Michael Lohan Conveniently Survives Knife Attack

On the eve of Lindsay Lohan’s 35th probation hearing (I lost count.), Michael Lohan was allegedly attacked by a knife-wielding senior citizen who not only called him in advance, but supposedly did it to keep Michael away from Lindsay today. TMZ reports:

Michael claims he was attacked outside his home in Santa Monica, CA. Michael told police … about an hour before the incident, he received a threatening phone call. We’re told shortly after the call, Michael went out for cigarettes — that’s when he says the attack occurred.
Sources tell us … Mike explained to police when he went to open his car door, he was jumped from behind. We’re told the suspect, whom Michael says is in his 50s or 60s, began choking him and had some kind of sharp object which he used to slice Michael’s neck. Michael says the knife penetrated his skin and caused substantial bleeding.
…. As for possible motive, sources close to Michael say he’s telling friends he feels it’s someone who doesn’t want him to show up at Lindsay’s court hearing today.

Awesome. Not only did Michael Lohan’s press hiatus last a scant 24 hours, he’s essentially Tila Tequila now which means it’s only a matter of time until he’s making naked Ustream videos. On that note, I’ll be sitting on Al Gore’s front porch until he tells me how to shut off the Internet. (We had some laughs, didn’t we?)

Photo: Splash News