Megan Fox Communicates With Her Fetus Now
“Hey mom, who’s my dad? Is he someone cool, like an astronaut or a war hero?”
“He’s giving you a kiss right now, sweetie.”
“Oh, no. Oh, hell to the fucking no.”
Am I seriously going to keep reusing the pregnant bikini photos? You’re goddamn right I am. So, remember back when Megan Fox used to do all kinds of crazy shit like say Michael Bay was Hitler and had sex with Shia LaBeouf? Well, that Megan Fox is back, because she recently told Jimmy Kimmel that she’s now basing important life decisions on instructions given to her by her unborn child. And that’s just one of the batshit statements she made about motherhood and parenting, so I will now take the rest of them out of context and translate them through my own lens of experience with the very same subject. Enjoy.
“Megan said her sons, Noah Shannon Green, 3, and Bodhi Ransom Green, 2, are excited to welcome another sibling. ‘I’ve showed them with a baby doll how the baby is going to turn upside down. They know where the baby is coming out. They know all that.'”
Translation: Did she forcefully shove the baby doll through those boys’ favorite toy, smashing it into a violent and unrecognizable state? Then they know fuck-all about “that.”
Megan said she, like many moms, is apt to “forget” the pain of childbirth. “You get temporary amnesia in order to further the human race,” she explained, “otherwise there would be no people left.”
Translation: Hey guys, when your wife is in labor, comfort her by saying “Don’t sweat it, babe. You won’t even remember this pain later!” At least you’re already in the hospital for when she hulks out and strangles you with a fetal heart monitor.
During a previous Jimmy Kimmel Live! appearance, Megan confessed that she’s been able to communicate with her children while they’re still in the womb. “You don’t hear an audible voice, but I feel like you receive messages from the child if you’re open to it.”
Translation: The child mostly has a lot of questions about decor for the nursery, whether or not our cars are big enough, and how involved his paternal grandmother expects to be in this whole process. Also, the child wants all of this to be discussed at length with his father, if possible just as he’s drifting off to sleep.
“For instance, this baby wanted me to live somewhere else, so we’re moving to a whole different place in Los Angeles because I feel like that’s where this baby wants to be raised.”
Translation: Did you see the pictures they posted on Facebook of their new house? How much could they possibly be making?
“I also feel like this baby is telling me it’s kind of like a Wernher von Braun or an Elon Musk, like a super genius,” she said, referring to the engineers. Thankfully, Brian is “OK” with following Megan’s maternal instincts. “He trusts me at this point because I’ve made so many good calls.”
Translation: Sometimes I feel like you’re just agreeing with me so I’ll stop talking.
“I know it sounds crazy, like I’m a lunatic, but I’ve made some really good decisions based on what I think the higher self is telling me to do. So, now he just goes along with it.”
Translation: I control the sex parts, a piece of leverage I will forever use to achieve whatever insane whim I may have. Speaking of which, do you think the shape of these blinds is weird?