Melania Trump Drops First Official FLOTUS Portrait But Her Mixtape Release Date Still Unknown

The White House has just released the first official portrait of first lady, Melania Trump, and it couldn’t be more… Trumpy…

I did some (lazy) research to find out that this might be the first time in history that a First Lady has crossed her arms for an official portrait. Hand-clasping was the “dab” of the 1800’s so there’s a lot of that, but going all out ‘B-boy stance’ is something so new, so chic, that only a model married to a man who plays by his own rules could pull it off.

Her demeanor is a little menacing for a lot of folks and that’s understandable. There are a lot of pre-existing notions that come with seeing her face that put thoughts of “I survive off of the flesh of newborns and la croix” into my head, so I get that- but maybe I had it all wrong and Melania is just about to drop the most savage album of 2017…

I eventually called body language expert and outspoken Illuminati conspiracy theorist Frank Bowles to ask him what the fuck he thinks is going on here:

Reptile… yep, definitely a reptilian look right there. She’s only crossing her arms because her tail is tucked up under her armpit… Liberal media probably doesn’t want to show her scales on TV and for once I agree with ‘em – prolly end up scare’n the kids.

There you have it… she’s a reptile just like Hillary and Beyonce. Let’s get some pizza before we all die.