Remember Kennedy? Michael Jordan Tried To Take Her Virginity In A Dice Game

July 2nd, 2013 // 34 Comments
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One of my favorite things in the world is when a pseudo-celebrity finally reaches that inevitable point in life where the only thing they have to offer society is embarrassing stories about actual celebrities. So here’s former MTV VJ Kennedy shilling her new book The Kennedy Chronicles with an anecdote about Michael Jordan trying to win her virginity in a dice game with Russell Simmons. Also, if you actually remember Kennedy being on MTV like I do, I’ll be playing shuffleboard later with a flannel shirt around my waist. Bring tapioca. TMZ reports:

Kennedy — who was a huge MTV VJ back in the ’90s — details the encounter in her new book “The Kennedy Chronicles” … explaining how she was having dinner with MJ and Russell Simmons at the Bowery Bar in NYC, when Michael broke out some dice.
Before long, Kennedy says, Jordan decided it was “time to play for something” … and said, “If I win, you come back to my hotel room with me tonight.”
Kennedy says she freaked out because she was a virgin –and imagined MJ’s giant penis would “eviscerate me from the inside out” … so she asked if they could play for Knicks tickets instead.
And that’s when Jordan allegedly reminded Kennedy he had a wife — and offered her Nets tickets as a consolation.
“Sure, he’ll filet my vag like a sea bass if he won at dice on a men’s room floor,” Kennedy writes … “but as soon as I want basketball tickets he’s a Promise Keeper? Whatevs.”

Michael Jordan constantly cheated on his wife, so right away, I want to believe this story. Except it is missing important details like how many Slavic models Russell Simmons let out of a shipping container to be his date. You’d think something like would stand out, but then again, the fear of being impaled by a giant black penis tends to distract a person, and great, now I’m flashing back to prom. No more reminiscing about the 90s. The 90s are a stupid place.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. cc

    So, flinging the dice away and running…that would ensure a loss, right?

  2. Deacon Jones

    I. always. fucking. hated. her.

    And being back at work after vacation fucking sucks

    • Nobody liked her.

      • Apparently so – the fact that she was still a virgin is surprising to exactly no one.

        The fact that she’s still so witless today that she doesn’t realize just what that said about her is also surprising to exactly no one.

      • …i fucking LOVED her (and still would if she was’nt a goddamned “libertarian”, which is code for conservative-who’s-too-much-of-a-pussy-to-admit-it) …her, janeanne garofalo, lisa loeb …i had a serious thing for indie/glasses wearing/nerd chicks.

  3. Your Mom

    So, if Jordan LOST he’d have to do this chick, right?

  4. Kennedy is fucking annoying. She suffers from chronic verbal diarrhea.

  5. Kennedy
    JC
    Commented on this photo:

    “Nah, gonna have to be a little bigger, girl,” said Jordan.

  6. Kennedy
    Chinto
    Commented on this photo:

    who would you rather do? Middle-aged Kennedy or Grandma Elvira?

  7. So she’s admitting to being a racist in print? Wait, no – she didn’t name-drop Russell Simmons having a giant schlong, just Michael Jordan.

    Obscurity must be hard.

  8. So the two guys had a joke at the expense of the pseudo-celebrity, who wasn’t bright enough to catch on.

  9. Kennedy
    it had to be said
    Commented on this photo:

    Elvira. With the costume on. And she MUST stay in character.

  10. “Eviscerate me from the inside out”—can you eviscerate somebody from the outside in? I’m weak on butchery.

  11. lawn

    I bet she’s still a virgin.

  12. “A huge MTV VJ back in the ’90s.” That’s roughly the equivalent of being famous for a one-hit wonder. Like those guys who sang, “Whoomp! There It Is”—what were their names again?

    #I♥the90s

    • JC

      Tag Team.

      *runs off to hang himself from shower curtain rod for knowing that off the top of his head*

      • Tag Team back again
        Check it to wreck it let’s begin
        Party on party people let me hear some noise
        DC is in the house jump jump rejoice
        There’s a party over here
        a party over there
        Wave your hands in the air
        Shake your deriere
        These three words when you’re gettin’ busy
        Whoomp there it is
        Hit me

      • Songs in my fucking head now….and I LOVE IT!!!!

  13. Kennedy
    Smapdi
    Commented on this photo:

    “Famous men who could have anyone want to sleep with me! No, really!”

  14. j-sin

    I think I’d rather stick my giant black penis into a electrical socket.

  15. pavement_smear

    Given how annoying she is, here’s how it REALLY went down:
    MJ: “If I win, you go back to your hotel room.”

  16. poor dice.
    and to be fair to jordan, outside of playing basketball, he has been a complete loser at everything else.

  17. There’s a reason why she was still a virgin at 21 years old…she looks like a shaved yeti.

    • serimode

      Looks had less to do with it than her being a totally fucking annoying asshat. Hated her on KROQ, hated her on MTV. I think SHE killed that station. They let her talk and everyone tuned out.

      • colt13

        I liked her, thought the prude thing was just a schitck.

        KROQ-So Mr. Bercham(Adam Carolla) and Jimmy Kimmel didn’t kill it first? In my defense, I needed something to listen to driving to work after KNAC ended.

  18. dunkydoo

    who the fuck wants to read a book about this stupid hasbeen? get a fucking life.

  19. She made a good choice. Adam Curry was never the same after Michael Jordan wrecked him.

  20. Who the hell would want to…??? Wait! Maybe in person she’s actually attractive. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

  21. Shaka-shaka-taka wut fool

    Michael Jordan has Jungle fever. Darkskinned blackguys have it real bad. The lighter skin guys could give a crap. What the hell am I getting at? I don’t know..

  22. Kennedy
    Lupe
    Commented on this photo:

    Props, because if someone said “You look like Janeane Garofalo” to this woman, it’d be the one time it could be taken as a complement.

  23. Jenn

    Naming your girl child Kennedy guarantees she’ll become a twit.

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