Mark Wahlberg Would’ve Stopped 9/11, Everybody

January 18th, 2012 // 80 Comments
Marky Mark's Sorry
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“I would’ve said hi to their mothers for them. I’ll tell you that much.”

In an interview with Men’s Journal, Mark Wahlberg basically calls all the passengers who died on 9/11 pussies because had he been on that flight like he was supposed to, those terr’rists queeahs woulda gawt a taste a Bahston right in dere fahkin’ mouths. Via HuffPost Entertainment:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” he tells the magazine. “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

While my initial reaction was “Really? Just like that,” it turns out Marky Mark doesn’t masturbate which clearly imbues him with special powers far beyond those of mortal spanking men:

“I don’t get down with jerking off, dude. Look. I don’t believe in everything that the church says. I try to do the right thing. I lead a clean and pure life. I’m a married guy. I have a beautiful wife. Sex is not the most important thing to me, being horny all the time, spanking the — I mean, it’s not against the law. You can do whatever you want. And it’s not like, ‘I shouldn’t do it because of my faith. I’m just not really that into it that much anyway.”

“Look, if you want to flog the- whatever, have at it. I just don’t do it because, again, had I been up there in first class it would’ve been, ‘Hot towel, motherfucker?’ followed by my engorged, pent-up penis radioing the control tower and bringing that plane down safely. It’s gawt nothing to do with religion.” *makes Sign of the Cross, flexes, dropkicks photo of Bin Laden*

Photos: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

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  1. mrsmass

    this douche needs to shut the fuck up already.

    • GO ARMY

      Just to set the record straight on being a hardcore badass, last I checked you can still go enlist in the Army and do the bullshit that you talk about. Apparently there are not only men but women putting it out there every day in the Armed Services, unlike Mister Ass Clown.

      • Actually, no he can’t. Mark Wahlberg is too old to enlist in the Army. Just saying…

        Also, joining the military doesn’t make you a hardcore badass.

      • Steve

        You can join the US armed forces at any age but after 35 (I think) you have to get someone official to sponsor you i.e. your congressman. If you want to serve bad enough you can enlist in your 40s.

    • Sleeper

      Hey,, I myself, just like anyone else who wasn’t there on that plane, and of course, mostly men, would automaticly think “my God,, I would’ve done SOMETHING,,,, ANYTHING,, to stop these people. Again,, that’s because they were NOT on the plane. Even though I would never say anything like that publicly, (or even out load) I would like to think I could’ve done something to save myself and all the rest of the passengers.The sad truth is, those people did as much as they could possibly do,, the highjackers did not do this on a whim,,, they knew what they were doing. Even the people on flight 93, (the “heros” on flight 93) could not save themselves, but could only run the plane into the ground, where it didn’t kiil anyone else. Hey,, Wahlberg may be an asshole,, I don’t know,, I don’t know him. I think he simply had the first thought that many of us would have,, I don’t think there are many people out there (men or women) who wouldn’t like to think they might’ve made a difference that could’ve save themselves and everyone else. As I said, the sad truth is, obviously nothing could be done. One more thing,, Ididn’t hear Wahlberg call anyone a bunch of “pussies” (maybe I missed it). I still think of all the people on all the planes as heros, and the highjackers as scum of the earth, who will burn in hell.

      • Schmidtler

        I only disagree as far as you saying all the people on all the planes were ‘heroes’. how were they heroes? ok, the people on flight 93 that knew what happened to the other planes that were hijacked & rammed into the wtc decided they would risk their lives to avoid their plane becoming an instrument of mayhem were definitely heroes, they sacrificed themselves to save others. the other people on the other planes were simply victims. imho, unless you risk yourself in some way to try and save others, ‘hero’ does not apply.

  2. That Guy

    He’s right there would have been a lot of blood there, his. They’d have shot him in the head and just kept on going. Is there no end to the lengths these ‘celebrities’ will go to? Pissing on 9/11 is a new low.

    • Mick

      How do you shoot someone in the head with a box cutter?

      • it had to be said

        You also need a rubber band.

      • That Guy

        They had guns, dude:

        You Americans are sleepwalking into dictatorship with the SOPA, PIPA and NDAA.

        Fun fact: in Greek SOPA means shut up and PIPA means bl**job, so shut up and suck!

      • Actually, if you read the damned article and others, you’ll note that it says they MAY have had guns. That there was one report of a gunshot that was never confirmed and the ground controller never heard any mention of it. They DID stab people, multiple people. although what they used to stab them is also unconfirmed. They also may have had real or imitation explosive devices, but those don’t really enter into the equation.

        If you’re going to cite articles, actually cite them, don’t just post a link and make a claim the article doesn’t make.

