Mary-Kate Olsen called 3 times instead of 911

January 25th, 2008 // 68 Comments

The masseuse who discovered Heath Ledger’s body called Mary-Kate Olsen instead of 911 using the speed dial on Heath’s cell phone, the AP reports:

A day before a Friday private viewing for the 28-year-old actor, police said the masseuse spent nine minutes repeatedly ringing “Full House” actress Mary-Kate Olsen before calling authorities for help.
The masseuse called Olsen a fourth time after paramedics arrived — at the same time as Olsen’s security guards.

To be fair, I also call an Olsen twin in an emergency. Mostly on the off chance they’re hanging out with Dave “Uncle Joey” Coulier. Something about a gratuitous Popeye impression evens me right out. One time he even asked if I “got any wood.” I laughed and was like, “Oh, awesome, Mr. Woodchuck. Classic.” Then he awkwardly laughed and goes “Uh, yeah, right the, uh, woodchuck. Gotta go.” Comedy gold.

Photo: Splash News

  1. first

    first ..

  2. BunnyButt

    The masseuse called Mary-Kate because she couldn’t find an eleven on the phone.

  3. monkeypaws

    Unfortunately commonsense isn’t handed out with the “massage therapist” certification/license and several hundred hours of training you go through to receive your “massage therapist” certification/license. Then again since she is constantly referred to as a masseuse maybe she was a prostitute. Those of us with “massage therapist” certifications have come to think of the term masseuse as code for prostitute since there isn’t a single state or national board that calls us by the term masseuse…just the uninformed.

  4. BunnyButt

    The masseuse called Mary-Kate first because she couldn’t find an eleven on the phone.

  5. Cap'n Pickles

    Now I know. He died of Pecker ashyxiation from that tiny little hobbit cooch of hers. I expect now that she’s involved she thinks she is a big star again. Probably going to go around LA acting all “Trollier Then Thou”.

  6. I thought “3″ was the number of times she beat poor defenseless fur-bearing critters for her coats?

  7. Confused

    woah, what the hell is everyone talking about?

    Fetus Chick etc…love your short story. Where can I find the earlier installments?

  8. Confused

    woah, what the hell is everyone talking about?

    Fetus Chick etc…love your short story. Where can I find the earlier installments?

  9. Uncle Joey

    That’s funny…the Mary Kate emergency hotline…I bet Uncle Joey is actually working calls.

    but seriously…does anyone know how the west was fun?

    by far one of the funniest posters I’ve seen to date…

  10. She looks like an 11 year old Steve Tyler.

  11. Sauron

    She called 3 times instead of 911?So i guess she called 303,6666666 (mathematic joke).

  12. D.Stowater

    that fetus chick thing
    what the hell

  13. Mick

    Why call Mary-Kate and not 911 first?? This housekeeper is a fucking retard. I doubt it would of made a difference if 911 got there any sooner…..but who knows?

  14. sameshitdifferentyear

    Someone might need to call 911 again
    A midget baboon has escaped from the zoo

    Anyone who spends any time on the two simians other than underscoring their missing 2-percent dna
    Look up Amber Heard and put the two images side-by-side
    Then get the tranquilizer gun

  15. dephs

    mary kate looks like a 60y/o woman.

  16. sva1994

    Why the fuck, if she wanted to dial 911, would she hit the fucking speed dial? Who other than William Shatner and Chicken Little has 911 on their goddamn speed dial?

  17. Outsized Schlong

    Comments on this thread even more random and pointless than usual. Either server is whacked and/or there are some spectabulous new drugs out there that nobody told me about.

    BTW, huge coincidence: MKO is also on speed dial on my cell. I do her digits for recipe advice–her ipecac brownies are to die for.

  18. RichPort

    I blame Heath.

  19. p0nk

    In all fairness to the masseuse, Heath was found naked ass up with one of Mary Kate’s very expensive bracelets sticking a half-inch out of his anus. So who ya gonna call?

  20. Stephen

    Fuckin dipshit masseuse. If she had called 911 right away, Heath could been up and on his knees again in no time.

  21. Weird… Heath is like death… except with an H… coincidence???

  22. Jrz

    Elf-like anorexic tramps are known to have magical healing powers.

  23. jas

    MKO is an evil clown vampire. Poor Heath never had a chance.

  24. Sam

    Well…if he needed powerful stimulant drugs as quickly as possible, Mary-Kate probably was the best option.

  25. Appino

    The masseuse was freaking out because when she called the cell phone number, she thought she could hear ringing in the next room, but when she looked all she thought she saw was a pair of glowing red eyes peaking out from behind a curtain.

  26. BunnyButt

    The masseuse called Mary-Kate first because she couldn’t find eleven on the phone.

