Reminder: Michael Fassbender Has A Giant Penis, Will Spank You With A Ping-Pong Paddle

May 16th, 2012 // 47 Comments
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“Now, before we begin, how attached are you to your cervix?”

Michael Fassbender is the cover interview for the June 2012 issue of GQ, so if you’re in the mood for reading about the trials and tribulations of everyone making jokes about how huge your penis is while the writer awkwardly tries not to make cock jokes of his own, go ahead and give that a read. In the meantime, here’s the intro which is either meant to paint Michael Fassbender as a heroin addict or a man who has no qualms about quickly banging a woman then tossing her out the fire escape while a reporter waits right outside his apartment:

If he’s going to take me home with him, Michael Fassbender first needs a moment alone. That’s the one thing he asks. We’ve been walking and talking for a while in a local park, but he didn’t even mention that we were close by his apartment until the increasingly heavy rain triggered his sense of hospitality. “Just give me two seconds to do a little bit of a sort of tidy-up,” he requests. “My mother wouldn’t be happy.”
I wait in the stairwell, glad just to be getting no wetter, until he swings open the door.
“Okay!” he beams. “Welcome to my flat!”

Made your guess? Let’s see how you did:

In the middle of the room is a mini Ping-Pong table, borrowed from his British agent, who lives nearby. “Now that it’s here,” says Fassbender, “it’s not going. This table has been the best contribution for fun I’ve had in a long time. This table has seen some action…” He pauses, laughs. “That sounds wrong.”
But has it? I say, gently pushing.
“Just the paddles,” he deflects, and of course he then realizes that this sounds wrong, too, in exactly the same way.

Somewhere Alexander Skarsgard just pulled out a broadsword and yelled something about there being only one, except nobody could hear him over the deafening SPLOOSH of a thousand vaginas moistening at once. THE QUICKWETTENING IS AT HAND!

Photos: GQ, Bauer-Griffin, Getty, INFdaily, Splash News

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  1. EricLr

    Somewhere Alexander Skarsgard is reading this interview while he bangs every woman in Minneapolis.

    • Hey, McBeef, don’t you live in Minneapolis? Try to get some o’ that!

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        i think he looks like Jeffrey Dahmer, so i’ll save my homo pass for when Daniel Craig or Ryan Reynolds comes around.

        And leave my scandanavian blondes alone, Skarsgard. Go get your own back home.

    • MyRightOne

      “Somewhere Alexander Skarsgard is reading this interview while he bangs every woman in Minneapolis.” Then he flips the page and plows every woman in St. Paul. True fact.

  2. I think we can all agree, in the most heterosexual way possible, that we’d like to see them sword fight…

  3. Michael Fassbender GQ Interview
    T-bag
    Commented on this photo:

    “No no… They exaggerated! It’s only THIS big!”

  4. Cock Dr

    “THE QUICKWETTENING IS AT HAND!”
    The blogger speaketh only for himself.

  5. Dr.Sex

    If the penis hits your cervix it hurts like hell. not during sex but the days after it feels like you’re having the worst cramps in the world. The horrible pain is not worth sex.
    If a girl is not having sex with you, its probably because you hurt her cervix. Fingering too hard also hurts the cervix.

    • Cock Dr

      Your motives seem good & kind, but i’s probably not a good idea to make sweeping generalizations about what all women like & do not like about deep penatration.

    • kimmykimkim

      If I’m not hurting for a couple of days, then he didn’t do it right.

      • Morning

        Actually its the opposite, if you’re hurting afterwards he didn’t do it right. Sex is suppose to feel good. The most you should feel is like you got a good workout. You shouldn’t be feeling cramps.

      • kimmykimkim

        Settle down, now. I never said it didn’t feel good and I never said I’ve experienced cramping. I was kidding, sort of, a little bit. Tiny bit.

      • dooood

        this was from an old john leguizamo special -

        the average pinga is about 6″ long.
        the average vaginga is about 8″ deep.

        that means there is about 2 miles of unused pussy in new york!

      • Ann Valor

        Not even close. The average vagina is 3-4 inches deep, and expands roughly to 6 inches during arousal.

    • If my wife’s cervix is hurting, it probably wasn’t me.

  6. YoMamma

    That GQ pic is fucking hot.

    • Female Commentator

      I agree. I looked at that photo and am WAYYY too turned on right now, it is not even funny. I am not sure what to do about this. At least I am not male, it would be even more of a problem.

  7. Michael Fassbender GQ Interview Antonio Banderas
    Commented on this photo:

    “Okay, so I will be the bull, and you have to stab me with your ‘sword.’ “

  8. Edith Bunker

    Michael Fassbender and Ewan McGregor have big cocks.
    Fact.
    How does the world know?
    They’ve both been comfortable with full-frontal male nudity scenes in movies.
    They also both happen to be very talented actors. So, if being well endowed brings attention to their careers, and more people go to see their films or watch them onstage (even in the non-nude productions), then it’s great for them and their directors, co-stars, the writers, etc.
    Same can’t be said for Kim K’s giant ass and the innumerable ‘starlets’ with bolt-on tits with zero talent to back them up…

  9. “I didn’t bring my notepad. Would you mind speaking directly into my box?” – the reporter

  10. Dramatic Puddle

    I wouldn’t have the sex with either one, thanks. Somewhere out there is a man with a large penis and a face that won’t make me want to puke. My search shall continue.

    • Devilish Diva

      I’ve had sex with men who have large penises, great bodies and handsome faces. *Sigh* They’re usually psychos.

    • DusktillDawn

      My, aren’t we on a mighty high horse. Maybe its face won’t make you puke and it has a large penis as well. Problem solved.

  11. Having a large peen sounds like a sweet gig. If Charlize Theron publicly admired and wanted my large peen, I’d say that’s almost better than having ‘fuck you money’. I don’t know Michael Fassbender or his work (I’m still assuming he’s an awesome bassist for some hipster band I’ve never heard of), but I’m happy to cheer him on.

  12. Jeremy

    Sooooooo … Michael Fassbender is Sterling Archer? *Sploosh*

  13. Michael Fassbender GQ Interview
    Count of Monte Fisto
    Commented on this photo:

    Sex beast, ping pong paddles and worrying about mother?

    Sterling Archer, is that you?!

  14. kimmykimkim

    So you’re saying this dude would bang me with his giant penis, spank me with a paddle and then I don’t have to hear from him again? Does he have a waiting list? Put me on that list. He could nail my cervix all day. Wait, does this guy have a face? Eh, who cares.

  15. I’ll put down 2-to-1 that Skarsgard could beat this guy into a pulp and cram those precious ping-pong paddles up Fassbender’s ass sideways.

    No homo.

    • powerstuffgirl

      No way. Fassy’s German roots would take care of Skargards Viking qualities, and his Irish temper would then win in fist-fight!

  16. It’s like this whole post, GQ quotes included, was lifted directly from Archer.

    I’m not complaining.

  17. GAH

    So apparently, size does matter.

    I’m sad. You stretched out skanks. ALL OF YA

    • browny

      OF COURSE IT MATTERS. What’re ya kiddin’ me?? WTF, else are men for?? And this one is GORGEOUS. And the accent?? OMG.

      This picture is fantastic…

  18. I want to lick him up and down, and do bad things to him.

  19. CranAppleSnapple

    His smile looks like a hessian sack of ripe bananas. How is he fitting that many teeth in his mouth?

  20. Michael Fassbender GQ Interview Antonio Banderas
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t even know what’s going on here, but I know I want to be in the middle of it.

  21. Michael Fassbender GQ Interview Antonio Banderas
    vgrly
    Commented on this photo:

    Let me show you my Karate Kid crane kick. Giant dick, watch out!

  22. Michael Fassbender GQ Interview
    vgrly
    Commented on this photo:

    I guess a big dick would make you have this much glee. He does need some teeth whitening though.

  23. Michael Fassbender GQ Interview Antonio Banderas
    Laredo
    Commented on this photo:

    THere must be other actors in hollywood, right? And yet this dude gets all the roles these days. Wooden face, pale, blond with stupid accent: PERFECT for the syrian/persian assassin’s role…
    The fact that Ubisoft made a movie called Lineage with the voice actors wasn’t even considered.

  24. Kimberlite

    OMG!!! Michael Fassbender the woman beater is now being sued for spreading a potentially fatel STD to a female cast mate. he was pictured leaving the gyno deparent with Gerard Butler’s ex girlfriend in Rome, Italy recently. She was in tears!!! I wonder of she will join the lawsuit?

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