      • And in Tex-Mex cuisine, SOPA PIPA is a delicious fried bread.

  3. EricLr

    Yeah, when I do interviews that my wife might read, I don’t masturbate either. That would imply she is not enough for me, which would start an argument in which she breaks a bunch of my shit.

    Also never underestimate the shear macho power of someone whose entire career began because of his brother’s pop boy-band.

  4. Typical Boston douchebag. And I grew up in Boston, so I know of what I speak.

    Don’t forget that this asshole blinded a guy or something and has never made retribution. Fuck him!

    • cc

      No way. really? He did?

      • Yeah, he did. I grew up in the BAHston area(Sorry,Fish, “Bawston” is NYese, or Cranston, at the very least, not a Beantown accent.), and this conceited asswipe from Dorchester thought he was a badass even as a kid. When he was 16 he attacked a middle-aged Vietnamese man and from the language he used it sounded racially motivated. The guy was left blind in one eye and Wahlberg was arrested for attempted murder. Mr. Tough Guy pled guilty to assault and spent a total of 45 days in jail. (More than Lindsay Lohan,but still, that’s a fucking disgrace.) Whlberg figures “I paid for my mistakes” and that he owes the guy nothing, so he has no guilt and sleeps well at night, presumable so he can dream up other scenarios where he also woulda been a hero had he only been there. Getting everyone off the Titantic in time, making sure the helicopter in the Bin Laden raid didn’t crash, assassinating Hitler in 1933, that sort of shit.

        So only when it occurs to him that the guy won’t ever be able to see any of his movies in 3D, thereby impacting him directly, will he ever be sorry.

  5. That Guy's teacher.

    They didn’t have a gun.

  6. Marley

    This….totally ruined him for me. FUCK.

  7. Do_Freebird

    Yep, this high school drop-out douche bag who plays bad ass roles in the movies got it right. He would have kicked ass and taken names and done it from 1st class between the warm towels and the quiche loraine. WHAT A DOUCHE BAG. Of course he would have needed the FUNKY BUNCH to help out a little – you know like try to coax him out from underneath the chair as he whimpered for his wife to take care of him

    Apologize now you useless piece of Hollywood garbage before you make a bigger joke out yourself.

  8. Venom

    There were about 246 people combined on those planes and supposedly only 5 hijackers per plane so I am going to imagine that they had more than box cutters on them to suppress that many people.

    I don’t like Mark Wahlberg at all and think he is a pretend tough guy, ultra-Catholic beat up his wife arrogant Boston douchebag, but you have to ask yourself how hundreds of people could not jump 5 guys on each plane armed only with box cutters and take them down.

    And let’s not fool ourselves, that last plane was shot down. They created a nice backstory to make the people look like heroes, but come on, they figured out after the other ones hit buildings what was going on and were not going to risk another one going into another building.

    • cc

      ‘you have to ask yourself how hundreds of people could not jump 5 guys on each plane armed only with box cutters and take them down.’

      You’ll probably get royally shit on for saying that, but I do sometimes wonder about that myself. Same with the 2007 Virginia Tech shooting, or the shooting at Ecole Polytechnique. I am trying to suggest that I’d be a huge fucking hero or anything, but the psychology of cowering and hoping not to get killed seems a bit baffling to me,

      • Venom

        With Virginia Tech the excuse was legitimate, he had guns and had murdered many others right in front of their faces so I can understand their fear and they were in a closed quarters rats in a cage situation.

        A box cutter blade fully extended is less than an inch long. If you slashed someone coming at you wearing a suit coat it probably would not even cut through it. The excuse seems less feasible. That is why I don’t 100% buy the story they only had box cutters.

      • JC

        I’m not going to shit on you, but points to consider:

        1. Pre-9/11, hijacking meant that you’d sit at an airport somewhere waiting for negotiators to deal with somebody’s demands, not waiting to get flown into a building. Assuming the terrorists didn’t announce, “Yo, we’re going to kill all of you, so COME AT US BRO!” there’s not a huge incentive to risk getting your throat cut instead of just waiting it out.

        2. 246 people or not, you can hardly swarm some guys with box cutters if your only lane of attack is a 24″-wide aisle. How confident are you (or most people) that, 1-on-1, you can subdue a guy with a box cutter before he slashes up your face or throat? And that other people are going to jump into the fray if you selflessly take the first stab and slash? And again, this is going under the pre-9/11 assumption that the hijackers just want money or a flight to Cuba or somebody released from prison somewhere and intend to walk away.

        3. Unlike Mr. Badass Wahlberg, who’s willing to leave their kids or family unattended while they try to break out their imaginary ninja skills?

