Mel Gibson Will Straighten Lindsay Lohan Out

December 5th, 2012 // 29 Comments
Mel Tried To Cure Whitney
Mel Gibson
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“I’m sorry. Ya said your last name’s Goldstein?”

While attending the Mending Kids charity poker benefit over the weekend, Mel Gibson apparently told Extra that he plans to “reach out” to Lindsay Lohan which is awesome news if you enjoyed the outcome of the last person he attempted to rehabilitate. That said, I can’t help but feel this is more than battling addiction. Think about it:

Lindsay Lohan blows people as a survival mechanism. Mel Gibson needs to get blown or he commits arson.
Lindsay Lohan blames everyone else for her problems. Mel Gibson blames Jews.
Lindsay Lohan’s genitals produce fire. Mel Gibson needs fire to get blowjays so he doesn’t make more fire.

It’s a match made in heaven. Also, since it’s true Lindsay Lohan can blow a man so hard he goes insane, maybe she can blow a man so hard he goes.. sane? “Phew, whoa, wow, that was amazing. I don’t even know why I’m parked outside this synagogue holding a bazooka anymore. Let’s go tell these people we believe them about the Holocaust, whadda ya say?”

Photos: Getty

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  1. EricLr

    Remember back in the 80′s, when everyone saw Lethal Weapon and thought “Wow, look at how great an actor he is! He really makes you *believe* he’s batshit-crazy and suicidal!”

    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      Mel has always played himself. When he was shouting “FREEEDOOOOM” during his execution scene in Braveheart, he was thinking “…FROM THE JEWS!”

    • sobrietyisacrutch

      And that was just the coke talking.

  2. Cock Dr

    How I would love for this to be true.
    He should take her for a nice long drive along the Pacific hwy. Southbound.
    At night.
    In heavy rain and fog.
    During an earthquake.

  3. I wonder, who in this arrangement is actually going to straighten who out?

  4. Mel Gibson Crazy Faces Mending Kids International Celebrity Poker Tournament
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    (If they don’t put “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” on TV this year again I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEBODY!)

  5. dude

    Mel demonstrating how far his neck bulged out when he swallowed Jon Hamm.

  6. [img]http://www.thesuperficial.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/05/images-215_234.jpeg[/img]

  7. This isn’t relevant to the content of the story at all, but I just realized that Mel looks like Gerard Butler’s crazy uncle.

  8. By “reach out to Lindsay” I think he means, “propose to Lindsay to be his new wife and blow him while he burns their house down”

    As long as she’s not Jewish I see no problem between the two of them.

  9. zomgbie

    its about time someone started making sense.
    all of lindsays problems will be solved if she learns not to keep her man waiting in the jacuzzi for a blowjob and she BETTER PUT A SMILE ON HER FACE WHILE SHE DOES IT.
    and-
    DONT MAKE MEL WANNA SMMMOOOOOKE!!!!!!!

  10. The Garbage Man

    To be fair, though, the addict he tried to help before Whitney was Robert Downey Jr.

    Gibson’s still 1 for 2.

  11. Moo Cow Hunter

    A racist, religious bigot control freak successfully helping a self-entitled substance abusing retard. Can’t believe my bookie begged me to take the better odds for the next Batman movie involving a Joker-Bruce Wayne romance.

  12. Jade

    Is he going to follow in Charlie Sheen’s footsteps and make an ass out of himself by giving her money to help her?

  13. Fish, nothin’ but for love the Gibson lineup. Thanks for taking the time and effort to round out the gallery of off-my-meds insanity.

  14. SFRowGuy

    Mel, start with a ‘Bitch Slap’ and work up from there. She needs a major intervention.

  15. Mel Gibson Crazy Faces Mending Kids International Celebrity Poker Tournament
    Commented on this photo:

    “Some folks call it a sling blade, I call everybody all kinds of outrageous shit.”

  16. Mel Gibson Crazy Faces Mending Kids International Celebrity Poker Tournament
    Toe Jam
    Commented on this photo:

    “I grabbed her by the throat, like this, and said…blow job, before the Jacuzzi, bitch. And that was the last time I saw Jody Foster’s sugar tits”.

  17. Mel Gibson Crazy Faces Mending Kids International Celebrity Poker Tournament
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’m starvin’! Is there anything to eat around here?”
    “Yes, we have a nice spread, which includes beagles with kosher cream cheese, smoked salm-”
    “Kosher?”
    “Why yes, one of the attendees requested it.”
    “. . .”
    “Oh shit! Someone get the extinguisher!”

  18. Gamer

    Mel better use condoms for this one.

  19. AnnaD.

    This article made me LOL

  20. HiHat

    Great — now she can add anti-Semitism to her list of deficiencies…

  21. Herman Bumfudle

    probably.

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