  27. D. Richards (Chef.)

    Mary-Kate is a licensed paramedic.

    If Kate would have arrived before the medics, she would have performed CPR, then immediately rushed in to the bathroom to purge her lunch, and pop a couple of laxatives.

  28. monkeypaws

    masseuse = archaic term most commonly associated with prostitution in the 21st century

    massage therapist/practitioner = a person who has several hundred hours of training as well as being licensed or certified to perform a therapeutic massage by the state they reside/work in

  29. BunnyButt

    #30, for all we know, masseuse may very well be the proper term in this case…

  30. cholo mcspread'em

    Grunge called, they want their “look” back, Mary Kate.

  31. PunkA

    Here is what I am curious about. What if it comes out that Heath had illegal drugs in his system, yet none were found at the scene? Mary Kate, the housekeeper and the happy ending masseuse may be up for an obstruction charge. And it would explain 3 calls to Mary Kate before calling 911. They might have known he was dead and wanted to clear the room of paraphernalia. Not sayin this is what happened. Just wondering why all the calls BEFORE 911 was dialed. Seems strange.

  32. She makes me feel fat

  33. my comment

    Purple keffiyahs are the new mourning accessory.

  34. #28 – HAHAHAHAHA

    I refuse to believe the masseuse was a pro… there wasn’t a single report she had a dick.

  35. They just needed time to hide Mary Kate’s bong..

  36. Athens

    To be far I would call someone else first too, he was dead at that point., I’m sure she knew. How would you break it to the police who showed up. Yeah, I was umm just here to get a massage and noticed he was dead in his bedroom. Give it a week, Headline reads: Ledger was sleeping with massage giver, she’s knocked up with his spawn.

  37. NG!

    Actually, he’s not “Uncle Joey,” he is Danny Tanner’s best friend from grade school. No familial relation. Now that I’ve brought this to your attention, I will attempt to crucify myself in shame for knowing that fact. Good day!

  38. sniggol

    Dang, she’s really got the Yoko Ono look down pat. Starting to get all gnomish and hermit-like too.

  39. Clem

    Mary-Kate, don’t listen to those haters, you’re a gorgeous middle-aged woman in the prime of her life, you look no older than 39 and your menopause are still probably a few weeks off. Just don’t eat too much.

  40. Anonymous

    Why does anyone even pay attention to this “girl” and her equally butt ugly sister? I mean, what the hell do they do besides look like shit all the time? I never watched that show they were on, did they even have speaking parts? Jeezus………Can I be famous for absolutely nothing too? I wanna be rich.

  41. rthjrthysrth


  42. Anonymous

    How dare you!

    You have no idea how much this hard-working talent is suffering. I have read reports that she is, and I quote, “devastated.”

  43. lizard


  44. Morgan

    I just wanted to share my opinion about the massuese that took a few mins. to call 911. As someone who has found a friend dead I know first hand that you do not think as fast as you normally do in this situation.. I walked into my bathroom upon coming home from doing laundry. A few friends had come back with me. As I walked into the bathroom, I saw my friend hanging from the ceiling. -Please remember unless you’ve actually been in this situation please don’t throw stones.- I immediately ran out to the living room and was frantically telling people to call 911 and that danny (not real name) had hung himself. I’m known as the joker in my crowd, and I realized that to my horror, my friends thought I was just making a really bad joke. It honestly never occured to me to go and try to cut him down. (he was in such a condition that I knew he had been dead too long.) Let’s leave it at that. My point is this- I never picked up the phone to 911, the only thought that I could comprehend was “I need to make them understand I’m not joking.” I realize that many will just think this shows my intelligence level must be low, But I assure you I’m a normal, intelligent person. My heart goes out to the massuese because I was absolutely crucified by his family and loved ones for not responding like a trained paramedic or dr. would have. I hope you can find some peace, and you will be left alone soon. From what I have heard about Heath Ledger, he wouldn’t want someone suffering so much because they were unfortunate enough to find him. The coroner has already stated that he had been deceased for some time, and would not have been able to be revived. Please give this person a break. You have no idea what someone goes through after finding a person dead. And I hope you never have to learn.

  45. Athens

    True 46. I am 22 in April and never knew who to call when you find someone (IE Grandparent) dead in their home. I am lucky enough to have a handful of emergency workers who I could call at home. 911 would be at the dead bottom of my call for help list, they are next to worthless most times anyways. More so when they put you on hold.

  46. sad people

    the bitch didn’t call 9/11 cause she isn’t licensed in NY. a licensed therapist is required to know CPR. now heath is dead and the dumb bitch is facing jail time.

    she can’t do much about it though.

  48. BallsNYC

    ever wonder if heath did it with the twins?

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