    • cc

      Things is though Venom, when some of the people were recounting what happened at Virginia Tech, some of them said they huddled under desks and could hear him pause to reload. It’s not a matter of courageous or not, it just seems like the instinct for self preservation would kick in.

      • Dan

        I think the whole situation really stems from how our western society encourages passiveness and fear of weapons.

        If kids get into a fight in school there is police involved and lawsuits, etc. This didn’t happen in the past and doesn’t happen in other societies. Weapons are these dangerous objects that can kill or maim regardless of who is weilding them or if they are being weilded at all. People are not taught how to handle weapons safely as in countries where they have mandatory military service.

        Not that this is really a bad thing – because it makes our society nicer to be in and be around the people in it. It just doesn’t work when some assholes are trying to take over a plane and crash it or shoot people in a school.

        I don’t think anything would have been different if Marky Mark was on the plane. And I bet he jerks it. A lot. And feels guilty about it. Because why else would you be talking about it if it didn’t bother you?

        TL;DR Marky Mark is a moron.

      • private part

        Watch this about WTC 7 – a controlled demolition, no doubt…but who is responsible?? The 9/11 commission report only raised more questions.

      • And the truthers always have to start spouting their shit…

    • furburger

      You don’t have to control 200+ people. You only have to control one because Nobody wants to be the first one to get cut open with a box cutter.

      • Schmidtler

        The hijackers showed everybody a thing that looked like a bomb, so anybody that had the idea they’d jump them and be a hero had to consider that they’d only be forcing the hijackers to detonate what they thought was an explosive and then the plane goes down and everybody dies. Plus, they took over the cockpit, so then what happens if you do subdue the hijackers in the passenger section – the hijacker at the controls crashes the plane, everybody dies. up until 9/11, nobody ever took over a plane and crashed it on purpose, nobody had any reason to even consider that as a real possibility. In the brief span of time between the planes crashing into the wtc and flight 93 being hijacked, the passengers on flight 93 figured out what was going on, knew what the hijackers intended, and did exactly what douchebag wahlberg suggested – they got the heck out of their seats and rushed the hijackers.

  9. Marky Matt

    That last paragraph you wrote was hilarious. I seriously lol’d and I dont that very often. Excellent work Fish!

  10. Steelerchick

    Wow He could have been a hero!! What a man…. except for the jerking off part of course.

  11. vgirl

    You can talk the talk Mr. Walhberg, but can you walk the walk?

  12. Donald Trump

    Perhaps Marky Mark doesn’t spank the monkey – but he sure loves stoking his ego!

    What a twat.

  13. Deacon Jones

    Is stuck in his “Boogie Nights” character again?

  14. Evil Dick Tater

    The trouble is Mark (Uber) Wahlberg has also mastered time travel so it’s a pretty sure bet that when the hijacking started Wahlberg 2001 and Wahlberg 1999 would have been in the lavatory jerking each other off.
    Wahlberg 2001: “Did you hear something?”
    Wahlberg 1999: “Faster!”

  15. Richard McBeef

    What in the goddamn fuck is 9/11?

  16. Abby Normal

    “Jerking off” sort of sums up Mark’s entire career, doesn’t it?

  17. “Things would have been totally different. I would have stood up, faced those terroists queahs, and then used my acting skills to sum up everything great about America and why we don’t take shit from anyone in a monologue. Then I would have had my stunt-double come in and subdue them.”

  18. “Say hi to your mother, Abdul!”

  19. Hanging Tough: The Interview

  20. Doctor Joystick

    He could have totally overpowered them as long as his stunt double had time to choreograph it, there were sound effects and computer graphics, and the terrorists all looked like Adrian Grenier.

    • Any terrorist unfortunate enough to look like Adrian Grenier would’ve had an overpowering death wish – all the stunt doubles and cheography in the world wouldn’t have deterred men determined not to live with that platypus face a minute longer.

  21. Crabby Old Guy

    How about we strap this actor pussy to the nose of a 747 and he can use his magic Bahston powers to push the next plane that tries to fly into a tall building away from the impact? Fuck him. Fuck actors. Useless sacks of shit who are stupid enough to think (a.) they’re the characters they play and (b.) they know so much more than us “little folk”.

  22. Insider

    Yum, yum….fucking yum. He makes these idiots in Hollywood look like pussies (which….they are)

    And so he likes to fuck his wife and not jerk his pole. He’s an A+ hotass.

  23. thread killer

    At best this is another freaky Hollywood nut-job shit-canning his career with a display of moronic ignorance – and at worst this is a great day for those who jerk off not to be associated with a Hollywood moron with giant case of stupid fuck.

