Michael Jackson Threatened Maids With ‘Doo-Doo Snowballs’: A Serious Internet Report

August 12th, 2014 // 19 Comments
Michael Jackson
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While the rest of the world continues to mourn the tragic loss of Robin Williams, it falls on my journalistic shoulders to keep the Internet spinning by chronicling Michael Jackson‘s use of weaponized poop. I have a responsibility, dammit! The New York Post reports:

Neverland’s manicured lawns and fairy-tale facade masked a house of horrors and madness, five of Michael Jackson’s maids revealed to The Post.
“Michael sometimes ran around where the animals were, and he’d track . . . poop throughout the house and think nothing of it,” Maid No. 1 recalled. “Then, if you said something, he’d threaten to make doo-doo snowballs and throw it at you.”

However, like myself, Michael Jackson can’t be confined to just one medium and also dabbled in pee-pee. (I’m getting paid to write these words. There’s actual money in my bank account.)

When Oprah Winfrey visited the Los Olivos, California, ranch for an interview in 1993, it was pristine. Floors were waxed, walls scrubbed and windows power-washed.
It was after she, guest Elizabeth Taylor and TV crews left the next morning that the real Jacko appeared.
“He literally peed on the floor of the entryway, right where you saw Oprah walk in. It was surreal. He just stood there, unzipped his trousers and watered the floor,” Maid No. 2 said.

While Maid No. 3 would go onto describe Michael as a “messed-up and depraved drug addict” which sounds about accurate for a man who demanded hourly doses of hospital-grade anesthesia, Maid No. 2 describes the daily battles just to clean his sheets:

“There were many times I had to sneak in and change his linen. I couldn’t understand how he’d sleep in such filth,” Maid No. 2 said. “There’d be socks and underpants in the bed and half-eaten chicken and potato chips, empty bottles of wine and whiskey on the floor.”
“And you knew he wet himself — the place reeked.”

“One time, we found that poor little redhead child from Diff’rent Strokes and just tossed him back. There was nothing we could do at that point.” – What I’m telling myself was the next sentence because apparently Michael Jackson was a bit of a hoarder, particularly when it came to certain items.

The most scurrilous item Jacko held on to?
“I’d say there were two,” recalled Maid No. 2, who worked at Neverland from 1994 to 1996. “A soiled baby’s diaper, and a pair of Fruit of the Loom that was obviously worn by someone who was either a teen or an early-age adult.”

I can’t imagine who those belonged to.

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  1. Cock Dr

    “I’m getting paid to write these words. There’s actual money in my bank account.”
    Please everyone let’s do our part to keep the blogger & Photo Boy off of public assistance. I’m sure they are fine upstanding citizens who would never want to be “takers” within the American economic system & if their only viable employment option is poop jokes over a long dead corpse well, internet capitalism sometimes isn’t pretty.

  2. tyty

    depravity is expensive.

  3. Short Round

    He was a whack job but Maid #2 tolerated THIS for 2 years?! How much was Jackson paying her? Or how much does Maid #2 want Oprah to pay her. I’m just spitballing here but maybe it was Oprah who peed on the wall. After all which celeb doesn’t have kinky twisted skeletons in the closet?

  4. WHAT. THE ACTUAL. FUCK?

  5. Ahnooold

    hahaha!
    vadda vayst uf de goood maidz!

  6. Dox

    I dunno. Somehow, going from remembrance of Robin to this….

    I honestly can’t decide if you have a talent, or a gypsy given curse. Seriously, I can see you denying a bank loan to the wrong gypsy and hearing the word “Superficial” echo creepily in the background as you type madly on a laptop in a dark room wearing only slightly soiled briefs, smoking, occasionally taking a pull off of a Cutty Sark bottle and cackling madly.

    Somehow this should be a cautionary tale about trading your child’s formative years for wealth and fame. It almost never. Ever. Turns out well.

  7. Zeba

    Why didn’t they quit. I read that he paid average wages to maids…not an exhorbitant amout. Plus, he was way out in the counry so their gas bills were probably pretty high.

  8. what'd you expect?

    MJ was a narcissistic pedo.
    None of this surprises me.

  9. Justin B.

    He makes all closeted pop singers look bad.

  10. At this point, I’m pretty sure anyone coming out with new Jacko revelations are essentially full of shit – yes, even the new ‘victims’ of his molestations. ‘Cause, really, why would they wait 5 years after his death to come out with them? There’s also the fact that, as the stories gets crazier and crazier, they rarely matches previous gossips told by past Jacko’s snitches – the ‘do-do’ snowballs thing is so out there, how the fuck did it take three decades before we hear about it!? Oh yeah, because it’s probably made up…

    But it’s a testament on how completely FUBAR Michael was that, even though those new stories are fabricated, they still doesn’t sound so far-fetched to not be legit.

    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      As seductive as your ‘why did it take so long for these rumours to come out’ logic is on the surface, it’s ultimately meritless. There are a plethora of ‘go to’ reasons which could or would explain why someone would wait quite sometime to reveal what they knew about celebrity X after X’s death. They might fear that if they spoke to soon after the deceased’s death, that they’d be called out for ghoulishly trying to capitalize on their demise; they might personally have felt a strong sense of loyalty to X (in whatever capacity they related to them to be in possession of such secrets) and felt it morally right to keep their secrets a secret – a sense of loyalty/morality that only slowly got broken down over time as they saw ‘everybody else’ shitting all over X’s reputation & cashing in on doing so, leading to their finally asking, “why shouldn’t I, it’s not like their reputation can really sink any lower”; they might have simply desired for all the commotion in the wake of X’s death to die down before they brought forth their story, so that when they did (after so much time passing) the spotlight was totally on what they had to say; that their spilling certain beans wasn’t competing in a market place filled with others spilling different beans on the same celebrity X, the thinking being that they’d therefore command a higher price in a market place starving for new salacious rumours. It doesn’t take much to drum up wholly believable scenarios.

      As for how ‘crazy’ the actions described are: Jackson had a screw loose, and because he was a golden goose for so many ass lickers, it makes sense that no one would dare try and disabuse him of certain behaviours for fear of being ostracized from the golden goose. Being surrounded by enablers + having a screw loose = bizarre behaviours become normative. By way of example, see Howard Hughes.

  11. Slash

    I’m not even surprised by this. I’ve been in enough people’s homes to know that just because someone’s affluent (or richer than merely affluent) doesn’t mean they can’t be a pig wallowing in their own shit.

    Some people are just gross. And I’m guessing if they have maids to clean up after them, they never learn (or need to learn) to clean up after themselves.

  12. George Clooney’s fiancé is not amused.

  13. hmm

    None of this surprises me in the least.

  14. Crystal's Mom

    How this fucker managed to stay out of prison escapes me.

    The only fuckers worse than this diddling pedo were the parents that sent their defenseless kids to Uncle Touchy’s Magic Basement in hopes of winning a pile of hush money. They should be hunted with dogs.

  15. Michael Jackson made the really crazy people look…well…really crazy!

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