Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz split

June 2nd, 2006 // 546 Comments
matthew-cruz-split.jpg

Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz have decided to separate. In a joint statement they say they’ve “decided to take time off as a couple. Due to busy work schedules and so much time apart, they mutually decided four weeks ago that separating was the best thing to do at this time.” Plus the stench of weed coming out of McConaughey’s house was probably a little overpowering for Cruz. And sure, the late night nude bongo sessions were fun at first, but it takes a little more than that to keep a woman interested. Although don’t ask me why. I see a naked woman playing with her bongos and she’s won my heart forever. Get it? Bongos? It’s like you’re in eighth grade all over again!

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  1. Seamus Begonia Smell

    was bound to happen

  2. Fa Cube Itches

    Since when has Penelope Cruz had a career? I think William Holden gets more work than her.

  3. Fa Cube Itches

    And how did Krisdylee not get “first”??? Fingers must be too occupied elsewhere to get to the keyboard in time.

  4. Grobpilot

    Does Penelope Cruz remind anyone else of a chihuahua, or is it just me?

  5. mcgirleygirl

    She misses Tom Cruise. It’s easier to remember a last name when it’s the same as hers. Too many letters in McConaughey. Damn though….she’s cute….

  6. I’ve always thought he could do better.

  7. Iambananas

    He is the most beautiful man in the entire world. Did you see him on Oprah yesterday? Wow. Now that’s a man.

  8. Iambananas

    Who’s William Holden?

  9. hurley

    he has an oddly shaped head. lumpy, maybe mishapen, something odd with the placement of the ears.

  10. Ari

    Fa Cube–Check your email, hon. I have a question for you.

  11. hurley

    William Holden’s dead apparently. So #2 is saying she gets less work than a 25-year old corpse.
    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000034/

  12. Fa Cube Itches

    Thanks Hurley :)

  13. amy

    YAY!:)

  14. Fa Cube Itches

    Although I’m going to regret asking this….

    #7: Some time ago, I vaguely recall you arguing pretty strenuously that you aren’t female. However, today you state:

    “He is the most beautiful man in the entire world. Did you see him on Oprah yesterday? Wow. Now that’s a man.”

    Quo vadis?

  15. BoredStiff

    Good News! That should free up some time for him to get started on that highly anticipated sequel of “Two for the Money”

  16. Ari

    If you know you’ll regret something, why’d you do it? You know better than that.

  17. Supermodelmom1

    …Loooove William Holden and that fine-azz Matt.

    …Hate Penelope. She needs to work on her English.

  18. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    Mmmmmm Matthew McConaughey…*Homer voice*

  19. Fa Cube Itches

    Ari: Bored enough to do it in this case….

  20. Ari

    Hey, Feed_Me! Umm.. did you get a message from me?

    Fa– let them eat cake? ;)

  21. Ari

    I don’t really know much about Penelope, except that she’s teensy and seems to have an unfortunate habit of doing something to her hair that makes it bigger than the entire rest of her body… but any woman that lets a man like that out of her grasp is clearly not thinking straight.

    Of course, she did date Tom Cruise for a while, so… I don’t know what I was expecting.

  22. Fa Cube Itches

    Ari: Yup! *licks off strategically placed frosting* Nummers!

  23. Teufelhund

    @17. She could speak Swahili, with a thick Russian accent, and I wouldn’t mind, …

    http://www.heavenlycelebrities.com/penelope_main.html

  24. Fa Cube Itches

    15: That will have to wait for “Wedding Planner 2: Why Won’t My Agent Call Me?” although that’s still really more of a J-Ho vehicle.

  25. Ari

    22– My lovely man. I do so love raunchy lawyers.

  26. tsarinaamanda

    @14-

    Allow me to answer that. He is GAY. GAY, GAY, GAY!!! But he’s probably in denial of that fact, which would explain the constant hostility, stupidity, and possibly the annoying, retarded posts. I don’t know HOW it all ties together, but I suspect it does. Point being, HWMNBN and his alter-ego are gay, and they are retards. And I hope they get their ass beat by the whole damn gay pride parade for denying their true sexuality.

