Martha Stewart Pees With The Door Open. It’s A Good Thing.

October 3rd, 2011 // 61 Comments

“Did your Uncle Steven make these? Ahahaha! Ohmygod, I didn’t think I was going to say it, but I did. Garçon! More wine.”

Martha Stewart‘s daughter Alexis Stewart has apparently written a tell-all book titled “Whateverland: Learning to Live Here” about growing up with Martha as a mother slash emotionless, open-door pissing, encourages you to commit adultery, hates children machine. Via The Daily Mail:

On Halloweens in the Stewart household:
‘There were no costumes. There was no anything. We turned off all the lights and pretended we weren’t home.’

‘She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, “Now wrap these but don’t look inside.”‘

Any day Martha had a full bladder:
‘Mother always peed with the door open,’ Alexis says. ‘I remember saying, “You know, now I have friends over! You can’t do that anymore! It’s gotta stop! My friends’ parents don’t do it! Give me a break here!’

On Martha’s skills as a home-maker:
‘There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food … There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind.’

On having her over as a dinner guest:
‘My mother will occasionally complain that I don’t invite her over for dinner,’ Alexis says. ‘But can you blame me? Because, sometimes this is what will happen: whatever I serve, she’ll sip it, taste it, make a face, and push it away.’

On Martha’s marital advice:
‘A woman lived near us when I was little had married someone very wealthy and very unattractive, and my mother actually told me when I was a small child, “Now Alexis, if this ever happens, you make sure you have sex with somebody else to have their baby. Don’t have his baby. … She was very practical about it. It was a survival skill – you have someone rich and ugly who takes care of you, and you have someone who’s hot and makes attractive babies.’

Clearly Martha Stewart has never looked at a Moore-Willis offspring because that would’ve thrown that theory right out of the window. She probably would’ve changed her advice to, “Now Alexis, if this ever happens, you make sure you have sex with your brother. Or first cousin. Just not an attractive action star or the disfigured billionaire I emotionally crippled you into marrying. Now hold this stall open and watch me pee.”

Photos: Getty


  1. Cock Dr

    That marital advice is quite the doozy.
    I just can’t dis Martha. This domestic goddess served hard time.

  2. Gay Parisian

    Garson = Garçon

  3. Frank Burns

    What the hell is that red crap on the table? Scabs from a sunburned rhino’s ass? Its got to be one of those retarded ‘Goop’ recipes. Quote from Martha: “I’m on my third scotch, because I’ll have to be drunk to eat that shit!” And is there a letter before ‘A’ to describe Goopy’s cup size?

  4. Richard McBeef

    Yawn. Where are the excerpts concerning the S&M dungeon or the leather clad gentleman with the mouth zipper Martha kept in the basement.

    • Cock Dr

      Yes, I am feeling some of that same disappointment.
      Nothing much here in the way of super salacious revelations.
      Daughter didn’t want to burn bridges too badly in hopes of being made prime beneficiary.

  5. Pippy Longcockings

    I bet MS is a cold-hearted fucking bitch too.

    • Drew

      After reading that article, nothing gets by you hey?

      • the marriage advice seems backwards. i married for breeding stock, then cheated for love. got straight-a, athletic kids out of it. love, well that’s for 16 year olds anyhow

    • BrandiLye

      I think that’s the way a very smart, but very sick (by our modern day standards) way to do it.

      It seems backwards because that woman is a man, lol. She thinks like a man, has the business skills of a man, neglects her children in a manly fashion and pimped her domestic goddesssness out like a man, if a man could pimp a domestic goddess empire and keep a straight face. And like man, she took an area (domesticity) lovelessly broke it down and pimped it out like no one’s business.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        “has the business skills of a man”

        The fuck?!
        So I guess we’ll find you in the kitchen, *where you belong*.
        Jesus H Christ.

  6. ChurchLeola

    my best friend’s mom makes $77 an hour on the computer. She has been out of job for 9 months but last month her check was $7487 just working on the computer for a few hours. Read about it here CashLazy. cÓm

  7. AtomicMug

    “Women are…awful.”

    H. Jon Benjamin
    Jon Benjamin Has a Van, Comedy Central

    If you’re a male in your 20s or 30s, write the above quote down on a piece of paper and put it in your wallet next to your condom. Trust me on this!

    • Dan

      Being a fair I would like to amend that to:

      “People are awful.”

    • Pete

      When you are fucking them, it doesn’t really matter whether they are awful or not.

      But, your advice is useful after you’ve banged. Look at the note, and then decide whether to walk out the door after they’ve fallen asleep, or hang around long enough to see if they make a good breakfast.

      • Dan

        Eh, if they have any information where they can find you and harass you after the event it is really damn awful.

  8. EricLr

    Wow, who would have even guessed that Martha Stewart was a mean, bitter she-bitch of a poor excuse for a human being?? From her ice-cold demeanor and nasty reputation among her employees, I would have figured she was a go-lucky, happy ray of sunshine who shoots sweet candy from her cootch.

  9. maeby

    Sounds like my mom THAT BITCH *weep*

  10. DaveGeek

    What? No prepared foods? Only “ingedients”? Truly the lack of Pizza Pockets is a scathing indictment of Martha’s homemaker abilities. Expecting people to actually make meals, the nerve.

