Here’s How Great Banging Megan Fox Was For Brian Austin Green

“It was a simple equation, really. Sex times alimony over listening to her speak. The numbers were always in my fav- What’s that? Nope, we’re fine. She barely understands English, let alone math. Where was I? Right! Dumbass’s money…”

Brian Austin Green got to bang Megan Fox for over a decade. Granted, he followed The Beef and Michael Bay’s Ferrari’s detailer, but that’s not bad for the least likable and most forgettable character from Beverly Hills 90210. Anyway, their marriage is over because Megan never lost the ability to speak, but it looks like everything’s still coming up Silver because she’s probably going to have to pay him spousal support. Via TMZ:

We’re told Brian has worked very little since last December, when he was in a head-on collision. As we reported, Brian and Megan were driving when they were hit by a drunk driver who was arrested. Brian says the guy was going around 50 MPH and it was severe enough for the airbags to deploy.
At the time of the accident TMZ was told Brian and Megan were not injured. But now we’re told the accident triggered a serious medical condition … vertigo, which affects balance.
Our sources say Brian’s vertigo is so bad he can’t get out of bed. We’re told he hasn’t worked since the accident.

“Vertigo? Well played…” – Kevin Federline, lifting a martini glass full of nacho cheese

The fact that Brian Austin Green is going to live comfortably off of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles money is sad and hilarious at the same time. They already took a thing everyone loved and shit CGI into it until it was unrecognizable. But at the same time, they used it to force Megan Fox back into making the exact kind of soulless big budget movies she swore she’d never do again, and the profits from which she’ll now share with her ex-husband. Is that one of Jesus’ miracles from The Bible? Or did he preach heavily against toe-thumbed demons? I could never stay awake in CCD.

And, yup, I picked the pregnant ones. It was the BAG’s finishing move after all.

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