  27. Fa Cube Itches

    Pure as the driven slush, I am!

  28. krisdylee

    WHO cares if he’s gay…. Italian, Papa, BigJim, Tranny, they looove the girl-on-girl… why can’t I love the guy-on-guy…

    it’s hot, I tell you.

    Hot.

    Wait,

    Jake and Matthew.

    oh, fuck me, dear jaysus….

  29. blueballs

    why do stars have to issue press releases when they split? Do they issue press releases when they fart or queef? My god am I sick of hollywood stars.

    btw, i am 29th…woo hoo!!!

  30. krisdylee

    see, I loooove clit-on-slit action, so why not a couple-o’-cocks, wrangling around for first place???

    Hot.

  31. Fa Cube Itches

    26: When I used to work in D.C., a group of lesbians held a protest rally (for God knows what) on Capital Hill. One group was actually pretty funny – they all came in combat boots, fatigue pants, and blue t-shirts that said “TWAT Team” in yellow on the back.

  32. krisdylee

    I just farted, blueballs…. cool, huh.

  33. Ari

    Fa–if you’re pure anything, it’s evil. And I’m a virgin.

    kris– I prefer the guy-on-girl-on-guy myself…

    It’s a fun fantasy to play with, at any rate.

  34. Fa Cube Itches

    32: Quick! Give him the ol’ “Dutch Oven”!

  35. Fa Cube Itches

    Ari: Don’t let the horns, tail, and cloven feet fool you. They’re mostly cosmetic, anyway. Mostly.

  36. Derek Swanson

    #28.

    “WHO cares if he’s gay…. Italian, Papa, BigJim, Tranny, they looove the girl-on-girl… why can’t I love the guy-on-guy…”

    You’re confused. Those blokes love the guy-on-guy thing as much as you do. More. Much more. A lot.

    #26. Him too.

  37. Toonlite

    Penelope left Matthew because she is getting busy with Selma Hayek…plus she hates bongos and liked playing with Selma’s Bongos PLUS after going out with Tom Cruise she has never been right….sad really

    http://fadedyouth.blogspot.com/2006/02/brokeback-cowgirls.html

    That’s right…ah-huh…

  38. Ari

    32– well, I know I feel better having been told.

    35– soooooo… did you get to the dry cleaners? Evil tease.

  39. Fa Cube Itches

    33: Fan of the Wavey-H, huh?

  40. Fa Cube Itches

    38: Yup. Got the tie undone and the collar open now. Woo-hoo! Weekend outfit.

  41. Ari

    I’m just extraordinarily demanding…

  42. colormeskanky

    i think it was their accents that drew them together, but afterwhile it also drove them apart…eventually matthew hired a translator and learned that penelope was had been leaving messages on his voicemail for months, informing him of various sexual escapades that would be keeping her from seeing him that evening. and penelope was informed by a friend that matthew’s frequent “joking” about going off for the weekend to do some “brokebackin’” was a red flag.

  43. HarryNipples

    Oh God he is so hot…

    I would crawl a mile over broken glass to throw pebbles at his shit…

    And #30, Krisdy, oh heavens, my leotards are wet yet again – I think I’m in love…

  44. PoolNoodle

    these two shouldnt even be featured!

  45. HarryNipples

    I heard he’s got a big schlong – but then I think that about all celebs – does this mean he’s available??

  46. SagaciousSteph

    I’ve always considered him to be pretty hot, particularly when he’s shirtless. But in that mug shot his hairline is definitely receding. Next comes the beer belly. Won’t be long now…

  47. ptprez

    penelope is the eldest child of a hairdresser and auto mechanic…

    her mother must be the mechanic because that mop on her head looks like it was thrown together with two lug wrentches and a can of 10w 30…

  48. ptprez

    46

    in 4 years he’ll look like kelsey grammer…

  49. perfectanglovesgodlol

    i comment #43 ewwww gross and sick yuck

  50. ptprez

    28
    because guys stick penises in other guys…

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