Before I even get to the conclusion of the Megyn Kelly said “Jesus and Santa have to be white” saga, below is the Eiza Gonzalez panty flash for those of you want to keep your worldview unchallenged and safe in its comfy bed of bullshit. Because, whatever you celebrate this time of year, showing goodwill toward other men is something that transcends religion and customs. Not unlike seeing celebrity’s underwear if you want to get all meta about it. Anyway, here’s your handy little escape chute while the grown-ups talk:
Are the kids gone? Alright, let’s get into it.
Just to refresh everyone’s memory, here are the exact words Megyn Kelly said Wednesday night, two days after she went on The Tonight Show and told Jay Leno that she’s “a straight news anchor” and “not one of the opinion hosts.” Keep in mind that I’m directly quoting from FOX News’ own website:
“For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white, but this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa,” Kelly said on Wednesday. “But Santa is what he is, and just so you know, we’re just debating this because someone wrote about it.”
Except FOX News left out that she also said this:
Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change. Jesus was a white man, too. He was a historical figure. That’s a verifiable fact — as is Santa.
What followed was an epic backlash from people who for some reason took issue with a “straight news anchor” reporting that Santa is a verifiable historical figure who is mostly definitely white just like Jesus. Weird, right? Megyn Kelly thought so, too, because she was totally joking, you guys. C’mon!
“In kicking off the light-hearted segment, I offered a tongue-in-cheek message for any kids watching, saying that Santa — who I joked was a real person whose race was identifiable — is white,” Kelly said. “Humor is a part of what we try to bring to this show, but sometimes, that is lost on the humorless.”
She then lambasted her critics for failing to get the joke.
“This would be funny if it were not so telling about our society,” she continued. “In particular, the knee-jerk instinct by so many to race-bait and to assume the worst of people, especially people employed by the very powerful Fox News Channel.”
That’s right. Megyn Kelly not only tried to pretend she was joking, but she had the balls on top of it to basically say, “U mad bro?” the lazy, status quo shield of those having their shit thoroughly called out. Because, you see, the real issue isn’t that a “straight news anchor” went on television and spoonfed her gullible audience that “Santa just is white” because racism is Fox’s bread and butter, it’s that people actually got mad about it like little bitches. Seriously, who gives a shit if Santa has to be white? That’s just how it’s always been, so how little of a life do you have to even try to start a dialog about what that does to ethnic children during the holidays? This is why kids today are pussies, some might be inclined to say.
But jokes about the last dying gasps of white Christian America aside, here’s what else Megyn Kelly did: The second it became a threat to her ratings, she threw everyone under the bus who actually argued she was right. And there were a lot of them out there. Except according to Megyn, clearly she was joking about Santa and Jesus being historically white because, haha, that’s preposterous! “Who’s stupid enough to even think like that?” she basically said. Which you’d think would cause a revolt amongst her viewers, but that would require independent thought. Because, let’s be honest, it’s much less scary to picture the classic Coca-Cola can Santa bringing white awesome to black little kids, and a beautiful, blue-eyed, Kenny Loggins Jesus while you’re braining your fellow man over a $20 Ninja blender at a store that systematically produces a poverty-stricken class of workers that are too poor to shop anywhere else. He’s always wanted that for his birthday.