Michael Fassbender Talked About Horse Dick. I’m Gonna Need A Minute.

“Okay Kate, now think of your most beloved relative.”
“Is..is that my granny’s face..on the moon? But how?!”

Fish and I like to joke a lot about how we died in college and we’re now living in the Matrix of one of our minds. And judging by this Slave Leia bikini that just appears over my clothes no matter what I put on for the day, I’m fairly confident as to whose head we landed in. Anyway, that’s the justification I use for any story that comes along with the power to make me want to kill myself, because I can’t imagine anything better than hearing about Michael Fassbender giving a horse a giant erection. Wait, you say Jon Hamm’s touring a sausage factory later? *unties noose, for now* Via Us Weekly:

“Well, he used to get quite aroused whenever I got on his back,” the X-Men actor, 38, said.

HOLY SHIT! I have to stop it there for a second. *breathes into paper bag, throws up* OKAYKEEPGOING!

“So, Dan the horse handler had to get on it and sort of, you know, canter him or give him a little trot so he’d sort of slap off his… retract it back and then he was good to go.”

Did Publishers Clearing House just ring my doorbell? Because I feel like a goddamn grand prize winner right now. And this is a gift I’m going to bequeath to further generations as well.

“Grandpa, can you help us pay for college?”
“Sure can. You kids know how fortunate your pappy was as a young man on the Internet.”
MOMMM…he wrote “Michael Fassbender tricked a horse trainer into jerking him off” on the signature line again!”

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