Megan Fox Is Crazier Than Any of Us Realized

January 15th, 2013 // 85 Comments
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Megan Fox is the cover interview for the February issue of Esquire and, holy shit, is this thing a piece of work. Turns out when she’s not burdened with the arduous task of using her looks to make millions of dollars, Megan Fox spends most of her days preparing for the biblical End Times which she believes the Internet is a sign of. (Then again, maybe.) She’s also a regular churchgoer, but thanks to being famous, she has to restrain herself from speaking in the secret language of Heaven, so naturally, the interview starts with her agreeing her life is just like being an Aztec human sacrifice. No, really, you have to read this thing. Unless you’re a sucker who’s actually doing his/her job, in which case, some highlights:

On the End Times:
“I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times. … It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist? … When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it’s the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?”

On how, surprise, she’s been a crazy Pentacostal Christian this whole time:
“I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I’ve seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I’d have to shut it off because I don’t know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back. It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I’m going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you’re not thinking because you have no idea what you’re saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can’t control it. The idea is that it’s a language that only God understands. It’s the language that’s spoken in heaven.”

But don’t worry she believes a lot of other insane shit, too:
“I feel like there’s stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were,” she says. Ancient aliens who gave rise to ancient civilizations on earth. “I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy. … I believe in all of this stuff. I believe in all of it…. I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people’s imaginations…”

So for the record, Megan Fox is a speaking-in-tongues, End Times-believing Christian who also thinks aliens helped build civilization and leprechauns were real once. Apparently the only thing she doesn’t believe in is Hell because that’s where she’s going based on her belief system. Unless, of course, Jesus is a huge Ancient Aliens fan. “Dude, I’m not like saying saying my dad didn’t make everything. I’m just saying, what if he didn’t? Now, where’d that box of Lucky Charms go? Shit was right here…”

Photo: Esquire

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  1. Sliver

    Whoa. That’s all.

  2. Chinaman

    She who stand on toilet, high on pot

  3. britneysneers

    meh.

  4. AnnaD.

    She tries to not sound like a dumb bimbo (since that’s what most women are stereotyped as if they life off their looks alone) by blabbing about all kinds of subjects, pretending she’s this spiritual, enlightened person. Unfortunately none of it makes a lick of sense.
    She sounds like a dumb bimbo on weed.

  5. Nonny Moose

    So I’m two for two in the “I’d stick it in teh crazy” playoffs today.

  6. Frank Burns

    Yah, but tits.

  7. Mel Gibson just jizzed in his pants.

  8. Tom Cruise must be foaming at the mouth.

  9. Joe Mahma

    If she was sitting on my face, I think I’d somehow be OK with all that.

  10. Schmidtler

    I think she’s mistaking having hit the genetic lottery with being an actually worthwhile person who has been chosen for some special purpose by a higher power. Someone should clue her in that her only special purpose is showing off her hot body and shutting the hell up.

    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      If you look at her pre-plastic surgery photos, you’ll know she didn’t strike the genetic jackpot. What she struck, was a miracle-working plastic surgeon.

  11. I feel dirty after reading that. Not just for the batshit crazy interview, but because the pictures do not match the words. It’s really sad, in a crackhouse whore kind of way. She should just move to rural Arkansas and prepare for the apocalypse.

  12. Esquire should just print more sexy photos of her as all that mag space and ink just seems a waste for the coy?

  13. duder

    Shouldn’t she be clutching a minimum of seven cats?

  14. People like this make being a not-insane Christian more of a challenge.

  15. elephantman

    She’s married to a dork!

  16. Stylighter

    “And you just start speaking, but you’re not thinking because you have no idea what you’re saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can’t control it.”

    I half-want to tell her that it’s not the language of heaven, that’s just how she talks, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise for her, nor ruin the fun for the rest of us, so let’s just all keep this our little secret.

