’s sobriety, and how SHE needs a year in Rehab.


    I have no pity for Kate Major. She knew who she was getting involved in when she started.

  16. Lindsay can no longer be held fully responsible for her screw-ups. She’s honestly still a kid, imho.

    But, this dude is insane. This family has a serious incorrigibility gene running through their lineage.

    • Clarence Beeks

      BULLSHIT. She is a 25 year old ADULT. MANY people grtow up in abusive families, with junkies for parents and turn out okay. Lindsay is a narcissistic piece of SHIT addict responsible for her own decisions. DON’T make excuses for her.

    • I’m not saying she shouldn’t be held legally accountable for her actions now, because of course she should. But 25, in Hollywood, with her parents, her apparent emotional problems and early drug abuse…it IS young. She’s 17 or 18, emotionally.

      But there is no way that constant ridicule, snark and all the other crap that “normal” people throw her way helps. And yes, I know, people can and will do or say whatever they want.

      Fine, just lock her ass up then. No need to be rude and heartless about it, imo.

      I’m sorry, I just feel bad for this chick. She has NO home training. Of course I feel bad for all the people she might almost kill, but I feel bad for her, too.

      • Clarence Beeks

        I felt bad for her for a while, and seeing her hooking in Europe made me very sad. But the truth is, she has never ever been accountable for her actions. it is ALWAYS someone else’s fault. She has gotten away with countless crimes and probation violations that any one of us would have rotted in jail for, so I have a VERY hard time feeling bad for her now. I WANT her to go to jail, for a YEAR.

        And jail will probably be the only thing that saves her life. (until age 30, at least).

  17. kimmykimkim

    God, I hope someone got this whole thing on their phone. This is too good.

  18. Sodomy_Is_For_Everyone

    Speaking as a someone who once successfully jumped out of a college dormitory window when the police arrived, hanging, dropping, landing on cinder block walls and bouncing off of garbage bins, I can actually, truly, 100% honestly say that he was doing it wrong.
    (Am I wrong to be proud of that?)

  19. karlito

    he wants to go to prison so he can borrow a copy of his daughter’s upcoming Playboy spread from his cellmate. he thinks it might be a little tacky to buy one right off the news stand. please answer me this… the US has more guns than any other “free” country in the world and the highest murder rate and no one has taken a shot at this asshole. come on America, you’re letting us down.

  20. INMATE 12236969

    I’m watching Celb Rehab on Hulu right now and Dr. Drew told both these fucks that were broke up at the time—you can’t get into a new relationship [them] for ONE YEAR!

    He said, “It’s like two anchors in water.” Man two shitheads!

    I guess he was wrong it was one anchor jumping into a tree. You know that bitch was lying to the cops too; hell lock them both up. I’m only on EP3 so IDK If they both left rehab early; so don’t jumb down my ass ok.

  21. Spiderman Lohan


  22. Nattypants

    The entire Lohan family has 12 brain cells among them, and Lindsay has 11 of those.

  23. Lord Invader

    I wish I could say that I am tired of reading about Cuntbuster Lohan, Cuntflasher Lohan, and Cunt Lohan, but this family’s wacky hijinks are a marvelous show indeed.

  24. I agree. Its just that over-the-top.

  25. forrest gump

    even when they’re sober americans lose contact with reality, folks!!

  26. Michael Lohan Drunk Drugs Arrest
    Commented on this photo:

    I think this may well be the funniest thing I’ve read in years! absolutely brilliant visual.

  27. Aw no way! I alluded to him thinking he was Spiderman in the previous post’s comments. Great minds think alike.

  28. Michael Lohan Drunk Drugs Arrest
    Commented on this photo:

    you mean… he’s NOT spiderman?


  29. Nice filthy jeans, there Mikey….
    Do these morons ever wash their clothing?
    I’ll bet he smells like Camel Lights, Polo and BO!

  30. Jinxy

    How Wiley Coyote of him to fall all that way down on to wooden high chairs being washed down, and then be able to scurry up a tree.

    Woman beatin’ sure takes a lot out of a man.

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