Uh, Guys, I Don’t Think It Was The Russians

July 18th, 2014 // 67 Comments

While separatists armed by Putin almost definitely shot down Malaysia Airline Flight MH17 yesterday over the Ukraine, new information suggests far more sinister forces may be at work here. Buzzfeed reports:

More than 100 delegates and family members of the 20th International AIDS Conference, due to begin Sunday, were on board Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17, the Australian, the Star Observer, and the Age reported Friday morning local time.

That’s right. The top AIDS researchers in the entire world were on that plane. And who has AIDS? Magic Johnson. And who wants Magic Johnson to keep having AIDS and possesses an obscene amount of wealth necessary to strategically place Buk missile systems in European war zones?

Donald Sterling

♫ AIDS-finger, he’s the man, the man with the Midas touch,
A spider’s touch, such an AIDS-finger… ♫

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  1. Cock Dr

    I think I’ll avoid flying Malaysia Airlines.

    • GotMilk

      There were over 100 AIDS scientists on that plane. 100 scientists!
      What a way to put all of your eggs in a single basket.

  2. *bows* Well done, Fish. BTW my fact checker, since we’re covering hard news and all, must state that Magic does not have AIDS, he is HIV+…. with career playoff averages of 20 Pts, 12 Asts and 8 Rebs per game.

  3. Greg

    I still find it odd an airline would choose a flight path over contested war torn area…….It’s like being an American Couple and going for a hike in Afghanistan…..oh wait….

    • From what I’ve been reading about it, commercial airliners cruise at an altitude high enough to be out of range of most weapons except high grade military hardware (such as the high-altitude SAM battery used here) normally in the hands of nation-states, not paramilitary insurgency groups. And these weapons normally are used in conjuction with other high grade tech in a detection net able to differentiate and determine targets for it to fire upon. But, such as this case, a SAM battery can be used by itself without that detection net but it wont know exactly what it is shooting at.

      The last three weeks Russia has been escalating the conflict in Eastern Ukraine after the Ukrainian government had made successful inroads into rebel territory. About a week ago, the US State Dept claimed it had evidence of Russia sending heavy ordnance into Ukraine: a few tanks, self-propelled artillery pieces, etc., in support of the rebels. The SAM battery might have been one; or it was captured by the rebels from the Ukrainian military. If it was captured, the Ukrainian rebels are mostly ex-military and the SAM is Soviet era tech so it’s probable atleast one of them would know how to use it. But whoever is calling the shots didn’t think it through about which planes cruise at what altitude and to be cautious about what they were firing at, and they certainly didn’t have the needed infrastructure to determine if it was a military plane or not. They were basically firing blind, which is really reckless.

      Russia’s introduction of higher grade weapons (that can reach high altitudes) into Eastern Ukraine is new in the conflict and still only suspected -not confirmed- by the US gov. There hasn’t been an international confirmation of it and as such there wasn’t cause to change flight routes because commercial airliners are normally safe at high altitudes over warzones where asymmetric warfare is taking place. Eastern Ukraine wasn’t the only warzone MA17 was flying over. And evern if it was a conventional warzone with a fully operation detection net, Russia or the rebels acting independently wouldn’t knowingly allow a civilian plane to be attacked, if for nothing else than the inevitable international outcry that would follow. What they did was reckless and stupid and resulted in tragedy.

      • Johnny Barbells

        …who the fuck thumbed-down this insightful & detailed analysis??? at least post an equally detailed & insightful rebuttal, you contrarian dick…

  4. The Most Interesting

    Fish, I realize you’re just a T&A man with a penchant for buggery, and we love you for it, but Ukraine is in Europe, not Asia.

  5. Buzzfeed reports? What was the article title? 27 people who probably shot down the Flight 17?

  6. Too early for humor for me.

  7. gumbypokey

    Exactly what does this have to do with Selena Gomez or tits?

  8. 295 people are dead, their bodies not even found, let alone buried, and all you can think of are some lame jokes? Jesus.

    • Yeah, I suppose we’re too grown up now to make light of tragedy.

      Joke told in my high school, days after the Challenger space shuttle explosion: What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts.

    • JC

      The world over, it’s estimated that about 107 people die every minute, no doubt some of them in truly horrific conditions, dying from starvation and easily preventable diseases. Hell, 295 people in the U.S. probably die every day just because of Jenny McCarthy. But nobody gives a shit because none of those people died in a spectacular manner. If you spend every moment of every day not joking around because of somebody’s suffering, you’re not going to have a lot of humor in your life.