  17. poopnut

    So she’s a Christian and believes what Christians do. Sorry, but that does not make her “more crazy”. That makes her a Christian, and yes they can be nutty. But come on now with the Super Liberal stuff! It’s like automatic disposal of any other thought. She wasn’t attacking anyone, but you are. I’m a liberal but it’s this hate towards others on both sides I cannot stand. ejole frijoles

    • JC

      Dude, she’s talking about aliens and leprechauns. Even the evangelicals are all like, “Praise Jesus, but btich be crazy.”

  18. This is why people become Scientologist, cause they can say crazy stuff and no one thinks anything of it.

  19. j-sin

    I’d still hit it!

  20. cc

    I wonder how long before we are referring to her bf as the ‘late Brian Austin Green’.

  21. reinhard heidrich

    gas her and all the rest of the self absorbed,self important hollywood fuckwads.

  22. Hey, what’s wrong with speaking in tongues, other than you’re out of your fucking mind.

  23. Sounds like she says “suck on my titty at 27 seconds,”

    lol

  24. USDA Prime McBeef

    Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

    Leviticus 19:28

  25. the other JC

    I think she’s doing this shit to try and keep us at bay…. it ain’t workin’.

  26. grobpilot

    So, she’s a Christian and still showing her tits to us for money? Gotta love hypocrisy.

  27. The perfect illustration of the kind of shit a guy will put up with if the girl is hot enough.

  28. zomgbie

    lol @ an indepth interview with megan fox.
    lolol @ reading an in-depth interview with megan fox.

  29. mike

    Without knowing how much they edited those comments she actually sounds more like that smart guy from junior high who discovered weed and Tool in grade 10. I can’t believe I am seriousposting this but I bet if she put the bong down and did something with her brain besides surfing the internet, she’d do okay.

    • Confusus

      If she were the smart kid who discovered Tool and weed this interview would be filled with third-hand Nietzsche misquotes, maybe sprinkled with a bit of the Zinn And Chomsky Explain It All phase coming in college.

      No, Megan Fox sounds more like the dreamy art kid who went on to take way too much acid before completely frying her brain in the sun at that commune in the desert.

  30. Nelson Mandela

    Did Jebus tell her to get so much plastic surgery that she went from being really cute to looking like a grey alien/asian hybrid?

  31. Well alrighty then. Steps away slowly from Megan Fox.

  32. Cock Dr

    Well I knew she was way crazy.
    Check out at that guy that she’s been shacked up with for the last decade. He looks like a pig farmer.

  33. Chris

    I always thought her boobs were bigger, they are quite small here.

  34. inkydink

    how much plastic surgery has this woman had? she looks nothing like her former self and looks very plastic and kind of weird in a beautiful way. not a good look

  35. 1. If you’re really a Christian, which means you view your body as a gift God gave you and so, you’re suppose to be accepting of who/what God gave you, why do you keep with the plastic surgery? Also Christians are suppose to be modest which also does not = plastic surgery – especially to the point of addiction.
    2. There has always been unheaval in the Middle East. If war in the ME means the End of Times, it has always been the end of times.
    3. Saying you beleive in multiple philosophies only means you don’t really beleive in any of them – um, b/c they totally conflict w/each other.

  36. me

    I’m with Mike. She’s clearly on a path, and will someday look back at this with more wisdom. At least she says exactly what’s on her mind and doesn’t feed the masses what they want to hear. I’m just wondering why she’s in such an early stage at her age?? Better late than never.

  37. Megan Fox has never done well with interviews. She has absolutley NO filter that says “Hey, maybe I shouldn’t say that!”. You’d think after getting fired from Transformers 3 for calling Micheal Bay a nazi in an interview might have taught her that her words can really have an impact on her image….

  38. Moo Cow Hunter

    Surprisingly, she’s right. She speaks without thinking, having no idea what she’s saying. She obviously can’t control it. So everybody now thinks she’s a LUNATIC! – And you thought she was full of herself.

  39. Jay

    Ugh, what is with this whore? Suck it up, honey, “This is 40″ just bombed and your little interview with Esquire makes you look even more foolish. I guess you need more money to keep shooting up that good ol’ heroin, huh? Let’s just hope that stash sends you into a relapse so we don’t hear any of your Christianity babble. We’ll have an all-night dance to celebrate your departure from societty.

