Mattel’s New Ken Doll Has A Man Bun And Is Looking For Barista Work

“You can always count on me, Barbie… Unless it comes between me and my art, I think once we put out our sixth EP things are going to start really turning around for me and the band.”

Mattel is sick and tired of getting shit for perpetuating homogenized gender norms and confusing kids about sexual anatomy. You’ve probably been aware that for the past few decades the Barbie line has been making their dolls “more realistic” to try and cover their ass as woke millennials start to reproduce. Now Ken is getting a makeover line that includes cornrows, emo-glasses, and manbuns.

Dolls have always given me the creeps. After seeing movies like Child’s Play and Puppet Master at a far too impressionable age (thanks, mom) it kind of ruined it for me. Honorable book mention goes to R.L. Stine’s Night of The Living Dummy (one of the few Goosebumps titles that wasn’t utter shit). There was a bit of a doll-movie renaissance a few years back with Dead Silence and Annabelle but it didn’t seem to stick. That’s because it’s hard to keep convincing people that you can’t just go up and punt a knife-wielding babydoll across a room and run away.

That being said, when I see people getting passionate about collecting/making dolls I immediately stamp them with a fat “no thanks”. A category of humanity that includes people who eat pizza with a fork and knife, listen to Shinedown, or use the word “chill” as an adjective.