Megan Fox Is Crazier Than Any of Us Realized

By: The Superficial / January 15, 2013

Megan Fox is the cover interview for the February issue of Esquire and, holy shit, is this thing a piece of work. Turns out when she’s not burdened with the arduous task of using her looks to make millions of dollars, Megan Fox spends most of her days preparing for the biblical End Times which she believes the Internet is a sign of. (Then again, maybe.) She’s also a regular churchgoer, but thanks to being famous, she has to restrain herself from speaking in the secret language of Heaven, so naturally, the interview starts with her agreeing her life is just like being an Aztec human sacrifice. No, really, you have to read this thing. Unless you’re a sucker who’s actually doing his/her job, in which case, some highlights:

On the End Times:
“I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times. … It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist? … When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it’s the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?”

On how, surprise, she’s been a crazy Pentacostal Christian this whole time:
“I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I’ve seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I’d have to shut it off because I don’t know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back. It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I’m going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you’re not thinking because you have no idea what you’re saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can’t control it. The idea is that it’s a language that only God understands. It’s the language that’s spoken in heaven.”

But don’t worry she believes a lot of other insane shit, too:
“I feel like there’s stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were,” she says. Ancient aliens who gave rise to ancient civilizations on earth. “I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy. … I believe in all of this stuff. I believe in all of it…. I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people’s imaginations…”

So for the record, Megan Fox is a speaking-in-tongues, End Times-believing Christian who also thinks aliens helped build civilization and leprechauns were real once. Apparently the only thing she doesn’t believe in is Hell because that’s where she’s going based on her belief system. Unless, of course, Jesus is a huge Ancient Aliens fan. “Dude, I’m not like saying saying my dad didn’t make everything. I’m just saying, what if he didn’t? Now, where’d that box of Lucky Charms go? Shit was right here…”

Photo: Esquire