Michael Jackson Threatened Maids With ‘Doo-Doo Snowballs’: A Serious Internet Report

While the rest of the world continues to mourn the tragic loss of Robin Williams, it falls on my journalistic shoulders to keep the Internet spinning by chronicling Michael Jackson’s use of weaponized poop. I have a responsibility, dammit! The New York Post reports:

Neverland’s manicured lawns and fairy-tale facade masked a house of horrors and madness, five of Michael Jackson’s maids revealed to The Post.
“Michael sometimes ran around where the animals were, and he’d track . . . poop throughout the house and think nothing of it,” Maid No. 1 recalled. “Then, if you said something, he’d threaten to make doo-doo snowballs and throw it at you.”

However, like myself, Michael Jackson can’t be confined to just one medium and also dabbled in pee-pee. (I’m getting paid to write these words. There’s actual money in my bank account.)

When Oprah Winfrey visited the Los Olivos, California, ranch for an interview in 1993, it was pristine. Floors were waxed, walls scrubbed and windows power-washed.
It was after she, guest Elizabeth Taylor and TV crews left the next morning that the real Jacko appeared.
“He literally peed on the floor of the entryway, right where you saw Oprah walk in. It was surreal. He just stood there, unzipped his trousers and watered the floor,” Maid No. 2 said.

While Maid No. 3 would go onto describe Michael as a “messed-up and depraved drug addict” which sounds about accurate for a man who demanded hourly doses of hospital-grade anesthesia, Maid No. 2 describes the daily battles just to clean his sheets:

“There were many times I had to sneak in and change his linen. I couldn’t understand how he’d sleep in such filth,” Maid No. 2 said. “There’d be socks and underpants in the bed and half-eaten chicken and potato chips, empty bottles of wine and whiskey on the floor.”
“And you knew he wet himself — the place reeked.”

“One time, we found that poor little redhead child from Diff’rent Strokes and just tossed him back. There was nothing we could do at that point.” – What I’m telling myself was the next sentence because apparently Michael Jackson was a bit of a hoarder, particularly when it came to certain items.

The most scurrilous item Jacko held on to?
“I’d say there were two,” recalled Maid No. 2, who worked at Neverland from 1994 to 1996. “A soiled baby’s diaper, and a pair of Fruit of the Loom that was obviously worn by someone who was either a teen or an early-age adult.”

I can’t imagine who those belonged to.

Macualay Culkin Home Alone Scream

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