Michael Lohan Conveniently Survives Knife Attack

October 22nd, 2010 // 25 Comments
Michael Lohan

On the eve of Lindsay Lohan‘s 35th probation hearing (I lost count.), Michael Lohan was allegedly attacked by a knife-wielding senior citizen who not only called him in advance, but supposedly did it to keep Michael away from Lindsay today. TMZ reports:

Michael claims he was attacked outside his home in Santa Monica, CA. Michael told police … about an hour before the incident, he received a threatening phone call. We’re told shortly after the call, Michael went out for cigarettes — that’s when he says the attack occurred.
Sources tell us … Mike explained to police when he went to open his car door, he was jumped from behind. We’re told the suspect, whom Michael says is in his 50s or 60s, began choking him and had some kind of sharp object which he used to slice Michael’s neck. Michael says the knife penetrated his skin and caused substantial bleeding.
…. As for possible motive, sources close to Michael say he’s telling friends he feels it’s someone who doesn’t want him to show up at Lindsay’s court hearing today.

Awesome. Not only did Michael Lohan’s press hiatus last a scant 24 hours, he’s essentially Tila Tequila now which means it’s only a matter of time until he’s making naked Ustream videos. On that note, I’ll be sitting on Al Gore‘s front porch until he tells me how to shut off the Internet. (We had some laughs, didn’t we?)

Photo: Splash News


  1. ZigZagZoey


    So, instead of holding a press conference, he sets this up.
    Unless it was Dina, which wouldn’t surprise me at all!

    • Welp it wasnt 10 hours after you had to bring up the over-under lol..

      Am calling “Mort the Mouth” on this though. As in that neonazi attack…

      But hey two posts in a row he’s lookin sharp. Wonder if it helps with getting laid.

      15 mins til lindsay’s due in court..

      • ZigZagZoey

        Yep ~ We should have taken bets damnit!
        I read yesterday that she could get a year in jail. DAMN!
        That would be awesome…..Unless it translates into 25.5 days….
        I suppose we could take bets on that instead.

      • Well i resisted the temptation of jinxing it by saying lindsay would walk and.. she’s off the scram again and no jail. Rehab til jan 3..

  2. The ONLY HETERO in this Joint

    SECOND ! YOU bunch of %#^#)(#)(#*

  3. gogo


  4. Lisa

    You know, how have we fallen so far as a society that now FAMILY of useless “stars” who can’t act are famous?

    Can we just start ignoring stupid famewhoring people? Please?

  5. So let me guess, he cut his neck shaving and while looking in teh mirror thought “This is my chance to have another press conference and make up a story that I was attacked by a knife wielding madman”

    Yeah, spooky. BTW, anyone trying to kill Michael Lohan please, stab him in the heart with a WOODEN STAKE!!! That’s how to kill his kind.

  6. lolercopter

    Well his idiot girlfriend was just hanging out Tila so I wouldn’t doubt that she gave some tips on how to fake an attack so that no one will believe you. Funny thing about Lohan claiming his attacker is a senior citizen is that basically confirms he was a prison bitch if a guy in a walker gets the upper hand on him.

  7. Tabby

    Kill him and these ugly kids in this ad that also have cuts all over their bodies.

  8. fester

    It sounds like he was allegedly attacked by a guy about his own age. Maybe his girlfriend’s dad?

  9. fester

    Also strange that despite the attack occurring from behind, Michael knows the age of the attacker. Apparently he removed his head from his ass long enough to get a good look at the guy.

  10. Lady Blah Blah

    When ya cut somebody’s throat ya gotta cut deep. Try to cut the jugular on the side of the neck opposite you so you don’t get sprayed. (The punk in the Skins photo on the right looks like John Mayer. And looking at these photos, one can see that the human race is devolving – Devo understood this decades ago – into something akin to a pile of maggots.)

  11. Fish dude, Why do you even waste your time posting this crap? The only picture I want to see of this guy is when a bullet from a high powered rifle is hitting his head and it explodes like a melon….

  12. Rough skills & power tools

    What ever drugs she was taking helped facilitate losing her looks. No one cares, (Maybe they don’t want her to die) That’s about it. The number one comment from lunatics at Bellvue prefix in front of their TV is: LILO WHO?

  13. Emmanuel

    I hope that He will make nude photos Cos he’s really sexy

  14. Is anyone more of a media man-whore than him?

  15. Facebook me

    Maybe he wil go to jail for falsifying a police report? Caue this story just sounds like a big crock of shit to me..

    Who really needs the rehab? He or Lindsay? Cause the liklihood of this story happening is just so far fetched..

  16. Someone give that assailant a do-over.

  17. I think they should charge the assailant for MISSING …

  18. Matthew

    give that man or women a medal douchbag dad should be quiet

  19. Brooklyn11218

    she was in NY…

    1) it’s legal to be topless in NY
    2) 17 is legal age of consent

  20. totally wrong tab.

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