  40. Jay

    Hopefully the next time she goes into plastic surgery, some doctor spikes the anesthesia with plenty of horse tranquilizer and special k that it’ll be the last we hear from her.

  41. Jay

    Or maybe the success of the next Transformers movie will do her in.

  42. Mike

    Are we seriously still doing news stories on Megan Fox? Wasn’t this supposed to stop after she got fired from “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”? Who cares, move along? Then we won’t have to worry about what shit she says every month?

  43. Nick

    Holy haters..miserable with your own little lives you gotta rip on someone cuz her beliefs are outside your comfort zone? In this world of celebrity worship, take a little time to do some creative research for your news piece and maybe you’ll see some of the weight behind the things she says. Guess its too much to ask of useless sheeple that spend time on a site celebrating superficiality.

    • Actually, since her “beliefs” are a grab-bag amalgam of doctrinal high points that are – to put it kindly – wildly contradictory, the fact that you’re riding to the rescue screaming “no fair, just cuz it’s out of your comfort zone” just shows that you’re a fuckwit who has no idea how the religions she’s wholesale borrowing from restrict those “comfort zones”. For example, the fact that she confuses the numerous languages that were spoken during the Pentacost and the “tongues” that the faithful are moved to speak in with “the language that’s spoken in heaven”, means she has absolutely no grasp of its religious significance. And in spite of her claim to have read Revelation, it’s painfully obvious from that statement she hasn’t read anything else.

      As to your phrase “creative research” – well, it’s right up there with your worshipful statement of “weight behind the things she says”. And by “weight” I assume you mean “an actual shit-ton of crap that strains her ramblings at the seams”?

      Because, see, the chirpy phrase “I like believing” in no way indicates that Ms. Fox has any sense of discrimination, discernment, or even any sort of comprehension in her search for spirituality, so she truly deserves whatever critique she gets, especially since she’s not a child any more. It’s like a compulsive glutton deciding to be a restaurant critic – since they’ll literally eat anything that’s put in front of them without restraint, there’s no bloody sense in their determination of which dishes are the most savoury, or who best prepares them. Oatmeal or NY strip, it’s all equally yummy, especially when served on the same plate at the same time.

      And lastly, rebuking other posters as “sheeple” for deciding she’s full of it, or, in your words “being superficial” on a site called The Superficial that you, yourself, are posting on really hits the irony jackpot.

  44. What a pretentious idiot. That interview was pure drivel. The authour keeps making these ridiculous allusions. “The last American Bombshell” STFU. Sounds like he/she’s trying to get into Megan’s pants.

    It’s very obvious to me that Megan’s biggest problem is that she realizes that she thought she was one of a kind, then got to Hollywood and realized she was just another face in the crowd. She reminds me of Mena Suvari’s character in “American Beauty” She desperately wants to special and resents the fact that she’s just as average as everyone else. Completely pathetic.

  45. CuriousTroll

    It’s too bad these ‘celebrities’ don’t worry about what’s inside their heads. They spend millions of dollars fixing up and polish a body that holds 20 gallons of putrid shit. Why don’t they use their money to go to a good university so they can have the stupid beaten out of them? I will never understand. In the mean time, thank you for making me feel better about myself yet again, the superficial.

  46. What a coincidence! Sometimes looking at Megan Fox *I* have the feeling of a lot of energy coming through the top of my head and my whole body filling with electric current! Well, one of my heads, anyway.

  47. Who would have thought that a slack jawed, vacant eyed chick who takes her clothes off to get people to pay attention to her would have nothing interesting to say.

  48. Amanda

    If she were enlightened, she would not be going to a church or calling herself a Christian. Every enlightened being knows religion is just another veil. She’s cute though. Reminds me so much of myself its freaking scary. Except I’m very intelligent.

  49. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    She didn’t mention the Pleiadians or Annunaki. Any self-respecting alien believer has to slip in the 2 big kahunas of the extraterrestrial realm.

  50. whatthe

    What I don’t understand is why anyone would want to read an interview with that empty-headed twat? Are you really that bored and have that much time to waste?

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