Megyn Kelly’s Leaving Fox News For NBC News

“You think that stuff about Ailes’ balls was gross? Wait’ll you hear what I just found out about Roker’s chode.”

In the wake of the sexual harassment scandal that got Roger Ailes’ hamburger balls charbroiled to a crisp (I’m back, baby!), Megyn Kelly released a memoir which, in part, detailed her own harassment. She also happened to be at the tail end of her contract, was proving to be a consistent threat to Bill O’Reilly’s dominance at the network — which he of course acted like a pissy bitch about, and also watched Fox News upper management restructure with nothing but Ailes sycophants after his departure. On top of all of that, despite the bullshit canard that she and Trump made nice, she was also facing the reality of continuing to be one of the prominent mouthpieces for the propaganda wing of Tan Clown Enterprises, which is now daring North Korea to nuke us. Total shock that she’s ditching Fox for NBC, right? The New York Times reports:

The NBC News chairman, Andrew Lack, wooed Ms. Kelly away from Fox News by offering her a triple role in which she will host her own daytime news and discussion program, anchor an in-depth Sunday night news show and take regular part in the network’s special political programming and other big-event coverage.

And here’s the part where I find the choice quote that sticks the landing on all that shit I just speculated up there about how Megyn Kelly left Fox News because she didn’t want to fluff the orange micropenis into the tiny fear boner that will kill us all.

One person briefed on Ms. Kelly’s deliberations said that Mr. Lack, the NBC News chairman, won over Ms. Kelly by starting the talks with a question about what she was seeking, instead of flatly offering possibilities. He then came back with a deal that was tailored to her preferences. A daytime show would give her a schedule that would allow her to see her children off to school and to have dinner with them and her husband, Douglas Brunt, a novelist.

No, this can’t be right. There has to be more! *watches crack form in leftist pride* She just wants to spend more time with her kids? But I can relate to that! *watches words on protest banner start to disappear* She’s not even willing to burn a bridge on her way out despite being one of the highest paid news anchors of all time, because in this economy it’s insane to limit future unemployment no matter how many sets of ground sirloin nuts you have to look at? *friend requests every asshole cousin I deleted after the election, because maybe, just maybe I’m starting to understand how the abject horror of this shit is making people crazy*

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