  24. Mark Wahlberg 911
    Doctor Joystick
    Commented on this photo:

    Ah wanna jerk-ahff, but Ah got tha caahpull tunnal.

  25. swing it

    Mawky Mawk and da Funky Bunch takin’ care a Buizness….yOO boooy!

  26. Would he have his Funky Bunch as backup? A Funky Bunch can make all the difference in airborne hijacking situations.

  27. Mark Wahlberg 911
    Commented on this photo:

    What a smug cunt ? Self righteous ass-hole. Up holder of a faith that protects child abusers and then uses his own children to prove he is an action man for real. hahahahahahahaha twat!

  28. Chupacabra

    I think he’s probably saying this in context of some kind – he was almost on a Boston plane that hit the WTC, but for some reason, he was late, or missed it, unsure, but I assume he’s talking this jibe in response to that. Sure, in hindsight, we all would have kicked those dudes asses. But we can’t go back and do it all over again now, can we?

    • CranAppleSnapple

      He was whacking it and missed the call. Hey we’ve all been there, Marky.

    • Nice apologist spin on this and all, but the context is that he was supposed to be on the plane and he’s now made himself the hero of his own mind-movie. He flew to Toronto a week early which is why he wasn’t. a passenger Why he wasn’t makes not a whit of difference, since no one was calling him on it or suggesting we all occupy Toronto for seducing him away from his heroic terrorist-fighting agenda, or anything else that could put him on the defensive – but nice try. He claimed, AS HE HAS BEFORE,that if he had been on it (WITH his kids – so as not to look like some hairtrigger group-endangering asshole, see?), everything “woudn’t have gone down like it did”.

      2006: “We [TRANSLATION: ME, leading a cadre of suitably impressed followers] mcertainly would have tried to do something to fight. I’ve had probably over 50 dreams about it.”

      Oh, well, then. Can’t argue with that. Dreams, man – they’re like reality going off in your head, ya know?

      You also can’t get much clearer than that – he’s trying to claim he would have been everyone’s saviour, but unfortunately, that does mean that he thinks everyone on the plane was cowardly and isn’t as physically tough as he is. And that’s not only a fucking stupid and colossally arrogant thing to say, it serves no purpose but to hurt the people who lost loved ones in the attack and show that self-aggrandisement really has no limits.

      Now he’s taking it all back. UPDATE: Wahlberg has apologized for his 9/11 comment, telling TMZ, “To suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible… I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention.”

  29. Fingerbang

    Screw airmarshals, we need angry humiliated former boy band members on every flight.

  30. Frank Burns

    I doubt he has the life skills to even stop at a 7-11 and buy jerky beef.

  31. punchiesmanifesto_com

    No, “Say hi to your mother for me” reference, Superficial?


  32. Last paragraph for the fuckin’ sweep.

  33. LJ

    All this time I had thought that Mark Wahlberg was a washed up underwear modle trying to emulate Charles Bronson. Now I understand that he’s just an asshole.

  34. Mark Wahlberg 911
    The Pope
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that Donnie D on the back-up?

  35. Mark Wahlberg 911
    The Fappening
    Commented on this photo:

    “We’re not going to be one of those assholes on the news that watches a crime happen and not do something! We’re not assholes!” “Just a second!”. ” I need a second, okay?!” “Why can’t anybody give me a God damn second?!”

  36. stevebeagle

    Yo Marky Mark!! SHUT THE FUCK UP !

  37. Al

    Actors with giant egos always start to think that they are the characters that they play. All of them are just air heads, and if it wasn’t for all of the WGA writers putting words in their mouths, the public would also see how stupid most of them really are. For example, see above…

  38. Dude obviously thinks we’ve all never seen an @sshole before!

  39. doctor snuggles


  40. Whatsitooya

    Method actors, go figure!

  41. Truth is...

    …douchey would a left a big brown markymark in his jockeys

  42. right

    You guys are funny shit. And Marky Mark is an asshole

  43. T-800

    He’s pretty brave when he has to attack middle-aged Vietnamese men with a large stick or talk from the safety of an interview room surrounded by security. I despise this pretentious turd.

  44. Mark Wahlberg 911
    treble clef
    Commented on this photo:

    Mark Wahlberg is Bolt.

  45. TumTum

    Marky Mark is the da man!

    I can see it…. he stabs a terrorist and says “can you feel it, feel it?” YEAH!

  46. James F. Harrington

    This is the same Mark Wahlberg who upon returning to his seat after going to the restroom on an airliner, found a man sitting in his seat and poked his fingers into the mans eyes! He gives the good people of Dorchester, Massachusetts a bad name.

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