Martha Stewart Pees With The Door Open. It’s A Good Thing.

The Superficial / October 3, 2011

“Did your Uncle Steven make these? Ahahaha! Ohmygod, I didn’t think I was going to say it, but I did. Garçon! More wine.”

Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis Stewart has apparently written a tell-all book titled “Whateverland: Learning to Live Here” about growing up with Martha as a mother slash emotionless, open-door pissing, encourages you to commit adultery, hates children machine. Via The Daily Mail:

On Halloweens in the Stewart household:
‘There were no costumes. There was no anything. We turned off all the lights and pretended we weren’t home.’

‘She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, “Now wrap these but don’t look inside.”‘

Any day Martha had a full bladder:
‘Mother always peed with the door open,’ Alexis says. ‘I remember saying, “You know, now I have friends over! You can’t do that anymore! It’s gotta stop! My friends’ parents don’t do it! Give me a break here!’

On Martha’s skills as a home-maker:
‘There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food … There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind.’

On having her over as a dinner guest:
‘My mother will occasionally complain that I don’t invite her over for dinner,’ Alexis says. ‘But can you blame me? Because, sometimes this is what will happen: whatever I serve, she’ll sip it, taste it, make a face, and push it away.’

On Martha’s marital advice:
‘A woman lived near us when I was little had married someone very wealthy and very unattractive, and my mother actually told me when I was a small child, “Now Alexis, if this ever happens, you make sure you have sex with somebody else to have their baby. Don’t have his baby. … She was very practical about it. It was a survival skill – you have someone rich and ugly who takes care of you, and you have someone who’s hot and makes attractive babies.’

Clearly Martha Stewart has never looked at a Moore-Willis offspring because that would’ve thrown that theory right out of the window. She probably would’ve changed her advice to, “Now Alexis, if this ever happens, you make sure you have sex with your brother. Or first cousin. Just not an attractive action star or the disfigured billionaire I emotionally crippled you into marrying. Now hold this stall open and watch me pee.”

Photos: Getty