Mark Wahlberg Would’ve Stopped 9/11, Everybody

“I would’ve said hi to their mothers for them. I’ll tell you that much.”

In an interview with Men’s Journal, Mark Wahlberg basically calls all the passengers who died on 9/11 pussies because had he been on that flight like he was supposed to, those terr’rists queeahs woulda gawt a taste a Bahston right in dere fahkin’ mouths. Via HuffPost Entertainment:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” he tells the magazine. “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'”

While my initial reaction was “Really? Just like that,” it turns out Marky Mark doesn’t masturbate which clearly imbues him with special powers far beyond those of mortal spanking men:

“I don’t get down with jerking off, dude. Look. I don’t believe in everything that the church says. I try to do the right thing. I lead a clean and pure life. I’m a married guy. I have a beautiful wife. Sex is not the most important thing to me, being horny all the time, spanking the — I mean, it’s not against the law. You can do whatever you want. And it’s not like, ‘I shouldn’t do it because of my faith. I’m just not really that into it that much anyway.”

“Look, if you want to flog the- whatever, have at it. I just don’t do it because, again, had I been up there in first class it would’ve been, ‘Hot towel, motherfucker?’ followed by my engorged, pent-up penis radioing the control tower and bringing that plane down safely. It’s gawt nothing to do with religion.” *makes Sign of the Cross, flexes, dropkicks photo of Bin Laden*

Photos: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Enjoy your daily dose of The Superficial? Tell your representatives to FUCK SOPA.