Mary-Kate Olsen off the hook, Feds close Heath Ledger case

August 7th, 2008 // 27 Comments

Mary-Kate Olsen is free to murder another young actor in his prime. (Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook.) Federal prosecutors have decided not to pursue a criminal case regarding Heath Ledger’s acquisition of prescription painkillers and sleeping pills, according to the AP:

Prosecutors in the U.S. attorney’s office in Manhattan had been overseeing a Drug Enforcement Administration probe into whether the painkillers found in Ledger’s system were obtained illegally. But the prosecutors have bowed out “because they don’t believe there’s a viable target,” said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because no charges have been filed.

And by “they don’t believe there’s a viable target” they obviously mean “Candace Cameron’s decapitated head arrived in a box this morning.”


  1. Roxy the Killer

    Woo, she’s free.

  2. Roxy the Killer

    PS: Yay First!

  3. idl3mind

    it’s a conspiracy! michelle williams and mary-kate wanted him D-E-A-D!

  4. veggi

    “they don’t believe there’s a viable target”

    That’s certainly not what Jake Gyllenhaal said when he arrived at the apartment and found Heath’s still-warm corpse lying naked – and on his stomach! – in the bed.

  5. It was Matilda. She got fed up with having such a no-good deadbeat pussy for a “dad”.

  6. zegabe

    i need a cold drink it’s so warm over here.

    how’s the weather by you?
    i’m asking cuz it would be way more interesting to know than anything i read until now about this psychodwarf.

    thanks and lemme know

  7. So… they closed the (ahem) ledger on Heath..?



  8. Cattyluo

    She is fashionable.I saw her profile on M i l l i o n a i r e 4 m e . c o m —-She is so hot on this site.It is said the prosecutors have bowed out “because they don’t believe there’s a viable target,” according to the official reported.More details were found on this site.

  9. They should still prosecute her for her fashion sense.

  10. QA GUY

    The real tragedy here is that NO ONE would dare take Ledger’s place as The Joker. He had the last laugh.

  11. toolboy

    Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook. Seriously, someone go sprinkle some coke on Dane and then tell Mary-Kate “there more inside of him”…

  12. ……………………..SHE STILL DID IT!! (case closed)

  13. cranky

    I’d eat a bucket of shit to get at her bunghole.

  14. P-Mat

    She’s basically got him an oscar (awards pending.) Wasn’t that what he wanted?

  15. Cluedo_Gamer

    It was Professor Plum, with the trouser trout, in the kitchen. Am i right? Do I win anything?

  16. is mary kate the one in last season’s Weeds? where the fuck is that other one? ashley? i couldn’t tell the difference between them when they were 6 months old and i can’t now.

  17. dementa

    Don’t worry, karma will catch up to that little creepoid for her part in this. I imagine she’ll be reincarnated as a nasty, creepy, soulless, troll-faced, insectile, talentless little whore who’ll be washed up by the time she finishes puberty…

    … wait… hold on…

  18. In other news, Mary-Kate needs to step on a treadmill or something. Her legs have absolutely no tone whatsoever, leading me to believe the rumors that she really is an 80 year old women…

  19. Amorphous

    Yeah the little rich (why are these whores worth all that money while so many scrape by who are skilled and more intelligent?) piece of shit has no shape really at all. I thought young people were supposed to be somewhat athletic? It will dictate how long she actually lives in the end. I am hoping not much longer.

  20. lemonysnicket

    i think its fukkin stupid people believe hes onli gonna get an oscar because he is dead bullshit yeh he probably would anyway but has any one actually seen the dark knight he fukkin deserves it theres a reason people dont wanna take on the role of the joker and it aint jus cus heath ledger snuffed it

  21. sameshitdifferentyear

    Why is her neck permanently slumped forward like that?

    Oh yes, all that foraging for beetles in the wilderness for years. Almost forgot. Now she can afford bananas, so she can try standing upright for a change.

  22. jonny

    yeah…..thank god the bodyguards cleaned up the crime scene before the police got there. Troll goes free!

  23. Dane Cook

    I like dane cook well his stand up that is but i couldnt give two shits for anything he does where he thinks of himself as an actor

    also heath was way better than dane is

  24. Arun Misspelling

    Q1: What will she do to the next guy — scare him to death?
    Q2: But why should she confine herself to actors? The names ‘Spencer’ and ‘Ashton’ keep coming to mind for some reason. Of course, Spencer would be found in some completely staged pose. The cops would take one look and say, “He always looks like that — it must have been natural causes.”

  25. Trish

    No viable target? Which is exactly why they wanted to talk to her without lawyers so they could pin some bullshit on her. Glad she kept her mouth shut!

  26. Jessie

    So who did she blow this time? That nasty little troll was without a doubt responsible in her own ‘friendly’ way. DO YOUR JOBS AND STOP LETTING HOLLYWOOD HO-BAGS GET AWAY WITH SHIT, including MURDER.

  27. DUUUUUUDE you all need to get a life, heath ledger died from a lethal cocktail of drugs prescribed by various DOCTORS. do you people not watch the news? and half the people bagging out heath and mary-kate are probably welfare check fucking losers, or 50 year old women way past their prime.

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