Mel Gibson Admits ‘Slapping’ Oksana

“Haha. Funny story, you guys…”

In a sworn declaration, Mel Gibson admits to “slapping” Oksana Grigorieva because she was allegedly acting hysterical while holding their infant daughter Lucia. He denies “punching” her which, naturally, contradicts her version of events. TMZ has obtained each of their declarations, so I’ve posted both Mel and Oksana’s accounts (after the jump) for you guys to decide after I force my own opinion on you, most likely in the form of a penis joke:

Prince Mel, Slapper Savior of Children:

According to his declaration, dated June 23, 2010 and filed with the court, Mel says he and Oksana were having one of their frequent arguments at his Malibu home, when Oksana grabbed Lucia out her of bassinet, brought her right in the middle of the argument and screamed, “Stop yelling or you will make her into a retarded brain damaged idiot!”
Mel says Oksana then “spun around,” ran into her older son’s room and then out into the backyard. Mel says the yard is dangerous at night, set on different levels and dimly lit. Mel says Oksana ran across the various levels for about 75 yards, near thorny trees.
Mel says he implored Oksana to bring Lucia back inside, and that’s when Oksana ran back into her older son’s room, and “started swinging Lucia erratically in her arms, jerking her body from side to side to keep Lucia out of my reach.”
Mel adds Oksana was “hysterical” and her “rapid movements were causing Lucia’s little body to be flung from one side to the other, her head shaking violently.” Mel says he feared Shaken Baby Syndrome.
As she refused to hand the baby over and continued with “rough and erratic movements,” Mel says, “I slapped Oksana one time with an open hand in an attempt to bring her back to reality. I did not slap her hard, I was just trying to shock her so that she would stop screaming, continuing shaking Lucia back and forth.”

Blowjay-Deprived Bruce Banner:

Oksana claims in a fit of jealousy, Mel called her a “whore,” “C**t” and a “f**king C**t” as he stormed around his Malibu house. Oksana says she tried to leave the house, when Mel “raised his hand and took a closed fist punch to my mouth. He then punched me on the left side of my head, near the temple area. The force of [Mel’s] punches threw me and LUCIA back on the bed. As LUCIA and I laid on the bed … [Mel] with his two hands tried to strangle me, and proceeded to choke me with his right forearm to my neck.”
Oksana claims Mel’s “second fist blow that went across my face also glanced across LUCIA’s chin, and there was blood on both of us.”
Oksana then claims Mel threatened her with a gun, as we’ve previously reported.
But Oksana alleges other abusive behavior at other times — claiming Mel would call her a “Gold digger,” “Weak c**t,” “F**king bitch,” “Ingrate bitch” and “whore.”
She claims in November, 2009, Mel was “literally frothing at the mouth and his saliva got all over my face,” one time slamming a chair against a glass door and breaking it.
On another occasion, Oksana claims Mel “started chest butting me into a corner, all while I was still holding LUCIA.” She also alleges Mel would push her.

While both stories offer hyper-exaggerated, self-serving accounts ranging from Mel the hero to Mel the salivating killing machine, there’s one undeniable constant throughout both of them: Mel hit Oksana while she was holding the baby. Apparently, his legal team is going to argue he struck Oksana “in defense of a family member,” but how the hell does punching – I’m sorry, “slapping.” – a woman who’s the only one keeping a child from falling to the ground protect it? That’s some questionable logic, to say the least. Even if Oksana was shaking Lucia, I’m going to assume that’s still better than a four foot drop. Then again, I wouldn’t put it past Mel’s lawyers to argue angels appear every time their client strikes his enemies, so clearly, they would’ve flown the child to safety.

LAWYER: Trust us. It’s this thing he does, your honor, but unfortunately, our client won’t be able to demonstrate it for the court because tell ‘em, Mel.
MEL: Too many Jews in here.
LAWYER: Too many Jews in here. — Wait, that wasn’t…
MEL: I cannot tell a lie!