      • ToyBoxOfGuns

        That’s not even remotely the issue. The difference between making a joke about general events in the Earth’s history, such as “haha, people die of starvation” and this, is that this is a SPECIFIC situation. that involves the lives of specific individuals, and it literally happened less than a week ago. There’s a big goddamn difference.

        I’ll make jokes about nearly everything (to the ire of most around me), but I typically at least wait until the bodies are cold or at least buried before I devalue human life into humor. It’s the least that someone can do to show they’re not complete scum that deserves the worst that life has to offer.

      • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

        Sorry, your logic doesn’t wash. What difference does time having passed after an event matter?
        One of the funniest things I’ve ever heard was a Monty Python holocaust joke. It’s not one I’d repeat to a holocaust survivor if I were to meet them on the street, even though its 70+ years after the event. And that’s because time lapsed after an event is an irrelevant consideration: who I’m tempted to tell a joke to is the relevant consideration. What is their distance from the event the joke concerns itself with?

    • Pretty sure some of the victims were cremated.

    • 295 people are dead, their bodies not even found, let alone buried, and you’re commenting on a website called The Superficial? Jesus.

    • Angus

      Come on now, with all the wild dogs in that area it’s not likely that all the bodies will be found (although they might be helpful with the burying).

  9. Let me get ahead of all the conspiracy nutjobs and be the first to say “If the airplane crashed, how come there’s no airplane debris?”

  10. “the cure for AIDS may have been on that plane”

    Sure it’s a tragedy, but get the fuck real, bro

  11. karen

    The first clue was when the tip of the missile exploded after penetrating the tail of the aircraft.

  12. Kingmaker

    Good, there shouldn’t be a cure for the gay plague AIDS, it’s there for a reason bro.

  13. Mel Brooks ” It is not offensive if its funny like real funny, any topic , 9/11 etc .
    But if its not funny then it is not a joke. How simple is that?”
    Not funny at all. Those Pro Russian Scumbags did it. Would ppl be more concerned if US citizens were on board, as their still counting the nationalities on the plane?

  14. This is the second Malyasian Plane this year that has gone down due to mysterious circumstances.

    • I’m not sure there are too many mysteries about what brought down the plane over the Ukraine.

      And the one in SE Asia isn’t really all that mysterious either.

  15. Milky

    Don’t quit your day job. Leave geopolitics to people that know what they are talking about. Ukraine has had Buk missile systems for decades and built an improved radar system for it as well.

  16. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    What has my grand-nephew Vladimir done this time?

    His branch of the family dropped the “Ras” suffix, to distance themselves from us. Good, we think he’s the black sheep of the lot, and give us a bad name.

  17. Pat C.

    I’m waiting to see in which way the conservatives blame Obama for this.

  18. I love your site. Especially the humor that goes along with it. I just find this the most insensitive thing you have ever said. You go on such an amazing rant about gay rights, which is fine, but far from being humorous, but you find this funny? 296 people were murdered. Yesterday. This includes children.

  19. …he did’nt make fun of the tragedy itself, he just kinda made light of the situation by using it to make a donald sterling joke …there’s a difference …and this is by far not the most insensitive he’s ever been.

  20. ToyBoxOfGuns

    Hahaha, these peoples’ lives are so meaningless, they’re the punchline for a not very well written joke!

    Did Justin Bieber or Chris Brown ghost pen this article? I thought only worthless sacks of excrement had such little value for human life as to use the horrific deaths of hundreds as a basis for internet traffic?

    The next time a celeb scumbag does something appropriately scumbaggish, it’s going to be real hard to not think “yeah, he punched that baby in face, but at least he didn’t place the value of a joke above that of hundreds of people’s lives.”

    Congrats TSW, in one fell swoop you put yourself below the Maple Christ and Cunt Puncher 3000 Chris Brown.


    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      Where does it say that these people lives should be viewed as meaningless? That bit of text must’ve passed me by. Oh, a joke was made of dead people? Let’s see, thousands of people die all around the world every day due to X, and you’ve never ever told a joke and/or laughed at a joke that involved X in its punchline? We know you have, and so by your own execrable logic you were rendering those lives lost in connection to X that very day of the telling of the joke as meaningless.

      ToyBrainOfGunk posts the usual nonsensical projections evidenced by the ranting h8rs.

  21. Marieke

    This is not a subject to make fun about.

  22. Mel Gibson's Shrink

    You Americans really are as dumb as the world thinks.

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