Marilyn Manson Got Punched In The Face At Denny’s

That’s his dad. Let’s all just take that in for a moment.

True story, I once shoved my hand down a woman’s pants at Denny’s, so I can confidently say the only reason to be there at 2 AM is blackout drunkenness. I’m pretty sure your body actually rejects Denny’s food unless it lands into a lake of grain alcohol, so when Marilyn Manson claims he was politely obliging some fans asking for a photo when he got sucker punched, I’ll just assume he was sexually assaulting a pancake. The Canadian police apparently share my assumption. Via TMZ:

Police confirm there was a disturbance at Denny’s that night, but no charges were filed and the case is closed.

That’s not stopping Manson from sticking to his story and now threatening to sue:

Manson also claims the attacker elbowed his makeup artist in her face. He says they’re both going back to cops in Alberta to press charges.

As an amateur practitioner of bird law, I’ve taken the opportunity to prepare a legal defense for Mr. Manson in the event of an inevitable countersuit.

Your honor, esteemed members of the jury, giant elk standing by the flag for some reason, may it please the court, I’d like to enter into evidence exhibit A. This is a Denny’s receipt clearly showing my client, Mr. Manson, paid for sausage patties when he in fact ordered links. Now, this may seem a paltry, rather irrelevant piece of information way up here where politeness and civility are the way of the land. But, wolves and gentleman of the jury, I can assure you that in America, especially under the influence of enough alcohol to — how would you phrase it? — make a man say “darn it” in front of his mother, this offense warrants gunfire at the very minimum. I implore you to consider my client’s impressive personal restraint, and move to dismiss any and all charg– Ok, can anyone explain why the stenographer is just fishing in a hole in the floor? Is the typewriter down there? I.. I don’t get how any of this works.

Photo: Terry’s Diary