Mark Wahlberg: ‘Sorry, Pussies’

In case you blacked yourself out of the Internet yesterday like a goddamn Commie – I kid. BLACK POWER. – Mark Wahlberg stepped in online shit when excerpts from his interview with Men’s Journal were revealed in which he basically says he would’ve stopped 9/11 right in front of his children’s eyes had they boarded their original flight. Naturally this implied that everyone on board were shitty parents and way less badass than him. “Pussies,” I believe was the implied term, so he’s since issued an apology after 99% of America went, “Wait, Donny’s little brudda said that?” Via TMZ:

“To suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible. … To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with.”
Mark adds, “I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention.”

Probably most insulting is that Marky Mark’s publicist obviously wrote that, but fortunately The Superficial has obtained Mark’s own written apology in its entirety and his words cut right to the heart:

Dear Pussies,

Yesterday, it may have appeared that I called you all a bunch of pussies for dying in 9/11 and not stopping those terrorists with your bare fists in the first class lounge where I always sit because I’m a movie star. In retrospective vision, I realize that I too probably would’ve died like a pussy just like you pussies because terrorism is a serious thing that sometimes make people into pussies. Who’s to say? Irregardless, please accept these coupons good for one free Wahlberger with purchase of another Wahlberger of equal or lesser value. I know that seems cheap, but I’m not running a goddamn charity for pussies who can’t look in their children’s eyes and say, “Don’t worry, honey, daddy’s gonna land this plane because he only jerks off with mommy’s pussy.”

Respectfully yours,

Mark Wahlberg

P.S. I just now realized you’re all dead, so can ghosts read? Knock over a plate in my mother’s house if yes.

Photos: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN