Catherine Zeta-Jones Is Single

August 28th, 2013 // 45 Comments
Did I Say Cunnilingus?
Michael Douglas Catherine Zeta-Jones Cunnilingus Throat Cancer
I Meant I'm Very Old And Confused Read More »

“Eh? Oh, right, the cancer stuff.”

In a surprising move, the Internet actually took time away from accusing Miley Cyrus‘ ass of twerking open the door to Armageddon this morning to report that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are separated after 13 years of marriage. Radar reports:

Michael Douglas and wife Catherine Zeta-Jones are separated, RadarOnline.com has confirmed, with a source telling us that “Michael wanted out” while “Catherine desperately wanted to cover up the situation.”
The Basic Instinct star, 68, and Chicago stunner, 43, have been on a “break” for some time, as Douglas took their kids — Dylan, 13, and Carys, 10, — overseas to Sardinia without their mother, who has stayed in her native New York.
Insiders tell People, who first reported the story, the stars haven’t begun the paperwork process in the split.
One source said, “They want the best for their kids, no matter what happens.”

Radar also calls the split “shocking,” but c’mon, really? We’re talking about a couple where an elderly man publicly accused his younger, bipolar wife of giving him throat cancer with her vagina. The only thing shocking is Michael Douglas isn’t even hiding that he doesn’t want to live anymore. “Dammit. Why didn’t I die in a suspicious house fire?” he says every morning.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Trex

    Old people are gross. I don’t like Michael Douglas, either.

  2. gnarla

    Her “native” New York? She’s Welsh.

  3. Deacon Jones

    Never felt the sympathy thing for a famous couple when they break up, 99.9% of the world wants to sleep with them

  4. fondue

    Finally, my chance!

  5. Blue Shirt Special

    Never understood why they were together in the first place. Like I told Catherine years ago… wait, can I write down her name? ‘checks restraining order’ – Yes, like I told her, I’m the man for her!

  6. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    srsly. its the notorious cancer vag of hollywood.
    i know- who woulda guessed.
    crazy right?
    what- divorce?

  7. 43??? WOW !!! she is still so young and beautiful.

    • Heh. Actually, she’s Benjamin Buttoning her stats.
      I’ve been watching her act since I was a child, and now suddenly I’m older than her.

      • Stephanie

        That’s funny, considering her first on-screen performance was in 1990 and she was EXTREMELY young. She started acting in plays when she was in her pre-teens back in the UK. It’s pretty easy to find the dates of these plays. You couldn’t have been ‘watching her act since you were a child’ and be older than she claims unless she, too, was a child and you’ve been following her since her stage days in Wales.

    • She’s no stranger to the knife.

    • Steph

      Oh please. There are a plethora of articles going back years stating that her REAL age is 53. I don’t know who she thinks she’s fooling.

  8. Blue Shirt Special

    Despite her meltdown being a sign in hindsight, I’m surprised. I guess Hollywood celebs put on their best acting when they are on the red carpet with their secretly soon-to-be ex. Maybe we should have a special Oscar for that.

  9. ace11

    Michael had the chance to get it on with Paltrow (after the Pitt Split)

    Would probably have turned out better

  10. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Colin
    Commented on this photo:

    See, when I saw “Catherine Zeta-Jones is Single” I just assumed Michael Douglas finally died.

  11. JO JO

    When a 68 year old Meh Guy leaves a 43 year old Goddess that can only mean one ting… She is BAT #$hit Crazy

  12. anonymous

    Didn’t he blame his throat cancer for all the CZJ pie eating he was doing?

  13. “And this, ladies and gentlemen, was the receiver of the cunnilingus that so viciously gave me cancer…”

  14. Cher X

    Look where his hand is pointing. He’s saying “THIS…gave me throat cancer.”

  15. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    NATTY ICE
    Commented on this photo:

    “Well, I didn’t want to do it this way, all public and embarrassing, but, I am leaving you. You know this would have ended so much simpler if you just would have died from the cancer I gave you.”

  16. Griefer

    She doesn’t seem that crazy for a crazy chick.

  17. Ginger Failed

    She gave him throat cancer? He’s a man whore. He’s gone down on more chicks than Ellen, but the Mrs. gave him cancer?

  18. Dr. Jones

    She got to old for him.

  19. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Sorry, babe. Maybe we should get throat cancer from other people now?

  20. whatever

    he got a second chance at life, and his thanks to his family is to leave, nice guy…

  21. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Evie
    Commented on this photo:

    She is from Whales. Not NYC. Bur who cares! She is a snatch face.

  22. Numbum

    “The Basic Instinct star, 68, and Chicago stunner, 43, have been on a “break” for some time, as Douglas took their kids — Dylan, 13, and Carys, 10, — overseas to Sardinia without their mother, who has stayed in her native New York.”

    Funny, always thought she was from the UK, but guess I was wrong.

  23. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Ripley's Believe It Or Not
    Commented on this photo:

    About to unleash that cancer causing snatch on an unsuspecting audience. What a superpower to have.

  24. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Ripley's Believe It Or Not
    Commented on this photo:

    You’re gay? Damn you & your throat!

  25. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Ripley's Believe It Or Not
    Commented on this photo:

    Let me guess – the song they’re dancing to is “Another One Bites The Dust”.

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