    • TomFrank

      Yeah, right? I mean, little kids, they should know how to cook. Light stoves, boil water, use knives, all that stuff you should be able to do by the age of six.

  11. KWDragon

    Seriously, if you are going to write a tell-all, make it juicy enough to make it worth reading. “My mom was not always nice to me and I had a hard childhood!” Boo-freakin’-hoo. Suck it up, Alexis.

  12. what’s wrong with peeing with the door open, i do it too. and off my porch. it’s a good thing all right, keeps the azaleas an emerald green!

  13. She ought to get an apron that says “Rod Stewart’s Daughter” since she looks like him. Then again, maybe Martha took up her own advice…

  14. DFENS

    Wow I never thought I’d see a piece of shit talking to another piece of shit.

  15. Deacon Jones

    On masturbating:

    One night when I was in high school, I snuck a cob of corn from downstairs to use as a dildo. Mother noticed instantly and burst into my room yelling “I’m serving lima bean casserole tomorrow, you cunt!”, grabbed the corn, and thrust a skinned cucumber into my hands.

  16. rough, LIVE

    Who cares! Society had always had problems with iconic women. Next!

  17. kimmykimkim

    I pretend I’m not at home on Halloween too. Those kids need to get a job and buy their own damn candy.

    • great scott! that’s a good way to get your house TP’d… :D

    • Vanilla

      What are you people talking about? Get TP’ed? No way.

      It’s America! It is perfectly legal for you to shoot anyone who is on your property without bothering to check first if they’re costumed youngsters.

      Hell, in most states, they don’t even have to be on your property, if you claim you were protecting a neighbour from burglary.

      For Halloween I don’t bother buying candy, just buckshot.

  18. Martha Stewart Gwyneth Paltrow
    The Brown Streak
    Commented on this photo:

    Gwenyth’s going to cook something? They didn’t tell us there was going to be comedy and a dinner!

  19. Dan

    If this is true I am not surprised at all… except for the peeing with the door open. I wouldn’t have expected that.

    I can see that in front of your spouse or something… but never your kid. They need to make the decision to pee in front of their friends themselves.

  20. Venom

    A photo with two of the people I despise in the world the most.

    I think Goopy is her secret real daughter. I see she was trained well by her real mom Martha.

  21. Kimarie

    Those were the juicy tidbits? Wow, it’s amazing she survived that traumatic childhood. I can’t believe child services didn’t intervene.

  22. Sean F'ing Connery

    I remember back in ’93 I made Martha Stewart scream twice – first, when I fucked her in her ass, and then when I wiped my cock off on her curtains.

  23. reita collins

    Alexis is HILARIOUS!! I bet anything that Martha and Alexis sat howling in laughter while coming up with these stories,which I DO believe are TRUE!! That makes it even funnier!

  24. Martha Stewart Gwyneth Paltrow
    Dr Ha-Ha
    Commented on this photo:

    Where are Gwen’s tits?

  25. Martha Stewart Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:
  26. BE

    IMHO This can only be described as a DESPERATE attempt to pull MSO stock out of the toilet that it’s in. Under the concept that any publicity is good publicity.

    About five days ago Martha was reinstated as CEO of MSO – and NO ONE CARED… FYI by no one cared, I mean it didn’t even generate a yawn. Anywhere.

    Except for the one or two “poor Martha” groupies doing their usual chant. Most of whom , are generally not bright enough to understand the definition of obstruction of justice, naive enough to buy into the concept of victimless crime while spouting a bunch of irrational nonsense about two wrongs making a right.

    Not exactly the hop up in stock price that Martha expected when she “took the reins again.” Apparently, from Martha’s viewpoint, none of us are smart enough to notice that the board of directors have basically her sock puppets for the last five years. Come on, she appointed her HAIRDRESSER to the board. So, Wall Street yawns.

    Mostly, a real bad omen for Martha cashing out out of her stock. And, I wouldn’t be at all shocked to find that Martha wrote this particular “expose” herself. And another yawn, there have been about thirty other exposes that are probably more interesting and more accurate.

    So, back to the drawing board. Maybe Martha can get herself arrested again – nope, no longer important enough.

    As for the Martha groupies (or rather Martha’s/MSO’s blog and twitter group) that have flamed me before for making ANY comment about MSO whatsoever – don’t bother, I’ve said what I’m going to say and I have a life.

  27. forrest gump

    she made her will yesterday.

  28. kris

    Wait…Gwyneth Paltrow is Martha Stewart’s daughter?

  29. Inmate 12236969

    We just need to know if she gives good head and how she fucks, the hell with the rest of the bullshit.

  30. azgirlgoneeast

    my father made me gather all the brush on our ten acre property and throw it into a raging bonfire several a weekend when i was younger, also made me sweep up all the sawdust during the construction of the 4,500 square foot spectacle that was my home from age 9 to 18…..not quite martha stewart status but some of his chore demands haunt me to this day, i think it was cause i was no older than 9 for most of this sh*t….then it translated into ridiculous expectations for grades and athleticism when i was a teen. good in some ways but i think its mostly driven me mad… and approval is 100% conditional in my eyes. Sucksssss. The curse of the yuppie child I swear!

  31. JN

    Those beef curtains look a bit raw.

  32. Adalberto

    I’m SOOOOO sick . Trying to keep working on gteting this Etsy shop open this weekend though just want to crawl back in bed SO bad though!(cough, cough)Layla

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