Michael Jackson’s Family Keeps Kidnapping Each Other Or Something, Who The Hell Knows?

July 24th, 2012 // 30 Comments
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Right off the bat, I blame the lesbian kid. Or whichever Jackson is looking right at his crotch-gina. Either one.

So “something” is happening at Michael Jackson‘s mansion, but what exactly is anybody’s guess. His siblings are getting into fights with each other right outside the house, Katherine Jackson may or may not have been kidnapped and now the executors of Michael’s estate want guardianship of his kids. No one really knows what the deal is, so let’s just assume the family has split itself into two factions with one side saying Michael touched kids and the other side saying he didn’t which doesn’t mean anything to Joe Jackson‘s who’s just walking around hitting everyone with a belt. Think of him as The Hulk. You can’t control him, but you can sort of aim him. “Now, listen here, Tito, Michael definitely touched-” *CRASH* “Goddammit, into the china cabinet? C’mon.”

Photo: Getty


  1. Visible Ink

    How much I do not care about this family!

  2. I can’t put my finger on it, but I’m going with the tallest one, in this oddly but perfectly segregated photo.

  3. Cock Dr

    The daughter is undeniably cute.
    Wondering who the daddy really is.
    Why does it not surprise me to find that barely legal lesbian nestled up close into this deeply weird clan?

  4. what the huh?

    this pic scares me on so many levels. 1) its split into a black and a white side. 2) creepy crotch staring. 3) katherines hand looks like its trying to grab said crotch. 4) the kids dont look even remotely like anybody in the pic. 5) are those the jabba-wokies in the back? 6) the way justin is standing makes me think that the cane beside his leg hit him in the back of the knees.

  5. King Diamond

    Michael Jackson was a trailblazer for the Sandusky’s of the world.

  6. BOOyah!

    u can tell Paris doesn’t want to touch justin bieber

    the son on the left looks like tom cruise

  7. USDA Prime McBeef

    Is there an explanation for the juggalo back there? Yeah, didn’t think so and you’re right, there need not be one. You know what, you’re right, it just makes sense.

  8. Matt Lauer

    Here’s a tip, when skin bleaching exposes your skull there’s a possibility you took it a little too far.

  9. YoMamma

    Jezus Christ – I don’t think a real acid trip could make me see something as mind-fucking as this photo.

    But, where’s the purple elephant with the sequin glove on his snout? Oh, that OJ… always the prankster.

  10. TooCoo

    Not pictured: the Actual Elephant in the room.

  11. luckyglinda

    Blanket would be carded in Arizona.

  12. Papa Joe's belt

    Who the hell cares about this family. They’re all nothing but leaches and trash.

  13. The joaker

    Michael did better whiteface.

  14. Now that’s the beaming smile of someone realizing an overdose kept him from drinking drugged wine out of a Coke can and being raped.

  15. Parker

    Everyone gets that those aren’t really his kids, right? How long do we have to keep pretending, till the will clears probate or till they’re all over 18? And who wants to bet which happens first?

  16. The Geekologie Writer

    Is the kid on the far left not the one who played Anakin in those shitty prequels?

  17. Schmidtler

    Sheesh, a hellfire missile runs about $60,000, and we’ve been wasting them one at a time killing 2 or 3 doofuses wandering the mountains of Afghanistan, when we could have wiped out this whole gang of whackos, including Bieber?

  18. adm.fookbar

    Wait, those are his kids? Really?

    Why does the kid in the red and black shirt look so very, VERY much like corey feldman? why hasn’t anyone else commented on this shit?

  19. adm.fookbar

    Also, juggalo.. why?

  20. Bieber is only smiling because he does not have to wear a Chasity Belt any more.

  21. I never thought Micheal Jackson’s daughter would be so cute.

  22. El Jefe

    How old is Paris because she is kind of hot.

  23. Haleys_ruined_Virginny

    Michaels daughter looks bangable. Grass on the field. Amiright?

  24. Stupid

    Paris-Michael Katherine Jackson was born on April 3, 1998.

  25. terry

    Paris’ mom is Debbie Rowe. Seen Debbie’s waist line lately? Neither has she. Expect Paris to bugle the fuck out in a few years.
    But all bullshit aside, she is entitles to 1/4 of MJ’s 500 million fortune. I hope she gets her brothers away from Tito, Janet and the rest of that fucked up ass Jackson clan. Far away as soon as possible or they will destroy her and her brothers.

  26. You know, I for one am proud of the Jackson family. For years they struggled in the shadow of Michael’s fuckery but now they’ve blossomed into their own and they’re every bit as whacked out as he was. In fact, he might have been holding them back. I mean, think about it : did you ever think you’d long for the days when Michael had custody of the kids? No, right? That’s the level of talent we’re talking about here : these people make Michael look like a good father.

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