Matthew McConaughey shouldn’t be allowed in a delivery room

July 23rd, 2008 // 37 Comments

Matthew McConaughey’s longtime girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their son Levi Alves McConaughey on July 7, and two weeks later, they popped him on the cover of OK! Magazine for a cool $3 mil. Thankfully, unlike the Jessica Alba and Jamie Lynn bullshit fests, this one is full of Matthew McConaughey ridiculousness. Turns out the dude’s idea of Lamaze is throwing a rave between a woman’s legs while she’s giving birth. You can’t make this stuff up. Scope out the highlights:

On coaching Camila:
“We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.”

On finding out it was a boy:
“I said, ‘Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we’d been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila].”

On how long he’s wanted to be a dad:
“I have it all chronicled. Becoming a dad is something I’ve dreamed of doing since I was 10. Becoming a father felt very, very natural. We were jamming!”

I will admit their baby is probably the cutest one I’ve had to look at during Celeb Uterus Summer Slam ’08. Of course, I’m only saying that because Levi will grow up to be Earth’s warrior king after he defeats the invading Martian army with a battle axe. Or he’ll get really baked and live in a van on the beach with a pet ostrich. It’s a toss up.

superficial

  1. Why oh why were these 2 morons allowed to breed???

    And, any of you who buy those shit rags that pay these dumbass celebs millions for baby pics deserve to die a million deaths! Or, be forced to listen to a Jessica Simpson country concert.

  2. mer

    Congratulations! :D

  3. Hey, as long as he didn’t welcome the kid into the world with a weed shotgun, I don’t have an issue with it.

  4. Holy dogshit! Matt is fucking gone.

  5. no thanks

    Even here he looks stoned. But hey I guess the whole birthing process is pretty rad when you’re high, rad or really realy scarry.

    His face is all ” you snuggle up to me sugar pie and hold our little babay, I’ll look into the camera with my signature smoulder because I’m the star, you two are just accesories to my radness.”

  6. One

    God is Matthew Mcconaughey annoying; I just want to punch him in his piehole. And I think he had it wrong when he said he had it all “chronicled”…what I think he meant was he has all the chronic…

  7. Karma

    Haha, you’re 100% right #5.
    Also Britney Spears is officially hotter than Katie Holmes now! One down, 5,999,999,999 to go!

  8. sixpack

    he is such a strange individual. That Godawful Texas twang doesn’t help either.

  9. pat

    Who actually buys a magazine because there’s a celebrity’s baby on the cover? Must be someone, I guess, or the magazines wouldn’t pay that much money, but I can’t see why any person would find that interesting enough to buy. Anybody here do that?

  10. Papahotnuts

    4-1 odds he gets bombed on some Deep South chronic one late night, mistakes the baby for a Hot Pocket, and puts it in the microwave for 1minute.

  11. Too much

    G D that’s some funny ass shit! Earth’s Warrior king!!!!!

  12. mer

    This just in: ALL NEWBORNS LOOK IDENTICAL.

  13. veggi

    Cute baby boy. Too bad in a few years Matt’s gonna sexually abuse him.

  14. dude_on

    The amazing thing about the cover is that he has a shirt on.

    -I’m not amazed at all that he hardly mentioned his girlfriend’s contributions to the birthing process. Dude is all about dude in a genuine phony sort of way.

  15. crazy

    “We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.”

    Possibly the most ridiculous five sentences ever spoken.

  16. Check out this cover of OK mag cover, with _______ and her baby. Think she looks the same after the pregnancy? She still is fine though! http://urbanthoughtcollective.com/images/gallery/cover02/cover06.jpg

  17. Is he perma-fried or does he have to take the peyote every day?? Just wondering.

  18. giier

    #10 – LMAO. That’s some funny shit.

  19. Mo

    If anyone had played a tune while I was in labor, I would have KILLED them. That is one SUPER patient woman.

  20. Ted from LA

    How old is Matt? 12?

  21. monkeyfightclub

    100% chance he had his shirt off in the delivery room.

  22. havoc

    I don’t know how well this kid’s going to do in life.

    You know, with fucking Shaggy from Scooby Doo as his father……

    .

  23. justifiable

    “We” danced to it? I guarandamntee you that while SHE was giving birth this brainbaked idiot corndog was the only one dancing. It’s all about “I” — and even when he gets generous and says “we”, he means “I”. What a fucking egoist. Good luck kid, your old man’s an chicken fried assmop.

  24. twzzlrgirl

    He was dancing to the rhythm of the contractions?? wtf??? I don’t care how cute he is, he is a frickin’ moron.

    I would have calmly blown his head off and then asked for more drugs.

  25. eastcoastgirl

    He’s the poster child for arrested development. I thinnk Matt has killed way too many brain cells.

  26. ApacheRose

    To be fair, the ‘Fish guy only posted the most ridiculous quotes. Matt is a moron (a pretty moron, but still a moron) but he had other stuff to say than that up there.

  27. justifiable

    “I want my son to be little cooler than me”. Just a little, because I’m the really important and coool one. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus.
    And I swear if they CAT scanned this guy ‘s brain they’d get an echo.

  28. The Regulator

    God, is he an idiot. Like a hippie caveman with rocks for brains. I will never understand why other women think he’s so hot.

  29. Clem

    This guy is about a relevant as flared trousers – WTF is anyone interested in him. I can’t think of a single less-than-toilet film he’s been in.

  30. justifiable

    #30 That’s because he’s a crap actor, he essentially plays himself in every trite film he’s in. He can’t carry any of them on his own, without Kate Hudson he’d be out of work..

  31. Ted from LA

    Unk tondor.

  32. Lindalou

    alright honey, scootch over, turn sideways, there I got my arm all the way around her! quick! take the picture my shoulder is gonna blow!

  33. Cute couple. They appear to be happy. But I saw his personal ID on wealthy men personals site “”"”"NYwealthyMatch . c o m”"”"” yesterday. What is he looking for on that site? Looking for sugarbabe?

  34. agent zero

    This takes baby pimping to a whole new level. Matthew McConaughey is “one-upping” Larry Birkhead here and is actually selling the story of his child’s birth. Not just pictures of her infancy or experiences…her actual entrance into the world. And is anyone surprised that his story is absolutely insane? There must be something in the water out in Cali.

  35. Cathy Viviano

    Matthew McConaughey is annoying

  36. Cathy Viviano

    Matthew McConaughey is annoying

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