MEGAN FOX IN A BIKINI (Insert fireworks here)

Megan Fox is featured in the latest issue of GQ and why the hell am I even typing? Here’s a story Megan told during her interview about how, at 18, she dated a female stripper named Nikita. For the five people who will actually look at the text:

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided — oh man, sorry, mommy! — that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop,” said Fox. “I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita.”
Fox said Nikita would do “these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads.” The actress also said she would bring the Russian stripper gifts and try to inspire her to quit her line of work.

Jesus. If Megan Fox can’t get a stripper off the pole with gifts, there’s no hope for the rest of us. Great, now what am I supposed to do with these pots and pans I bought for “Phoenix” down at the Crazy Horse? And before you judge me, I originally tried luring her in with promises of an ironing board, but I ran out of dollar bills before we hit the porch and she ran off.

Photos: GQ